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Future Thursday
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Back online, though the quality can not be guaranteed yet, it may start out as random ramblings until I get a system up again.

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26 July 2009

A dry Sponge

A dry sponge is one that is always needing moisture, always needing something. I am like that sponge. There are times that I try to be other than I am but my nature is what it is. The good thing is that my obsessive nature is lost on most people and internal for the most part. The bad thing is that so much mental space is taken up trying to obsess over so many different things. It is actually quite exhausting.

My biggest obsession is...oh wait, this blog isn't about obsessions. There I go losing track. This is about being a sponge that always takes. I guess that would make me a very needy person. I can't be told, oh lets see, for example: "you're beautiful". If I'm told that once then I feel beautiful that once and then it goes away. To stick I would have to hear it all the time. Now I'm not saying that is what I have problems with (that would be too personal) actually I have been working on that one and have gotten a lot better, I no longer feel super ugly which is good.

This is no good because that puts pressure on anyone I spend time with to constantly be catering and putting their attention on me. Actually that kinda creeps me out too. So it's a lose / lose situation.

Someone I talked to said that if you don't get something as a kid that is necessary for sanity / survival, then you will be constantly be needing it as an adult. The sad thing is, I don't want to be needy. I want to be like everyone else in that aspect. To be able to live in society. To walk in the park and not worry about what I am doing wrong or what others are thinking or anything like that. To go to the store and only worry about what is needed at the store. You can wish for something but that doesn't make it true.

So in the end that creates me....a sponge. I know it must be exhausting for those of my friends who spend more than a few hours with me. They know. There are times that people need a break from me. Actually there are times I need a break from the world as well. I am working on it, on being more open, being more human. But that is what we are here on this earth to do. To work on our imperfections and be the best people we can be.

22 July 2009

Of Bee's and Tissues

Thing's I learned over the past 5 days:

First - Bees like to collect water from swimming pools, at least LA bees do. They don't like going for the water puddles splashed over the side. Instead they go right into the middle and hover as close as they can. Maybe it's for the adventure or for the life and death experience. Whatever the reason, some of the bees do not make it out alive. Their wings get wet and then they are stuck in the water. I went to the hotel pool to swim, there was a bee struggling in the water. I used my sandal and the bee clung to the end, then carried the insect to the flowers out of the way of any running feet or children that may happen to come by. There was also a seemingly dead one that I scooped into the flowers as well. I must have saved 3 bees and possibly 5, if the others lived. No good deed goes unpunished. I went to swim during the heat of the day and a hornet flew by, dive bombing me. I was in the center of the pool and ducked underwater as fast as possible. The hornet would come, collect water and then leave but if it saw me it would zoom down as if it was trying to attack. Lucky for me I made it out unscathed but my peaceful relaxing alone time swim was ruined.

Second - My grandfather was a very frugal man. He could make anything last longer than it should while still being in good working order. He cared about recycling and reusing things. Then he had a stroke and now has a form of dementia. I recently learned from my father that when grandpa first came to live with us, he would reuse tissues. Yes, that's right, using the same tissue over and over again. After using a tissue he would lay it out to dry and then use it again when he needed to blow his nose. This is very unsanitary and at first my father would just throw away the tissue but has since taught my grandfather to simply toss the tissue away when done with it. I found this pretty funny, especially since he doesn't do it anymore.

The other minor things I learned were: I can survive without internet, I need to get my typing done, I guess some romance books aren't all that bad, It's ok to not have seen the movie that everyone else has already seen, Nobody likes it as cold as I do so I have to learn how to adapt, Sometimes a dream is better left forgotten, The blue mountain dew is the best flavor but does not stop a migraine as good as the original flavor, hand sanitizer is a must to prevent allergies, Crowd phobia is not good when being packed in the center of two others in a back seat, Sometimes it's ok to be a little vain when nobody knows and I need some alone time for a bit or just one or two others but no big group things, not right now.

It was a wonderful trip to LA. Got to see a number of places where my parents grew up and where my grandparent's spent much of their lives. I got to hear some great stories and take a few good pictures. The heat was unbearable, I am so glad I do not live there. The hotel was nice and offered a decent complimentary breakfast in the mornings and it was good to have a pool to swim in whenever I wanted. I did miss having my own computer and realized how much I need to focus on typing all my ideas and writings. I met some old friends of my grandfather's and even went to a fun bbq. I saw the coolest dragon timer for games, but someone bought it before I did and it was gone. I enjoyed hearing my grandpa's stories and telling me about the places he'd been too. No one else really understood him and so I either just talked with him or translated when he was trying to talk to others. I had a great time and I know he did too. We also bought a pineapple watermelon, it's really tasty. I never knew you could combine the two.

