Pains, Sores and Epidemics

I thought this post would be about Fanime Con, but it looks like that will have to be next time's post. Over the weekend something serious happened, actually a couple of serious things. I'm not going to go over detail and personal.

First: I can blame the shoes. I can blame my foot condition. I can blame being on my feet all day 5 days a week and then for an entire weekend. I can blame the amazing weapons classes I took at the convention (you'll have to wait for the fanime post to learn more about that one.) Whatever the case may be, my foot got beyond sore to the point of limping and moving like a zombie. I became the living dead, unable to move faster than a snails pace as all my friends passed me up to go here there and everywhere. Well, everyone except Steve, who was gentleman enough to hang out at my slow pace. This led me to realize that the shoes I have been wearing for the past couple months have been ruining my feet. Sure there may have been other factors, but I choose to blame the shoes. I have now bought a new pair of shoes that, even with my repairing feet, are comfortable and cause me to no longer limp everywhere I go. The only down side is that to be so comfortable, they make my feet look HUGE. ARGH!!!! I can't win!!! But hey, it's better to take care of your feet than to worry about looks. right???

Second: I contracted some type of throat infection. I don't know when or how I got it. There was nothing I did to get me sick. No one I hung out with or had close contact with. I wasn't out in the cold, wet and late at night. But, for some strange reason, possibly divine, my throat began to hurt. It started as a sore throat that came and went. I thought nothing of it. Simply took the usual precautions to prevent getting sick. The next day, about halfway through the day I was so wiped out and exhausted and my throat hurt so bad that I took a 4 hour nap. The day after that my throat was on fire. I was only able to eat half of my breakfast burrito, and that was because I made myself. All I wanted to do was sleep. Drinking water was even a chore. When I got home I laid down. Then got talked into hanging out for a bit at a friends house, which was way fun. I got a massage that alleviated my migraine for about 10 minutes and I got to enjoy a really good movie. We hung out for a bit after and it wasn't until I couldn't bear the pain any longer that I realized I had to leave. At home, my mom looked at my throat and gasped saying I needed to see a doctor and I probably had tonsillitis or something worse. Even though I now have medical, it's crappy and super expensive so I'd rather not use it unless I absolutely have to. I figured I'd wait it out a couple days. I took knock out medacine and slept for 4 hours and took knock out med's again to sleep another 4 hours. Then yesterday I received a priesthood blessing of faith, healing and guidance; through a couple Elders in my church. At the time I was beyond tears. I have a high tolerance for pain and I was crying like a baby wanting to die if it could only stop the pain. There was a wall of white cotton all over my tonsils, and back of my throat. It was red, pussy and super gross. After the blessing, it was amazing that I could talk again. I went home, thanked the Lord, read from His book and went to sleep. Half way through today I made a miraculous recovery. Now all I have is a simple sore throat.

The Lord works in mysterious ways. I know the Lord was telling me something with this and that it wasn't just an ordinary illness. I only hope that by now I have learned my lesson. I'd hate to see what new epidemic he'll come up with next.

Tuesday will be different

I had a great post prepared today about how everyone has the light of Christ and that is a particle of faith that we can choose to exercise or ignore, depending on our choices. How God can touch anyone's heart, you don't have to be smart, logical, speak same language, etc. There are no requirements, God can touch anyone and allow them to feel something extraordinary. Not everyone moves at the same spiritual pace and that it is alright. It took Brigham Young 3 years to be baptized. There was so much more. I wanted to share everything that I felt today, but I know it is not possible. Also, as I was preparing what I wanted to write I came to a realization. Spiritual experiences are not something to be published widely at least not in the sense that I am building my blog for. Eventually I am working so that this blog is a story blog and that everyday I post a part of a story. That is a work in progress and I'm not ready for that kind of commitment. So, I have a week to decide what I want this day to be. It can be poetry, movie or book quotes, tales from work or something. I'll have that figured out preferably before next Tuesday.

So I will end this post with a bad joke and a preview of the story I will be starting on Saturday.

