If Christianity is true, then the Mormon religion is true. This I have always known. I feel the truthfulness of the gospel every day. I went on a mission for this Truth and did what I could to help better other people lives. I did service, teaching and simply being a friend. I pray for the people I have met along the way and keep them in my heart. I wish for every person on this earth to find joy and happiness. It breaks my heart to see so much sadness, destruction and depression. Good people, who live good lives suffer. I know it has always been this way, even when you read the scriptures you see so many people who have had to suffer while following God.
This is life, this is mortality. But, sometimes I wonder. There are so many rules on what is right and what is wrong. Life is laid out in a little black and white grid, but what if it is not all black and white? Some things in life it makes me wonder if it is really wrong or if some things labeled wrong just serve the purpose of making a person feel worthless, hopeless and down on themselves.
There is a true feeling to the Buddhist religion and to the Islam religion. They have good teachings as well. Christ taught many wonderful things. He was a very enlightened being and we want to be like him. We want to grow closer to our Father in Heaven. I know there is a loving God and that He created all things, but what if it is not through Christianity.
I have suffered from serious off and on depression....the question I have is why am I feeling better now? I stopped going to church a couple months ago and I haven't felt guilty or wrong. It's strange but the depression hits me less and less. I'm still following the teachings that I believe in...it's just...it's time to move forward in life. I finally feel like I can give this world a chance. If it doesn't work out I can get some job out in the middle of nowhere and live like a hermit and become a writer....that actually doesn't sound so bad. But, even so, I will give my best effort, we'll see how long I last.
30 June 2009
29 June 2009
work or school?
Sacramento? Really? No, not really. I am here for today and enjoying the pool and Kelley's airconditioned apartment. The weather is too hot but the water is marvelous.
The rent here is super cheap and the pool is like a resort. Sac state is just a few minutes away. There is also Davis and a few other schools I am looking at. The question is should I get a decent job and start trying to get my life in order and such or should I get school loans and go on to my bachelors.....I am leaning towards school but still haven't decided.
I plan to apply for the loans, schools and grants and see what happens. I may go for work or I may go for school, we shall see.
The rent here is super cheap and the pool is like a resort. Sac state is just a few minutes away. There is also Davis and a few other schools I am looking at. The question is should I get a decent job and start trying to get my life in order and such or should I get school loans and go on to my bachelors.....I am leaning towards school but still haven't decided.
I plan to apply for the loans, schools and grants and see what happens. I may go for work or I may go for school, we shall see.
Weekend at Melanie's
No pictures to show for it but the weekend was fabulous.
First we left about 6:30 and got in to Mel's about 1am. The drive was interesting, we chatted for quite a bit then Tina fell asleep and my bro Steven read from a Steven Colbert book which was pretty funny.
At Melanie's we chatted with her and Paul for a bit, caught up and enjoyed each others company. Melanie had to work that morning so we let her go and decided to get some sleep. Paul made bacon and pancakes for breakfast....delish!
We visited Melanie at work and then went to the beach. Oh how fun to run in the water and feel the sun. The salt was getting to my skin while at the same time it was helping Tina's skin. (such the opposites) So we met Mel at her house and then went to the river. Now that's my place to be, swimming in melted snow run off during 80 degree weather. The Smith river is one of, if not, THE cleanest river in the U.S. No matter where you are you can see the bottom of the water while swimming.
After that relaxing day we showered and had a BBQ, yum! Being nerds we spent the rest of the evening watching anime and hanging out on 4 diff laptops on the internet. Sunday we did the same only we had 5 sets of internet up. It's such a blast though to hang out and just be ourselves.
Sunday brunch I was stupid, I thought 'Oh! Crepes are on special, I would love to have some.' only they didn't come with anything, it was just the crepes. Of course they are tasty but they are also jam packed with sugar which is a big no no for me. I ate two and realized it was not such a good idea. My group finished the other two off and I in turn finished off some of the left over salmon omelet, bacon and hash browns. Dinner was Chinese, very good. The best was watching the movie "Hangover", it was hilarious. That ended at 9pm, so it was time to bid good bye and head out on the road, myself being the driver which is the way I like it.