17 July 2009

Exhaustion, will I ever learn

This past couple weeks has been a time of exhaustion. I have cleaned house, trashed stuff and did whatever I could to help my Grandma's stay be an enjoyable one. I love her dearly but have been worn to the bone now. The killer was last weekend when I painted my grandpa's room by myself (I did have help from one of my greatest friends, Kelley, who stupidly came and helped even though she was recently out of surgery. She did a fantastic job painting the trim and the ceiling.) Then we went to visit my sister in crescent city and last night came back in. I unpacked and put away my stuff and my Grandma's, made sure she had her med's and such. Then I receive a phone call that some of my friends were meeting at Stephen Hare's house to swim. I was hot, tired and worn out. A good swim was just what I needed.

Yes, I went. At 10:45 at night I went over to a swim party expecting it to be relaxing. It was a little bit but not near as much as swimming alone in the pool. It was cold enough that everyone ended up in the hot tub. The problem was that every time I left for the solitary of the pool there was always someone who followed with the same idea. There goes relaxing.

Got home at 2:30am and checked facebook real quick. I haven't been online since last Thursday, other than to post a pic here or there, but I didn't really check much else or comment on much else, until last night and now today. I can still feel the exhaustion, and there's a dance that everyone wants me to go to. I don't know if I can make it (unless I drink some mountain dew lol, but then I'll be in the same boat tomorrow, just in time to leave to LA with my grandparent's and my parents for their vacation.)

The other think I've been thinking about is how much I need to get my writing done and how much time facebook and blogging take. I may decide to limit my blog to once a week or something like that. There is a quote that I heard from a writer at a convention that said something like, "If you wish to make writing a career then you do not write for free unless it is for experience on a resume."

I do wish to do more with my writing and the plans I had for my blog were more than just "this is what I did today" type stuff. Not anymore. I will write my blog just not every day. (not to mention, I will be with out access to a computer for 5 days when we leave for LA.....)

09 July 2009

For want of adventure

So I have to take a step back from the posts I have already planned out because today was just too amazing to miss.

Sometimes Kelley, Tina and I get tired of the same old, same old. We get this idea in our heads to just go for a drive. This was one of those days.

Kelley's camera is amazing. It takes shots from a moving car going across the bridge on the freeway. Crazy. I took this picture and was pretty proud of myself for being able to catch it, even if it isn't the greatest focus. I think it looks pretty good.

Driving on freeways until we saw an exit we liked, which then led to taking turns and such. We didn't use a map, there was no need too. It was fun to talk, relax and take pictures.

08 July 2009

Pebble Beach

Well I finally posted the Pebble Beach pictures. It's from some, what is it? 15 mile drive? I don't remember, Kelley knows and if she corrects me I will edit this part. Many of these pictures are just breathtaking. I love it.

07 July 2009

The Joys and Adventures of Walking

Since being without a car I have done a lot more walking. I used to walk everywhere until that fateful day when I acquired a license to drive. That was when I realized how much I enjoyed driving. I would speed like crazy, over 100 everywhere I went, except on residential roads. To this day I can't figure out how it took 10 months before my first speeding ticket.

Now that my car has been gone I have decided to get back in shape. I do DDR sometimes but walking is a way to get out of the house and feel the wind in my hair (although that gives me the afro look that I dislike.

I have found that walking to:
Jeremy's house is 2 hours and 15 minutes.
Stephen Hare's house from Jeremy's is 30 minutes.
Washington Mutual from my house is 4 hours round trip.
Walgreen's is 45 minutes.
Napa Valley College is 4 hours one way.
Raleys is 30 minutes.
Baskin Robbins is 15 minutes.
JJ's, the Asian Store, is 5 minutes.
Safeway and Starbucks are 20 minutes round trip.
Tina's is 40 minutes.
Kelley's is 2 minutes.
Walmart is 40 minutes.

I have yet to try:
The Library
Target/Sally's Beauty Shop/Costco/The Social Security Office
Taco Bell
Maritime Academy

It's been fun and interesting. I am getting better, the first walk I did I was already worn out after 30 minutes and don't know how I made the full 2 hour trip. It was hard and that was how I found out that I was really out of shape.

On these walks I meet interesting people. Some say hi, some wave, some will even chat a little and then there are those that ignore me completely. I enjoy some of the sites and it is nice to be alone with my thoughts for a change. I can really work through some problems with my stories and my life. That is also where I came up with so many different blog ideas. Ideas are not my problem. Buckling down and writing or mostly editing and polishing my work is the problem. I also have trouble with marketing.

Although, sometimes it is a curse to be alone with my thoughts for so long. I have made some decisions that I probably shouldn't have made. I have also let go of a lot of things. The good thing is that I no longer allow myself to be driven with the wind / go with the flow. The downside is that I may lose some friends and the approval of some people that I admire. That is a hard thing for me to accept. Hopefully I can begin to move forward instead of staying stagnant.