"Does _______ (enter least favorite politician here) wear boxers or briefs?" "Depends"


INTO THE DEPTHS (sneak peak)

"Shep?" There was no answer, Jim was starting to get worried. Shep was in charge of everything and Jim hadn't seen him for over an hour. Jim had no idea how far below the surface they had gone. The water pressure had to be high. If anything went wrong they would probably die before they could have the chance to drown. "Shep?" Jim called desperately. Why wouldn't he answer? Could...

"Here. I'm here stupid. Stop your hollerin' and yellin'. It's not like you're dying." There was a pause, then a crash of metal followed by a barely audible curse. "You're not dyin', are ya?" Shep asked quizzically.

a blessing

I had an amazing experience today. Though I can not share all of it, I can put the basics. I have been going through some struggles. My mind was unstable and I could tell that I was spiraling in a negative direction. I was unable to stabilize my mind, my therapist helped a little, but it was not enough. I had been praying for help and advise from the Lord. Usually my dreams give me some insight, but not this time. This time the only dreams that came were scattered and nonsensical. I finally humbled myself to ask a couple gentlemen for a blessing. (A blessing is when two men who hold the authority given by God, lay their hands on a persons head and are able to act as a conduit for the Lord. They speak the words the Lord wants you to hear at that time and the spirit of the Lord gives you comfort). I received that blessing and the most amazing thing happened...my head cleared up. I was able to look at the world through opened eyes and understand so much. It's hard to describe except that I didn't have to fight to pay attention, I could remember things and I was able to speak clearly and be understood. It's been a while since I've been able to do that. My mind has now gone back to what passes for normal or how it usually is, but the memory is still there. Plus, it's not as bad. It's nice to know that the Lord is there. Everything will work out, somehow, someway...

An Angel for me?

So, for now at least, I think Tuesday will be "spiritual tuesday". Here I will share different incites that I have learned either at church, on my own or at Institute (which is pretty much a Bible Study collage class that also include other scripture)


Alma 8:15 "Blessed art thou, Alma; therefore, lift up thy head and rejoice, for thou hast great cause to rejoice; for thou hast been faithful in keeping the commandments of God from the time which thou receivedst thy first message from him. Behold, I am he that delivered it unto you."

In this scripture this guy, Alma, is sad and discouraged and here comes an Angel to visit. How cool would that be, but then when you think about it this happens all the time. An angel could be a friend, family member or complete stranger that happens to be there at the right time and in the right place. This makes me think of a movie, "Almost an Angel" it's one of my favorite movies of all time but is really hard to find on dvd since it was never put out commercially.

The Lord prepares people to help us we may not know who, where or why. We may even think 'someone for me?' and shake our head disbelievingly. It's true. One of my favorite songs is "Gotta be Somebody" by Nickelback. We may not know it but the Lord prepares people and prepares us and "Somewhere out there", there is somebody being prepared for each of us to help us be the best people we can be.

The Adversary will take our flaws and magnify/ distort them. Either HE will make us believe that our flaws make us think we are worse then we really are or he makes them seem to be not that bad. Whenever we take our flaws to the extreme it is important to take a step back and evaluate. Is it really that bad? or, Is this something that is worse than I feel it is? Either way, it is good to avoid the extreme and simply try to live life as the best you that you can be. Enjoy life. Be happy. And do what you feel is right, what you truly feel in your heart.

What brings joy?

How can the gospel be the thing that brings us the MOST joy?
I've had the gospel in my heart all of my life. I have done all that was asked, to the best of my abilities. I gave all I could, expecting nothing. It wasn't until recently that I have felt the MOST joy and sorry to say, I am not living the gospel as I should. I have felt joy while in the church. I do not discount the truthfulness or happiness that comes from the gospel of Jesus Christ. I can not imagine my life without my Heavenly Father included. At some point I do have a strong desire to reincorporate the gospel in my life but I am not ready yet.

At church one of the leaders said "Depression comes from not following the Lord." This I do not agree with. I am not following the Lord completely now and yet my depression is at a minimum. I have gone in and out of serious depression for much of my life and during those times I was following the Lord, sometimes to the extent of exactness. I do believe that aspects of the gospel can alleviate depression but I do not think it is a direct sign of not following the Lord. Listening to the Lord can give you greater blessings, but life is not black and white, cut and dry. Wicked have evil horrible lives and righteous have joyful good lives.