I, of course, had to get a X-large Mountain Dew from Taco Bell and then I was good to go. There was some tension at the begining of the trip, I was such a Jerk I don't know what came over me. Some times I can be such a _____. I know it wasn't all my fault, my bro has his pride streak that really rubs me the wrong way sometimes and he does not let things go. He even had the gall to offer to drive since I had to stop the car to collect my emotions so that I would be safer on the road. It wouldn't have been such a big deal but he is on a Restricted License due to his own driving issues, meaning he was not legal to drive. When I told him no he asked "What do you think I'm going to kill us?" To which he left the car and said he was going to camp out. Tina and I talked a bit, I wasn't upset with her I tried to be but when it comes to Tina I just melt and the upset feelings go away. This happens every time, even when I want to be upset or at least try to want to kill her or something. It just never works out that way.
The rest of the drive was pretty uneventful and relaxing. I enjoyed music while my passengers either slept or listened to their headphones. It was nice, there were hardly any other cars on the road and I wasn't a bit sleepy, that's probably why I can't sleep now. I'm hoping that blogging will help tire me out and let me get a couple hours sleep before the sun comes up to wake me for the day.
I love visiting Melanie, the hardest part is leaving. I would love to live along the coast in Northern California or parts of Oregon...nice weather and small towns, I love small towns. The only problem is getting a job, because they like to hire people who know people and who have been living there a while. The other problem is if I moved up there I would become a hermit, I would publish my books and enjoy a life of solitude and peace. Not that that is a bad thing, it's just when I pray about it, it doesn't feel like the right thing, at least not right now. I should still try to publish my books, just to see what happens, maybe.
First we left about 6:30 and got in to Mel's about 1am. The drive was interesting, we chatted for quite a bit then Tina fell asleep and my bro Steven read from a Steven Colbert book which was pretty funny.
At Melanie's we chatted with her and Paul for a bit, caught up and enjoyed each others company. Melanie had to work that morning so we let her go and decided to get some sleep. Paul made bacon and pancakes for breakfast....delish!
We visited Melanie at work and then went to the beach. Oh how fun to run in the water and feel the sun. The salt was getting to my skin while at the same time it was helping Tina's skin. (such the opposites) So we met Mel at her house and then went to the river. Now that's my place to be, swimming in melted snow run off during 80 degree weather. The Smith river is one of, if not, THE cleanest river in the U.S. No matter where you are you can see the bottom of the water while swimming.
After that relaxing day we showered and had a BBQ, yum! Being nerds we spent the rest of the evening watching anime and hanging out on 4 diff laptops on the internet. Sunday we did the same only we had 5 sets of internet up. It's such a blast though to hang out and just be ourselves.
Sunday brunch I was stupid, I thought 'Oh! Crepes are on special, I would love to have some.' only they didn't come with anything, it was just the crepes. Of course they are tasty but they are also jam packed with sugar which is a big no no for me. I ate two and realized it was not such a good idea. My group finished the other two off and I in turn finished off some of the left over salmon omelet, bacon and hash browns. Dinner was Chinese, very good. The best was watching the movie "Hangover", it was hilarious. That ended at 9pm, so it was time to bid good bye and head out on the road, myself being the driver which is the way I like it.
I, of course, had to get a X-large Mountain Dew from Taco Bell and then I was good to go. There was some tension at the begining of the trip, I was such a Jerk I don't know what came over me. Some times I can be such a _____. I know it wasn't all my fault, my bro has his pride streak that really rubs me the wrong way sometimes and he does not let things go. He even had the gall to offer to drive since I had to stop the car to collect my emotions so that I would be safer on the road. It wouldn't have been such a big deal but he is on a Restricted License due to his own driving issues, meaning he was not legal to drive. When I told him no he asked "What do you think I'm going to kill us?" To which he left the car and said he was going to camp out. Tina and I talked a bit, I wasn't upset with her I tried to be but when it comes to Tina I just melt and the upset feelings go away. This happens every time, even when I want to be upset or at least try to want to kill her or something. It just never works out that way.