06 July 2009

My Fourth of July (finally!!!)

It all started with being invited to be in the American Canyon 4th of July Parade. I have volunteered with the ACTS program that sends packages to troops overseas and my brother is in the service. He would have been invited too but he is in Virginia for training.

Getting up early (8am after staying up till 6am) I headed out. I am not very good with new people or with crowds, although it wasn't really crowded or anything. Everyone was with their vehicles. I stood by the one I would be riding with, admiring the Harley Davidson motorcycles that would be riding directly behind us. Oh, I love the bikes and these were nice ones. A number of them had decorations, flags, sparklies and such. A few of the guys had American flag hats or bandanna's. One had an Uncle Sam type American flag hat. One of them also had a Harley teddy bear on the back of his bike.

After a time I decided to get in the back of the truck (I can't remember what type of refurbished military vehicle I was in =( I sat there alone for a bit, watching everyone else socialize and get things ready for the parade. I finally decided to get off my little corner and get out there. I did and I met Shorty, Hal, Denise, Al and Dave. One girl and the rest guys. One thing I have noticed is that a Harley makes unattractive guys attractive and attractive guys downright sizzling. They did almost get kicked out of the parade because one of the guys in the back thought it would be a great idea to break formation and drive back and in a circle before coming back. I'm so glad that they weren't kicked out.

As we were getting ready to head out this cute guy walking by looks and me and smiles, "Hey, you're cute." He headed towards me when the truck started moving and he had to get out of the way. I just smiled and gave a small wave. He shook his head and smiled back. That has never happened to me before (except by guys 60yrs or older) and it was a big compliment and boost to my day. I was walking on clouds all day.

I have also decided that the way Denise goes camping/hiking is not a bad way to go. She stays at Hotels and then goes hiking around in different places. I like camping but it doesn't have to be in a tent to be fun.

05 July 2009

Selfishness and the Church

Lately I have felt so selfish. It is a great conflict that I am not used to. I have always tried to put everyone else in my life first. I know that you can not please everyone all of the time, but it seemed to work for me. I did go through serious depression and such from time to time but I could always pick myself back up by doing something nice for someone else. I guess it's been eating me up inside, like a cancer, moving so slow that I didn't even know until I had a breakdown. I am better now, at least to some degree. The problem is that I am supposed to put myself first. I am supposed to focus on my life and where I want to be. I am supposed to create a future, which would be good so that I don't have to mooch off of all of my friends all of the time.

So I have stopped doing some things that were always second nature to me. I have let some things go that have appeared to be moving me forward but instead have been holding me back. Now I feel selfish to want to go to the store and buy good makeup and actually wear it. To dress more than nice to receive compliments. More than desiring those compliments but actively doing whatever I could to keep receiving those compliments. To be vain about my hair. To buy new clothes, and not just bargain Walmart or thrift store. To wake up a new person (still being me but just how I see myself and the world) and see each wonder in life, to find joy and newness and peace all around me. (Like Goku from Dragonball. He's always happy and his life is never complicated, unless he's saving the world)

So Kelley asked if I was going to church and I said sure. We went together, which was nice for some part and not so good for others. Sometimes I talk too much and give people too much power over me. It may be the masochism inside. I just put my foot in my mouth and share everything with out thoughts of consequences. (you know that is the problem with this blog, just thought of that)

So at church a few things came up that didn't quite make sense to me. First one of the leaders said that he could feel all of our strong Testimonies even if we didn't get up to share. Really? For some strange reason I thought that a testimony was dormant and only gained strength from sharing it. I don't understand how someone could feel the spirit of a testimony that hasn't been given. I do believe that he felt the spirit in the room though.

In one of the classes someone mentioned that we need to avoid the bad people in the world. I don't believe that there are bad people in the world. There are bad actions, bad intentions, bad results, bad ambitions and other such....BUT, I don't think there is a single bad person. Not even the most horrible people you can think of...I just don't feel it. Maybe it is naive to see good in every person I come in contact with but I wouldn't want it any other way.

I didn't even realize it was fast Sunday until it was announced that the time is given for everyone to share out Testimonies. I sat there listening to everyone and started wondering, What is my Testimony? What is my true testimony and not just what I say all the time? Not the rote missionary testimony or primary testimony or what I always say. Some of my friends have called or contacted me asking if I had lost my testimony or what-not. So I really thought about it and then started writing and this is what I came up with.