Another comment that actually had me pretty upset was this one. "You may not get second chances in the times that we live now." I wasn't the only one either. I will not ever believe that a loving Heavenly Father will have a time in which He chooses to leave us in sorrow. We make a bad choice and want to turn our lives around, there is always room for repentance.

Leaning on the Lord's Justice is a hindrance. The adversaries most valuable tool is in causing us to discount mercy and feel that we are worthless and unsaveable. Everyone is of worth and the laws of mercy apply to us all no matter how much worse we feel our lives or decisions are than others. We all willingly commit sin, to different degrees, and still the laws of mercy apply. There is always a way and that way is through our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Are you emotionally and socially in balance? How about spiritually? (this is a good question to ask yourself every once in a while.

We all make mistakes. It's what we do after the mistake that's important.


These are simply some thoughts that came into my mind from church last Sunday.

No institute?

I have enjoyed going to institute the past few weeks and last week I wasn't going to have my usual ride. I thought, "that's ok, I have lots of work and studying to do. I can stay home and do that instead." Well that thought didn't last long before I felt a strong pull inside myself and a yearning in my spirit. I wanted to go back to institute. This semester we are starting a study of the Book of Mormon. So I called for a ride, not too hard to do, Jason Valentine was more than willing to pick me up. We were in the van, goofing off and figuring out what type of bread we were. Kirsty then came up with an interesting question. "What is the difference between muffins and cake. You're not supposed to have cake for breakfast but are muffins any better?" This was a long conversation in which Jason came up with another question, "What is the difference between Lumpia and Eggrolls?" As we pulled into the parking lot it had been decided that the only way to know would be to run a series of tests, i.e. cooking a lot and tasting. Entering the building I began to get excited, until I noticed that the teacher was nowhere to be found. This confused me but I went with it. As with the beginning of any semester, we all had to introduce ourselves and then say one interesting thing. Being the oddball that I am I told everyone that I love to write stories. That led to the question of "short stories?" to which I had to reply "no, novels and novelettes." Sometimes I wish I could keep my big mouth shut, what a nerd. Actually I have tried short stories and find myself inept, I haven't gotten down that style of writing yet. After the introductions pieces of paper were passed around for everyone to fill out and enroll for the class. Then the new book of mormon manuals were passed out, they are four times at least, the size of the old one. To my surprise a small spiritual thought was given, the book of mormon challenge announced and the closing prayer said. I sat there for a couple minutes, while everyone else was chatting and eating fudge. 'what happened?' I wondered. Even now, looking back, I feel the disappointment and a small empty feeling in my chest. "This too will pass..." A small group of us did go to Kyle's house and watch an episode of "the office" and eat spaghetti, that was delicious. Well, as far as institute goes...there's always next week.

A Weekend and A Day

The YSA Conference was fun. Saturday was introducing the topics, listening to Steve Young (that was pretty cool) lunch, speed dating and workshops. Yea, I said speed dating. Never done anything like that and I found it quite pointless but interesting. I was told that part of the problem was the lack of structure and the fact that you talk for three min to each person and never see each other again. I actually didn't mind that part since the guys I talked to weren't all that interested in talking to me in the first place. I get that a lot, but it is still fun to have a captive audience for 3 min and they have to pay attention and ask questions and such. My favorite part is when one of the guys had rotated to me, he stood there and I just stared and smiled. I'm good with silence, most people aren't and find it awkward. He looked around and then back at me and then introduced himself. I made him take charge and he didn't like it, oh well. (maybe that's why I have troubles getting dates...etc...) The workshops were monotonous and boring in a drawling sort of way. Although I did learn about keeping commitments and free agency and such. I did have one workshop that was amazing. He was a professional magician and he did a few tricks during his talk/discussion. At first I thought it was just cheesy, simple tricks, but he did save the best for last. It was a card trick that illustrated that no matter what, the blessings God has promised are with us, always, even when we can't see them or when we don't know they are there. Dinner was amazing mexican, the diced chicken was the best (the salsa too spicy but there was a green sauce that was heaven. Then I selfishly went to the game hall and set up a tough puzzle. It felt good to know how many people stopped in to see me and help me with the puzzle, even grumbling but of their own free will. I did have a few regulars and we had it done right as the dance started. The dance room was crowded, like sardines and I wondered a bit, danced for two min with a few friends and was all too happy when Joan wanted to take off early. Freedom! We stayed with the Savage's, they were so nice and hospitable. Sister Savage even made a cinnamon roll, pull apart bread loaf. yum.