The rest of the drive was pretty uneventful and relaxing. I enjoyed music while my passengers either slept or listened to their headphones. It was nice, there were hardly any other cars on the road and I wasn't a bit sleepy, that's probably why I can't sleep now. I'm hoping that blogging will help tire me out and let me get a couple hours sleep before the sun comes up to wake me for the day.
I love visiting Melanie, the hardest part is leaving. I would love to live along the coast in Northern California or parts of Oregon...nice weather and small towns, I love small towns. The only problem is getting a job, because they like to hire people who know people and who have been living there a while. The other problem is if I moved up there I would become a hermit, I would publish my books and enjoy a life of solitude and peace. Not that that is a bad thing, it's just when I pray about it, it doesn't feel like the right thing, at least not right now. I should still try to publish my books, just to see what happens, maybe.
28 June 2009
Fanime 2009
So I finally put up my fanime pictures. So much fun. It is a wonderful weekend, I love seeing the costumes people come up with. Hopefully my costume will be done by next year and I can join in. My sister made the Innuyasha and Kagome costume that her and her boyfriend were wearing. She is a great seamstress. That was also the best Sailor Moon outfit I have ever seen!
26 June 2009
Castle in Napa (part 3)
Here's a nice random set of pictures from the castle visit. We saw the set from Bedtime Stories, went "wine" tasting (I found the best chocolate for me that doesn't give me migraines yum!), Looked deep into a well, found my knight in shining armor and enjoyed a brisk walk to a tower a little ways off.
I love how kelley caught the bee on the flower.
This picture caught me because it looked like this castle had been under seige but came out victorious. Only one tower damaged.
I love how kelley caught the bee on the flower.
This picture caught me because it looked like this castle had been under seige but came out victorious. Only one tower damaged.
25 June 2009
Castle in Napa (part 2)
These are some great scenery pictures. The tree is an olive tree, there are some amazing spiritual symbolism's with the olive tree in christian beliefs. There is also a strong spiritual connection is the Hindu and Buddhist religions as well. I could feel it, what a peaceful place.
Castle in Napa (part 1)
A couple weeks ago Kelley, Tina and I took a drive up to Napa to visit the "Castello di Amorosa" It was so amazing!
As my cousin put it..."The Three Amigos are back" That's exactly how it feels. All three of us are together again and it's great fun.
We finally got the self portrait down; looks really good.
Each of these stones for the castle was imported from Italy.
Yes! Dragons! I can almost reach.
Enter The Castle. The floor of the bridge I'm standing looks like it's hand cut wood.
This is a really nice one. I love the way the metal was carved out.
I would have loved to hear the bells!
It's pretty amazing how the stones were all put together. So much character.
All in all it was gorgeous to look at. It was well built and quite an experience.
24 June 2009
A new obsession
Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me. When I actually open up to people, even my best friend, they just don't get how my mind works. It doesn't make sense to anyone, least of all me.
One of my biggest problems is obsession. I get caught in an obsession and It's all I can focus on. I do anything I can to fulfill the obsession. It is to the point of making me late for important things, annoying other people and keeping me from accomplishing anything else.
I've been told that this is part of my chemical imbalance. I believe I already mentioned it in this blog but I have been diagnosed with minor bi-polar disorder. The good thing is that I'm not completely crazy....whew. The bad thing is these obsessions.
With the help of counseling and a small dose of medication I have been able to control my condition a little more. Such as the ability to tell when an obsession is coming on. I can see the signs and feel the drive. I have recently avoided such an obsession, at least I hope so. It's hard to tell this early in the game.
So you read this and say, "Whats so bad about that? You could get obsessed with something and accomplish so much." If only that were true. The first thing is that I can not control what my next obsession will be so on the plus side it could be cleaning my room, which means I wouldn't be able to really eat, sleep or stop until it was done. The bad thing would be if it was a book, tv, facebook or a person. I just can't stop.