"I know that this church has the Spirit with in that testifies of the Truth. This church teaches good and right principles that encourage people to become better than they are. There is a great strength in the membership. The church is based on helping others - selfless service. It is guided not by men or by man's ideals but it is guided through study, prayer, revelation and through the spirit. I am grateful that this church is on the earth and for the light of Christ that shines with in and within the members. I pray that everyone can feel God's love and the blessings that are given each and every day. I love the Lord and all that He has done. I am grateful for my friends, family and life experiences, no regrets just learning lessons."

Hope this answers those who are worried about me. Don't be. The spirit is in my life and I am focusing on moving forward. I am focusing on doing the right thing and finding joy and happiness in my life. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and is guiding me and watching over me. The big relief is that I am finally finding out what I want and making my own decisions instead of just doing what I am told.

04 July 2009

But, Still A Blog

Ok, I'm super tired but I already missed yesterday and I do not want to fall behind. I am trying to do a blog a day. The sad thing is that time wise this could cause problems. The good thing is that I will never run out of ideas. I already have 15 blog titles/possibilities that just need to be typed up. Ideas come a little too easy, it's taking the time to write once every day that is the problem.

That said, this blog is actually a cop out, since I am exhausted. Tomorrow I will post about the wonders of my Fourth of July and the sights and Harley's and people I encountered.

Other blogs coming soon to the "Dragon's Cave" include titles such as:

> Medical Advances never cease to amaze me
> Imagine you're sexy
> You're just too nice
> The Joys and Adventures of Walking
> Guy's don't like Needy Girls
> Depression vs a Broken Heart
> The sponge that only takes
> Pebble Beach (another photo set of a fun trip with kelley and tina)

Some restrictions may vary and titles could be subject to change or removal.

Sandra Bullock: only for those who care

(Technically this is yesterdays post, but certain events prevented me from being available to post from my this post is not about that =P...)

Before I get into the meat of this post or should I say, the debate, I would like to put a small plug for the movie "The Proposal" I believe that the character chemistry was amazing, the acting well done and the storyline well written. A good romantic comedy to lighten up any day.

That said I feel that this would be where you either stop reading or continue just out of curiosity. If you complain for having wasted the 5 minutes it takes to read this than it is your own fault. As a heads up I have made a small disclamer:

> If you do not like Sandra Bullock you will not want to read any further.

> If you do not like Romantic Comedies, you will not want to read any further.

> If you did not like either the movie "The Lake House" or "Premonition", you will not want to read any further.

> If you have not seen either movie, you will not want to read any further as this post will include spoilers.

> If you liked the ending of either movie, you will not want to read further.

> If you could care less about either movie than reading further will be excruciating torture to your body and soul.

> If you enjoyed both movies but found a slight mishap with the ending of both movies than you are probably "Tina" and would then read further. If you are in fact "Tina" and do read further you will still find this to be a waste of your time as we have already discussed and agreed upon the response.

The debate is simple. In the movie "Premonition" the guy dies. In the movie "The Lake House" the guy lives. The way these stories are written, this seems backwards. If you pay close attention to the storylines you will find that this is true. If you actually read this far and care about the subject but don't agree you are welcome to debate. Otherwise the decision stands that both are fantastic movies but the endings just happened to be mixed up.

02 July 2009

Closed up Throat

The strangest thing happened to me today. I did my normal morning routine and what not. I put my muffin in the toaster, so that I would have toast for my breakfast. I then pulled it out at the perfect time. It was lightly toasted but still soft in the center. Then I buttered it, I love butter.

That was when I thought it would be fine if I had, just a little, bit of dad's homemade strawberry jam on one piece of toast. It was just a very thin, light layer, most would say there wasn't really jam on it. I took a bite and that was when it happened.

My throat closed up. No, it wasn't choking, I didn't breath in the toast and choke on it. I had chewed and swallowed just fine and then my throat just closed. I was able to cough twice before I was simply gasping and then, no air at all.

Nobody was around, my bro Steven, was in the other room and heard me cough but didn't think anything of it.

Instead of panicking (I never really panic until after the fact, isn't that odd) I grabbed a glass and from the closest sink I put just enough water to get a gulp.

That did the trick. Like magic, my throat opened and I could breath. Unlike when a person chokes, there was no pain or sore spot in the throat. I was back to normal. It was the oddest thing and after the fact, I was pretty scared of what could have happened.

I wonder what it was. An allergic reaction? Asthma? Fluke? Breathing in the jam but not the toast? Sugar? or something else in the jam?

I may never know. I tested it out, I know stupid me you'd think I'd learn but, I took another bite of the toast with jam and didn't have any problems. I did have a drink of water before taking a bite. Maybe the water counteracts what ever happened? Who knows, lets just say I'm not only happy to be alive but happy to breath.

01 July 2009

Monterey Bay

A fun trip to remember. Great friends, good food and an adventurous atmosphere. Memories, inside jokes and lots of water type animals. What more can I say.