Sunday we had eggs, cinnamon rolls, milk and ran out the door. It was interesting to see them pass the sacrament to nearly 2,000 people. Sunday was, of course, more spiritual. Although I did enjoy sacrament meeting more than the relief society talks. One of the sisters did talk about wanting a new car and not buying it because it was over spending, unnecessary and overindulging. I do agree that America teaches us to be wasteful, gotta have it now, people. It's good to simplify your life and find joys in the small blessings, nature and even quiet bliss. Although I wonder if I might have had a more hand slapping moment if I had been in priesthood, until I heard that the speakers just hinted and beat around the bush but never came right out and said their topic straightforward. This left many of the priesthood puzzled. Lunch was potato bar....yum sour cream and bacon...oh and a salad. Someones feelings were hurt and when I left with that person, just to get away from the crowd not a pity thing, that person was cruel to my face. I was so sad, felt alone and just went off on my own. I grabbed my food and ate alone and as I was upset and down on myself I remembered what some of my friends have told me about how people will be the way they are and that I can't take all of the pains upon myself, that just throws me into depression. So I prayed and thought things through and let it go. I allowed myself to be mad at another person. After the fireside I even told that person so. I felt heartless and yet good at the same time. After talking with Joan and then Monica, I realized that it's all ok. The fireside was L. Tom Perry. I don't really remember the talk but I do remember leaving the crowded theater, through a hall and down some stairs to a little cuby where I could hear the whole talk. I laid down and stared at the ceiling and enjoyed the spirit. It felt wonderful.

Then to add to it I went to institute tonight. I do love hearing from Brother Celyia. He started with a question, "What is the relationship between the body and the spirit?"

I like deep and thought provoking questions. He then went on to talk about how the body is a house for the spirit, a temple and a protection. How the body and the spirit together make the soul. That the body symbolizes the Natural Man or an instrument of the Natural World and that the spirit symbolizes communication with God. Then how the body should be submissive to a governing spirit. And how the war between the desires of the body and the spirit is a good thing.

From this came the topics of proper sleep, word of wisdom, proper exercise and such. It was a nice lesson with some food for thought but not the only answer to the deep question that was originally brought forth. "What is the relationship between the body and the spirit?" The world may never know...(ha ha, ok, so I just had to through that little commercial bit in there.)

I did have some questions and hard things with...well I guess it wasn't with the lesson since the topic I was talking with the Lord had nothing to do with the lesson. Sometimes you can be reading a scripture, listening to a spiritual speaker, studying a topic with friends and then something completely different pops into your head. You end up talking with the Lord about something off topic and yet that can become one of the best and most memorable conversations.

The religious stuff

This is a compilation of a few different experiences. First of all, while still struggling with many questions, religions as a whole and my own issues I decided to start reading the Book of Mormon again. I first started by reading random scriptures. It helped me sleep better at night and would give me something to think about. Then, after talking to a friend, I realized that a goal needed to be set. I decided to start reading the Book of Mormon backwards. Well not completely but by book, starting with Moroni, then Ether, etc...While reading this scripture caught my eye:

In Moroni 7... "Wherefore a man being evil cannot do that which is good; neither will he give a good gift...a man being a servant of the devil cannot follow Christ; and if he follow Christ he cannot be a servant of the devil...Wherefore take heed, my beloved brethren, that ye do not judge that which is evil to be of God, or that which is good and of God to be of the devil."

I took this to be that even if a person believes they are not on the right path. If a person struggles with certain commandments or teachings, it's ok. Not everyone is going to get it right the first time. Not everyone will make the same choices or in the same order. If we give good gifts then we can not be a servant of the devil. Then we are not turned away from Christ.

