My emotions and I: a learning experiance

hmmmmmm.......I can't remember where I was going with this one. I hadn't typed anything except for the title. Let me think.....oh! That's Right!!!

So I guess it's time for me to come out of the closet. Yea, I've been keeping a deep dark secret, even from myself. I have since seen a couple psychiatrists and at least a few different counselors. They have all come to the same conclusion. I have been diagnosed Bi-Polar. Yea, ok, so it may not be quite that serious but that is my diagnosis. A friend said that I may simply be Manic Depressive. Although, my psychiatrist said that I was simply a unique form of Bi-Polar. What ever the case, I am on medication....the good thing is it seems to be helping.

I feel more stable at times and I notice when I am caught in obsessive compulsions. Sometimes I can even stop the compulsions now. It's amazing. I am a better driver, or at least notice when I do something I shouldn't and then back off. I still go extreme high and low but now I feel more in control. I feel almost what it would be like, to be like other people. To not be considered strange and to not have to be so shy and quiet all of the time. It doesn't matter what others think, this is a lesson I am still learning.

Talks, Blogging and Teaching....sheesh

yea, so this is another one that I left blank. I kinda know what this one was about but because it's been so long, it's just going to be a short paraphrase, instead of a super long blog.

I have been so overwhelmed with trying to keep up with blogging, teaching a class at church, taking 15 units in college, working 3 full time days a week and now being called on to speak in a few different wards over the past 3 weeks. I can't believe that I keep up with all of this stuff. It makes me crazy tired but keeps me busy enough that I don't worry about the things I wish I was doing with my life. It's better to be depressed and so busy that you can't think straight, that to be depressed with time to brood on all of the things wrong with my life. The only downside to this life style is the regular hits of burnout that make me unable to do anything, sometimes for a few weeks at a time....but each time I think, "this time will be different", "I can do it. I can keep up this pace for the rest of my life".

The only stupid person is the one who does the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

I am working on breaking the cycle. It will take time but it will be worth it, especially if I can find a happy medium in my life.

No power means Late to Work??

Of course not. Not with my awesome Alarm Clock. It goes off even when the power is out. Although it's not the snappy radio station or the annoying alarm sound. It's just this soft eh....eh...eh...eh, but it wont stop till you get up, cross the room and completley turn it off. No snooze for the no power alarm hahahaha.

Well with the power off, my grandpa couldn't see so he went to the bathroom on top of the toilet seat....eeeewwwww. I didn't know, becasue the light wouldn't work, so I lifted the seat up and heard "splash" I just knew what it was and sighed. Then the power came on, convenient. I cleaned up the bathroom and got on facebook real quick to check my messages. Then ran to take a shower and who do you think is in the bathroom???? Grandpa! ack! He never gets up before 9am until the day I have to leave about 8. So either I stink or I'm late to work. Whatever....that's my life.

Facebook, School, Work and having a life...

Wow. So it has been a while since I posted. It's difficult on this piece of crap keyboard that doesn't always type the letters I do. So either I will just leave it and you will have to figure out the words with the missing letters or (more likely) I have to keep deleting and retyping the words. Argh!!!!!!!!!!!



Last I was on I stated how facebook had sapped my life away. So I took a break and then slowly integrated it back into my life. Problem is, that didn't work so well. It did it again. Ack! Stupid applications. I only have a puppy, farm, house, green patch, blue cove, kidnap and car. Then there are those surveys that tell you where you should live, what famous person you are like and when you will be married. Sheesh.....yea this is not working for me.....

So now I only have a puppy, which has my main attention and then I network. I send people messages and check my own. I chat with some people when we are online at the same time. But why should I focus so much attention on Facebook when there is a perfectly good free RPG game online? It's like Dungeon's and Dragon's but on the internet with tons of people. It's great.

Also, I am going to school. I do wish to pass my classes and at times this is looking to be an impossible task. I just keep plugging away and do the best I can. If I pass all of these classes this semester I will have, "an AA Degree in Literature and Arts" yea yea, it's a pansy degree but it will get me into BYU and they have a great english and esl and music program. Oh yea, I'll learn a lot...

Then there's work, that's another big thing. I was working three days a week, full time days, in Petaluma. Then I was going to school two days a week from 9am to 6pm. Then I was going to activities with the singles ward from 7pm to midnight a few times a week. Then I was doing homework, teaching the mission prep class and giving a talk in diff wards almost every sunday.