The good thing with things that can be finished is that I usually don't stop till it's finished. Although if those things take a long period of time to finish I may lose the obsession before it's done and move on to the next thing. That leads to the other downside of the obsessions. There is a certain period of time where I am caught in these desires and then all of a sudden one day it drops/fizzles out. I no longer obsess over that one thing/person. This is really bad with a person because I all of a sudden stop talking to them, messaging them or hanging out with them for no reason. I also usually stop talking and hanging out with most other people as well. It's like I become a hermit or something and then I catch another obsession and I'm off and running again.
It's insane! Can't I just focus on life like everyone else? Or, at least, could I have one or two predictable cumpulsions? It would be nice to know what I am going to do or say from day to day. Sometimes I wake up and see what I have done or written and ask myself, "when did that happen?" or "What made me say that?" I make no sense to myself but for sure, I would never put anyone through this. It's too annoying and frustrating. I would probably lose friends.
And so, with my new ability to notice the obsessions before they hit full force; I can hopefully stop them before it becomes a problem. I hope. This is one of my first attempts. My first attempt was sucessful one time; but the obsession hit again a few weeks later and I failed. We shall see how this works.
One of my biggest problems is obsession. I get caught in an obsession and It's all I can focus on. I do anything I can to fulfill the obsession. It is to the point of making me late for important things, annoying other people and keeping me from accomplishing anything else.
I've been told that this is part of my chemical imbalance. I believe I already mentioned it in this blog but I have been diagnosed with minor bi-polar disorder. The good thing is that I'm not completely crazy....whew. The bad thing is these obsessions.
With the help of counseling and a small dose of medication I have been able to control my condition a little more. Such as the ability to tell when an obsession is coming on. I can see the signs and feel the drive. I have recently avoided such an obsession, at least I hope so. It's hard to tell this early in the game.
So you read this and say, "Whats so bad about that? You could get obsessed with something and accomplish so much." If only that were true. The first thing is that I can not control what my next obsession will be so on the plus side it could be cleaning my room, which means I wouldn't be able to really eat, sleep or stop until it was done. The bad thing would be if it was a book, tv, facebook or a person. I just can't stop.
The good thing with things that can be finished is that I usually don't stop till it's finished. Although if those things take a long period of time to finish I may lose the obsession before it's done and move on to the next thing. That leads to the other downside of the obsessions. There is a certain period of time where I am caught in these desires and then all of a sudden one day it drops/fizzles out. I no longer obsess over that one thing/person. This is really bad with a person because I all of a sudden stop talking to them, messaging them or hanging out with them for no reason. I also usually stop talking and hanging out with most other people as well. It's like I become a hermit or something and then I catch another obsession and I'm off and running again.
It's insane! Can't I just focus on life like everyone else? Or, at least, could I have one or two predictable cumpulsions? It would be nice to know what I am going to do or say from day to day. Sometimes I wake up and see what I have done or written and ask myself, "when did that happen?" or "What made me say that?" I make no sense to myself but for sure, I would never put anyone through this. It's too annoying and frustrating. I would probably lose friends.
And so, with my new ability to notice the obsessions before they hit full force; I can hopefully stop them before it becomes a problem. I hope. This is one of my first attempts. My first attempt was sucessful one time; but the obsession hit again a few weeks later and I failed. We shall see how this works.
22 June 2009
This Sunday felt right
For those who read my blog you pretty much already know but for any new viewers there might be some shocking information, though not bad or what not, about me. So if you like the view you have of me, please do not read on, I enjoy staying good.
So, this Sunday felt right. It hasn't in a long time. The last time I went to church was a number of weeks ago and it felt completely wrong. I was on my knees praying for long periods at a time and pondering and soul searching. I couldn't understand why. As I prayed, I felt the peace of the Spirit come over me and I felt that it was not right for me at that time to be at church. I had burned myself out over too much on top of other reasons.
There I said it! I'm not on vacation and it has nothing to do with my lack of a vehicle. It was my own personal decision.