Then a couple weeks later I was talked into going to Church on Sunday. Basically I had run out of excuses and I did know it was where I was supposed to be. While sitting in sacrament meeting and listening to the amazing talks I wrote this in my Bible:

It is easy to become complacent. To follow the religious practices of the church. Come every Sunday, fulfill your calling perfectly, visit the less active members, share the gospel with others and even praying and reading the scriptures. You can do all of this. You can feel the spirit in your life and still be missing something. It is hard to explain what it is you may be missing, but it is something necessary for true happiness. Then one day you become overwhelmed and bursting like an explosion you fall to pieces. It takes time to pick up all the pieces. One piece at a time and still you are missing something. Each piece is precious, each piece brings you closer to the prospect of happiness. but each piece is still just a small piece. They don't fit the same and the puzzle has changed. You begin to read the Book of Mormon, knowing that it is the word of God. Then you pray that the Lord can give you strength and answers. That very night you have a dream. a dream where there is no question. A dream that is precious and held close to your heart, solidifying that Jesus is our Savior and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is true. Then you come back to church a little, once, and talk to your friends. That is where you find some of what you are missing. It takes time to integrate back into all of the teachings, guidelines and responsibilities of the Church with out becoming overwhelmed again and having to start all over. I am glad that the Lord makes burdens light but still allows us the freedom to experience those burdens. It is hard but He is there. This happened to me but through the Lord weak things can be made strong.

Then in Sunday School I began thinking about where I was going with my life. I thought of my friends and some of our conversations. I thought of the impression i was leaving with even my closest circles of friends and even those I haven't seen or heard from in , what? , 3 months (maybe an exaggeration). I also thought about the discussion about the priesthood that we were having. I then thought of my friends in the ward and I wrote this on a little random card.

I will not be the one to lead you...you will make your own decisions. I will make my own decisions. I will not be the catalyst that leads you to fall back from where you would one day like to be.

I was then going for a walk, one of my long excursions, and thought about myself. Where was I going? What was I doing with the gifts and knowledge that God has given me? Who was I helping? How was my spirituality doing? I then chatted with the Lord (I do this often though on my mission I did it on an hourly basis or maybe even minute...or any spare moment? I don't know, something like that. Now it's more of an off and on thing but I think it's still relatively daily, just not as in depth as it was on the walk.) The Lord answered me:

It is important to be in the church, to live the standards, to fulfill callings, to partake in temple blessings, to share the gospel, to do genealogy, to go to activities, to go to church, to listen to the lessons, to do all these things and more. But, the thing that is more important is your free agency. If you do all these things, even if it is with a willing heart, because you were told to then you have followed the plan of the adversary. Live your life and follow your standards. The most important thing is that you incorporate the Lord in all your dealings and with in your life. If it so be that you choose to do the things which have been asked, then blessed be the day. And, if it so be that you do not choose all of these things but only a part, blessed be the day. For if you follow Christ, you do not follow the adversary even if you are not quite where you should be, or where you may one day desire to be.

No matter what, these things are a great comfort to me. I just needed to write this down for my own benefit. And, we shall see how the whole, read the BOM backwords is going to work or if I end up getting stuck at 2nd nephi. Or maybe I'll get stuck in Ether instead? Who knows.

Selfishness and the Church

Lately I have felt so selfish. It is a great conflict that I am not used to. I have always tried to put everyone else in my life first. I know that you can not please everyone all of the time, but it seemed to work for me. I did go through serious depression and such from time to time but I could always pick myself back up by doing something nice for someone else. I guess it's been eating me up inside, like a cancer, moving so slow that I didn't even know until I had a breakdown. I am better now, at least to some degree. The problem is that I am supposed to put myself first. I am supposed to focus on my life and where I want to be. I am supposed to create a future, which would be good so that I don't have to mooch off of all of my friends all of the time.

