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Back online, though the quality can not be guaranteed yet, it may start out as random ramblings until I get a system up again.

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13 December 2009


So a friend told me that things come in three's.  First my games and electronic items were stolen, on top of a number of expensive games that belong to a friend of mine.  That was an expensive and hard lesson to learn.  Then my car window was shot out, luckily nobody was injured and it was only one window.  I also have the help of a fabulous man, Sean, who has been comforting me and helping me through this.  Now its the misunderstandings and anger of two people close to me.  Both find their problems in their life to be MY fault and have decided to lay it all out on me.  I can't take this.  I don't understand why I have to find ways to make my life work on my own.  How come it's my own fault if I don't sign up for classes and miss deadlines and now it's my fault if you miss the deadlines yourself?  How come I have to go to counselors and use the help that the school offers but then I get yelled at when I don't help you at the drop of a hat.  You claim hardship to the collage so that you can receive financial aide and then expect everyone to hold your hand and walk you to your classes.  Wake up and take some responsibility.  It's not my fault and it's not your parents fault.  Even if your parents feel the same way and wish to lay the blame on me as well.  I don't have to take the blame.  I've taken the blame for so many things all of my life, I don't need to do it any more.  The problem is, it hurts my heart and still deep inside I feel like it's my fault.  Will that feeling ever go away?  Will a day come when I can wake up and realize that if the world exploded tomorrow, that it would not be my fault?  Can I ever find a way to stop taking everyone else's problems on as my own?  It is a whole lot of unnecessary stress that I don't need.  Living here is a lot of unnecessary stress that I don't need.  Am I capable of getting out or am I still too needy to be able to make it on my own.  Or, is this simply me running away from my problems.  It would be nice to move to Alaska and have a fresh start.  If only things were that easy.