The interesting thing is that I felt the spirit today and it was beautiful. I try to do what I can to keep the spirit with me every day of my life. I do what I can to follow the Lord's teachings and I follow the promptings the Lord gives me through the Holy Ghost. I don't know about other Sundays, I will just keep praying, but it was good to be there yesterday.
I had an amazing time with old and new friends. We relaxed, chatted, ate, cuddled and played boardgames. Some people even thought it was a good idea to watch 'House' but we can't all be perfect.
It was an amazing day and for the first time I felt better about who I was as a person. The Lord wants us to be happy and yet for most of my life I have been in a spiral that went down into the depth of sorrow and destruction. It is a wonder I am still here today, but now I'm glad that I am. Feeling beautiful, special and finding my self esteem rise just a small fraction. No matter what I will never lose Sunday. There will be other days and other experiences and other lessons to learn. I know that and I am ready to stand on my own two feet and actually live in this world.
Kelley's cat, Widdles, is hilarious. She meows like crazy and talks to anyone who will listen. The only downside is that she does not pose for pictures. Luckily , Ally, the other cat, poses very nicely and just looks at you like, whatever. The only problem with cats is my allergies, but the good thing is that with the use of hand sanitizer, washing my hands and arms regularly and taking claratin at times, I have been able to surpass the allergies. It is the greatest feeling ever to be able to go to my friends houses and not have to leave after an hour because my eyes are so red and puffy and I'm sneezing every two seconds and having red bumps along my arms and hands. Sometimes I can even pet the cats, as long as I wash my hands after. =)
So, this Sunday felt right. It hasn't in a long time. The last time I went to church was a number of weeks ago and it felt completely wrong. I was on my knees praying for long periods at a time and pondering and soul searching. I couldn't understand why. As I prayed, I felt the peace of the Spirit come over me and I felt that it was not right for me at that time to be at church. I had burned myself out over too much on top of other reasons.
There I said it! I'm not on vacation and it has nothing to do with my lack of a vehicle. It was my own personal decision.
The interesting thing is that I felt the spirit today and it was beautiful. I try to do what I can to keep the spirit with me every day of my life. I do what I can to follow the Lord's teachings and I follow the promptings the Lord gives me through the Holy Ghost. I don't know about other Sundays, I will just keep praying, but it was good to be there yesterday.
I had an amazing time with old and new friends. We relaxed, chatted, ate, cuddled and played boardgames. Some people even thought it was a good idea to watch 'House' but we can't all be perfect.
It was an amazing day and for the first time I felt better about who I was as a person. The Lord wants us to be happy and yet for most of my life I have been in a spiral that went down into the depth of sorrow and destruction. It is a wonder I am still here today, but now I'm glad that I am. Feeling beautiful, special and finding my self esteem rise just a small fraction. No matter what I will never lose Sunday. There will be other days and other experiences and other lessons to learn. I know that and I am ready to stand on my own two feet and actually live in this world.
Kelley's cat, Widdles, is hilarious. She meows like crazy and talks to anyone who will listen. The only downside is that she does not pose for pictures. Luckily , Ally, the other cat, poses very nicely and just looks at you like, whatever. The only problem with cats is my allergies, but the good thing is that with the use of hand sanitizer, washing my hands and arms regularly and taking claratin at times, I have been able to surpass the allergies. It is the greatest feeling ever to be able to go to my friends houses and not have to leave after an hour because my eyes are so red and puffy and I'm sneezing every two seconds and having red bumps along my arms and hands. Sometimes I can even pet the cats, as long as I wash my hands after. =)
17 June 2009
Anything.....for a strawberry. (And I mean it.)
They say, "be careful what you wish for, you just might get it." True. I was wishing for something last wednesday; I guess I wished really hard.
I was out shopping with my dad. I saw organic strawberries for buy one get one free. That made them 2 small packages for less than five dollars. I was so excited, but did not have any money. Dad did not want to buy them, he said they were overpriced and not worth it. I was so sad and would have done anything for a strawberry. I was even going to post that on facebook to see who would offer me strawberries and the price they would ask.