You wonder why I havn't been blogging and I could give you all of these excuses. Yes. My life has been extreamly busy and hard to handle. Yes, I have been exhausted and lacking for sleep. No, those are just excuses and no a reason at all. The real reason is I got lazy, I forgot, and then it was just too much trouble to get back into. At least until I got my butt kicked and realized that people actually read my nonsenss.....

Coming to a blog near you:

(I posted this a few days ago and didn't realize until just now that I posted it in the wrong place so it wasn't even in my blog....lol. Well now it's here, late again. ~sigh~)

So I have a number of blogs that I need to get to, I have the continuation of my adventures with Taya, Julian and myself. I have the continuation of the troubles with facebook. I have the interesting life of giving talks, managing a blog and teaching a church class. I also have the unusual and unexpected life of myself and my emotions. I have the no work blues, which incudes some great insights. Should I stay or should I go.......but it's the temple. And now, to work or not to work. and last, Cluttered room / cluttered mind.



I am currently typing these up in word and was going to polish and post today and then got called into work last minute. Just as a small heads up, though more detail in the latter blog, I havn't been working for almost two weeks. Well last night I got a last min phone call asking if I would be able to work for this guy for a couple days. I can't say no, I need the money, so I dropped everything and I'm going in to work, which means no time to goof off or post blogs. You wanted substance so here it is, although I had a better into in the next blog I was planning on posting. I might just leave it there for the comedy =P

Posting

Well, kelley, this one's for you. I told you I'd post something on my blog.....although i did say it would be a couple days ago, but better late than never.

My Post!!!

The Tragedy of Facebook

Oh the horror! I have been absent for far too long and it is all [or mostly] [or at least in the beginning it was all] the fault of FACEBOOK.

A person may argue that I have been a member of that wretched site for at least 6 months or so and only now I am complaining. This is true. The world in which I live is all to be found on facebook [all but a couple of really special people that havn't signed up yet, maybe they are the lucky ones.] I soon found out how many friends I really had and how many people still remember me or are willing to claim that they know me. It is wonderful when there is one website where family, friends, church, politics, events, parties, movie nights and business can all be found. I have been able to feel loved and included when sometimes I wouldn't have been, it was a dream come true.

As with all good things there is a reverse side. Gradually I was sucked in to these little horrors called "Applications". It started with "little green patch". That is a fun application that also helps you feel as if you are accomplishing something great by saving pieces of the rainforest. Here I could send people plants, receive plants that people would send to me and unlock new plants so that I could then send more plants. You get the idea. Thats alright, I could accept this one little time waster, because I was helping to save acres of rainforest, right? Wrong! After going for the "Little green patch" I soon added, "Speed Racing" where I could sup up my car and save up money to buy my dream car and race other cars. Then came "Heros Ability" where I gained the ability of Pirokenesis. Here I could attack people with fire attacks and become stronger.

I could go on, there are "LDS Pictures", "Vampires", "Chinese Symbols", "Dragons" and "Fairies", all of these are just pictures that you send to people and get more pictures and unlock pictures. Then you can join "Kidnap" and kidnap your friends in odd ways and unlock more odd ways to kidnap friends. There are also surveys and questionairs that tell you what movie character, super hero or any number of things that you could be. You can join the wars in "Mobsters", "Vampire Wars" and "Dragon Wars", where you attack people and encourage your friends to join so that you can be stronger and attack stronger people. And the latest application I've added is "Farm" where you create your own farm and grow things and take care of animals and send gifts.

All of these things take time and before you know it you are spending the time you would in a full time job, online with all of these applications. Those aren't even all of the applications, there are millions and friends continue to send more and if you don't accept you wonder if they will still be your friend. All of the pressure to waste more time online where you accomplish nothing.

I have now joined the FA or "Facebooks Anonymous". At first all I did was avoid facebook completely for one week, but the problem with that was I got sick and said "I'll just check my messages, no harm in that." Before I knew it my day was gone and all I had done was log onto facebook. I admit it, I am a Facebook Addict. I have now set up the organization for myself and will be attending my first meeting this week. It will be a once a week meeting where I will look at my addiction, see where I was the past week, set goals for the new week and read scriptures and such that pertaining to the atonement. Gradually I will turn my life over to the Lord and allow His great goodness to help me overcome my problems.

This is a Trajedy I allowed my life to fall into but luckily I think this story will end with "Happily Ever After".