So I have stopped doing some things that were always second nature to me. I have let some things go that have appeared to be moving me forward but instead have been holding me back. Now I feel selfish to want to go to the store and buy good makeup and actually wear it. To dress more than nice to receive compliments. More than desiring those compliments but actively doing whatever I could to keep receiving those compliments. To be vain about my hair. To buy new clothes, and not just bargain Walmart or thrift store. To wake up a new person (still being me but just how I see myself and the world) and see each wonder in life, to find joy and newness and peace all around me. (Like Goku from Dragonball. He's always happy and his life is never complicated, unless he's saving the world)

So Kelley asked if I was going to church and I said sure. We went together, which was nice for some part and not so good for others. Sometimes I talk too much and give people too much power over me. It may be the masochism inside. I just put my foot in my mouth and share everything with out thoughts of consequences. (you know that is the problem with this blog too...lol, just thought of that)

So at church a few things came up that didn't quite make sense to me. First one of the leaders said that he could feel all of our strong Testimonies even if we didn't get up to share. Really? For some strange reason I thought that a testimony was dormant and only gained strength from sharing it. I don't understand how someone could feel the spirit of a testimony that hasn't been given. I do believe that he felt the spirit in the room though.

In one of the classes someone mentioned that we need to avoid the bad people in the world. I don't believe that there are bad people in the world. There are bad actions, bad intentions, bad results, bad ambitions and other such....BUT, I don't think there is a single bad person. Not even the most horrible people you can think of...I just don't feel it. Maybe it is naive to see good in every person I come in contact with but I wouldn't want it any other way.

I didn't even realize it was fast Sunday until it was announced that the time is given for everyone to share out Testimonies. I sat there listening to everyone and started wondering, What is my Testimony? What is my true testimony and not just what I say all the time? Not the rote missionary testimony or primary testimony or what I always say. Some of my friends have called or contacted me asking if I had lost my testimony or what-not. So I really thought about it and then started writing and this is what I came up with.

"I know that this church has the Spirit with in that testifies of the Truth. This church teaches good and right principles that encourage people to become better than they are. There is a great strength in the membership. The church is based on helping others - selfless service. It is guided not by men or by man's ideals but it is guided through study, prayer, revelation and through the spirit. I am grateful that this church is on the earth and for the light of Christ that shines with in and within the members. I pray that everyone can feel God's love and the blessings that are given each and every day. I love the Lord and all that He has done. I am grateful for my friends, family and life experiences, no regrets just learning lessons."

Hope this answers those who are worried about me. Don't be. The spirit is in my life and I am focusing on moving forward. I am focusing on doing the right thing and finding joy and happiness in my life. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and is guiding me and watching over me. The big relief is that I am finally finding out what I want and making my own decisions instead of just doing what I am told.

Should I Stay or Should I go....But it's the Temple

So some friends were going to the Temple on Saturday and I was going to do a service project instead. This project had been set up before the date for the Temple. Well I procrastinated and ended up not doing the service project. That gave me the choice, since I had already said I wasn't going to the Temple. Well I thought to myself the night before. "I'm not feeling well so I don't even know if I will get up in time." So I didn't mention anything to anyone. Then I just happened to wake up early, even though I was on the verge of not feeling well and exhaustion. I woke up with energy and everything. So then I decided to take a shower. Grandpa was in the bathroom and sometimes he can take hours just to get ready in the morning. It wasn't looking good and still I had told nobody of the possibility of going. Grandpa got out in record time and I showered. I was all dressed up and my dad asked "Where are you going?" I said, "I'm thinking of going to the Temple" He looked a little sad, "Oh, I thought you were going to be home." I looked at him, "Why?" I asked. He shrugged, "I was hoping to play games together." "Oh" I said. It was a tempting offer, I thought it over but then he said, "The Temple is a good decision." I nodded, "Yes it is. Maybe we can play games another time." My mother, who was going, was running late. This was a blessing because I was ready at the same time she was. I was out the door and got in the car. "Where are you going?" She asked. "Why to the Temple of course." She just looked shocked and then we went. It was a great decision even if my emotions were all crazy that day. The Temple can't always fix everything but it is still a good choice to make. When I die will the Lord ask, "What level did you get your character too on Revelation." or "How far did you get on Revelation." I don't even know if he'll ask "How many times did you go to the Temple?" I think He will ask something like, "How many people did you help?" "How did you build relationships with your family?" "Did you care enough for people to give them the opportunity to make the same covenants you have already made?" These new questions can lead into going to the Temple, serving others, sharing the Gospel and other things we have been asked to do. It's not your actions, but the intent of your heart.

Should I stay or should I go? That is entirely up to you. It's the Love that matters.