That was until I was called in to a job last minute. I was picked up for work thursday morning and was prepared to stare at a computer entering data all day. This is a job working for Mike Young, a dentist, who offered to pick me up and drive me to his house so I could work and make money. I like that idea. I get to his house and start on the work. After 2 hours of straight data entry I walk around to take a break.
I was so stiff, I took five or six laps around the inside of the house. (it is a huge five million dollar house, so when I say small laps, I mean small laps with out having to go outside.) After the laps I sit down and do some stretches. Then I sat cross legged and meditated to clear my mind for just a few min.
Before going back to work I decided to peek in the fridge. I know, I know, I'm so bad. But that is the price people pay when they have me work for them. I am a notorious food thief, that will never change. I love trying new food and seeing what people have in their cupboards. Even if there is nothing I want to eat, I always take stock of what is in the cupboards and such so that I would know what is available.
Anyways, I looked in the fridge and lo and behold, there was a batch of strawberries. I was saved. I savored the strawberries only allowing myself to eat one strawberry per break. It was heaven.
The next day I get a strawberry from a friends house. The day after that I come home to heaven. My parents fridge is filled with strawberries, and some home made strawberry jam. Of course jam is too much sugar for me but I still have been eating a little bit to enjoy.
So for the past seven days straight I have had almost a full basket of strawberries a day. I don't regret my wish, the problem is that now the strawberries are gone. I think I'm going to wish harder and see if it won't come true again. I think who ever came up with that saying was bitter from not getting what THEY wished for. Ha Ha.
I was out shopping with my dad. I saw organic strawberries for buy one get one free. That made them 2 small packages for less than five dollars. I was so excited, but did not have any money. Dad did not want to buy them, he said they were overpriced and not worth it. I was so sad and would have done anything for a strawberry. I was even going to post that on facebook to see who would offer me strawberries and the price they would ask.
That was until I was called in to a job last minute. I was picked up for work thursday morning and was prepared to stare at a computer entering data all day. This is a job working for Mike Young, a dentist, who offered to pick me up and drive me to his house so I could work and make money. I like that idea. I get to his house and start on the work. After 2 hours of straight data entry I walk around to take a break.
I was so stiff, I took five or six laps around the inside of the house. (it is a huge five million dollar house, so when I say small laps, I mean small laps with out having to go outside.) After the laps I sit down and do some stretches. Then I sat cross legged and meditated to clear my mind for just a few min.
Before going back to work I decided to peek in the fridge. I know, I know, I'm so bad. But that is the price people pay when they have me work for them. I am a notorious food thief, that will never change. I love trying new food and seeing what people have in their cupboards. Even if there is nothing I want to eat, I always take stock of what is in the cupboards and such so that I would know what is available.
Anyways, I looked in the fridge and lo and behold, there was a batch of strawberries. I was saved. I savored the strawberries only allowing myself to eat one strawberry per break. It was heaven.
The next day I get a strawberry from a friends house. The day after that I come home to heaven. My parents fridge is filled with strawberries, and some home made strawberry jam. Of course jam is too much sugar for me but I still have been eating a little bit to enjoy.
So for the past seven days straight I have had almost a full basket of strawberries a day. I don't regret my wish, the problem is that now the strawberries are gone. I think I'm going to wish harder and see if it won't come true again. I think who ever came up with that saying was bitter from not getting what THEY wished for. Ha Ha.
15 June 2009
Guess who randomly showed up in town...
Yay! Games! Fun! Adventure!
Nick, Stephen Hare and JEREMY came over unexpectedly. Tina and I were watching Psych, I was blogging about the weekend and they just show up. It was the greatest surprise ever! We played Munchkin. Watched True Blood. Watched some random comedy stuff and then watched Benjamin Button. All in all it was a fun Sunday evening.
FHE was lame but I got to say hey to them all there too. I also got to see Emily and we chatted and had a good time as well.
Life is good with friends like these. It's also good to get a chance to see people you haven't seen in forever.
People like Kirsten, who stopped by to pick up her doggie I had been watching for the weekend. Actually my mom did more of the dog sitting since I have such a crazy life style...=P It was so great to see her and chat for a bit, we plan to hang out some time soon and play a boardgame, puzzle, card game or watch a movie marathon or something. She is the best!!!!!!!
Nick, Stephen Hare and JEREMY came over unexpectedly. Tina and I were watching Psych, I was blogging about the weekend and they just show up. It was the greatest surprise ever! We played Munchkin. Watched True Blood. Watched some random comedy stuff and then watched Benjamin Button. All in all it was a fun Sunday evening.
FHE was lame but I got to say hey to them all there too. I also got to see Emily and we chatted and had a good time as well.
Life is good with friends like these. It's also good to get a chance to see people you haven't seen in forever.
People like Kirsten, who stopped by to pick up her doggie I had been watching for the weekend. Actually my mom did more of the dog sitting since I have such a crazy life style...=P It was so great to see her and chat for a bit, we plan to hang out some time soon and play a boardgame, puzzle, card game or watch a movie marathon or something. She is the best!!!!!!!
14 June 2009
22 Things I knew, learned and experianced
1. Running errands with Kelley and helping her mom out who just got out of surgery for her wrist and arm. She is in a lot of pain but will hopefully be better off because of it. Team work and companionship, it was nice to be together.
2. Sodoku is the devil incarnate. Life was good and we were all hanging out, tina, kelley and I, and then I saw a game that I was invited to. I got on and it was horrible. I couldn't find anything and I refused help and ruined the fun of hanging out. That is why I prefer to avoid applications.
3. All dressed up and no place to go. Since I ruined our evening, or at least put a sad close to what would have already been the end of the evening. Tina and I were in the car. Tina really wanted to go out and have fun. I wanted to as well but was exhausted from not having much sleep for the week. We texted and called people but no one was available. So of course we went to Tina's house played skippo and watched Psych. Fun but not going to the club like Tina had been hoping. I'll try to be more prepared for the next weekend, it's just been a while since we've been in a "let's go do something fun mood".
4. Oh what a beautiful morning. Well maybe not quite beautiful, it was more overcast and ordinary. We were preparing to leave for a fun bbq and party but then got called to clean house. There were supposed to be some family/friends coming to visit Tina's parents. Mopping, vacuuming and other such. (Tina was working and I was attempting to watch Psych with the sounds of vacuum in the background. She was soooo inconsiderate while I was lazily waiting for Tina to finish.) I would like to say that I did shake out the carpets in the backyard. Then buying plastic for the tablecloth and going to Sally's Beauty Shop for the first time.
5. Money, money, everywhere...but not in my pocket. So I saw the amazing wax kit that Tina has (slightly smaller kit) that was an amazing price. If I had the money it would have been worth it. I'll say that once you wax you never want to shave again....it's just not worth it.
6. Out on the road. Gathering the address, maps, gps and getting to Amy's house (Tina's sister). We gather Marianne, Xaden and the van. The cool thing about the van is the hidy hole in the middle. A place to keep belongings (or dead bodies...dum dum dum....) It made the ride more enjoyable to have leg room and imaginative thoughts of what to do with a hidy hole in the center of a van.
7. On the road again. First we stop to pick up Ben, then we can all be ready to leave....except, there was a pit stop. Safeway! Buy some sandwiches and drinks. ummm.....drinks? How frustrating it is to find that every single cooler in the store is out of water. The clerks and such said that they haven't restocked yet. Then we try to find Funyan's. What store decides to no longer sell funyans. Oh, wait! There was a large bag of flaming hot funyans. No can do, but wait again. A value bag that contains funyans and fire hot cheetos. Sigh, can't win 'em all.
8. Asian or white. So according to Ben's hypothosis there is something about Asian's and Funyuns and Toyota's. He also thinks there is something about white's and boats, and RV's. My guess on the funyuns is that they are similar to and have a similar consistancy to some other foods that asians eat all the time. That is just my guess, as to the boats, I got nothing. So the question is...I love Funyuns and Toyota is my fav car of choice. I also love all phillipino foods I've tried, which is unusual for a white person. So what am I?
9. And so we arrive. I was worried about being an outcast. I'm not one of the Demesa girls and so only knew the twins through Tina. I did hang out with them but it was a long time ago. I entered a little self conscious. I smiled and hung back. After a few hours I realized that it was the same. We are friends and still friends. I'm so glad I got to see David and Daniel again.
10. A fish out of water. I have been going insane. All this year I have been wanting to swim since march when we had that first heat wave. I guess that's not all this year but whatever. That was the same time I decided it would be a good idea to cut half my hair off. Yes, I did do it myself and yes, it did look horrible. I think that the hairdo is a bit better now. So, as most people know, I don't do well with heat. Cutting off my hair is a drastic measure when I start to go crazy with delirium and heat. Because of the heat I have been yearning for a dip in the pool, lucky for me there happened to be a pool at the party. The sad thing would be that the one day I have access to a pool is the same day the sun decides to not be as hot and the same day that I am visiting friends I haven't seen in years. But a pool.......
11. A bruise, a crack, a break....breaking down. I couldn't take it anymore, staring at the clear crisp water and finally Tina was up for it. We just had to get in. We changed and jumped in full force. Ice water brushed over us like a frozen wave. We swam, shivered, chatted, twirled, relaxed and flipped our way to euphoric peace. Ah the joys of the water.
12. Then came the kids. Alex, this cute little 7 year old blond joined our party. She was fun and loved to swim as well. Xaden joined as well. Tina held Xaden and I spent time with Alex. We all had fun playing, splashing and laughing. Alex clung like a shivery little cat. She would not let me go. I told her that we needed to get out of the water, it's pretty cold. She told me that it wasn't cold hugging me. I must be pretty warm blooded.
13. Leaving the drenched paradise, Alex continued to cling to me. I carried her to a chair, sat down and had someone bring me a towel. She warmed up pretty quick as we cuddled. Then I tried to get up and change out of my wet suit but Alex continued to follow me and would not let me do anything. Instead we ended up playing catch with a tiny blow up ball she called her beach ball. We played a while until I was released to change back into my jeans and t-shirt.
14. While sitting around and chatting I relearned something I knew when Xaden was born. His name is Xaden Ray. put it together and it's X-Ray. How cute.
15. I started to get a migraine, what do I do? I didn't want to ruin the evening and leave. I didn't want to sleep and miss hang out time. So, I did the next best thing, I drank a Pepsi. I know, I don't really like it but it did the trick. It kept my migraine at bay for the entire evening and it didn't hit until we crashed at Tina's. How blessed was that?
16. We finally meet. I met David's boyfriend, Cory and Danial's boyfriend, Maurice. They are fun, good looking, guys.
17. Mooch. A fun dice game where you try to get to 10,000 points, mooch off of other's points and win the money. You try to get 3 of a kind for that many hundred points, example 3 two's would be 200 points. Ones are worth one hundred and fives are worth fifty. You roll and save and roll remaining dice as long as each roll adds to your points. You can stop any time to keep the points or keep going. If you keep going and a roll does not give you any points, then you lose it all. It is so fun to play with a large group of people.
18. Kung Fu distraction. While playing Mooch, Kung Fu Panda and the cartoon furious five played. One of my favorite movies and the cartoon was one I had never seen before. It was a distraction but fun to enjoy at the same time.
19. Marcus! After fun and games the night was still young. We wanted some one on one time without the huge group of family, friends and acquaintances and whoever. A nice small group of friends just kicking it at a nice apartment. Oh and did I mention guitar hero and domino's? Yea, it was great.
20. One thing I've known but still constantly surprises me is that I can be in a room filled with the smoke of 420 but if I am in a large space with only one cigarette my lungs close up. Hmmm...how strange is that.
21. Body Art: Cory, David's boyfriend, has a tattoo all along both arms and his chest and stomach. It's not some shoddy, half done tattoo's. No. This is a work of art. It looks like a masterpiece painting rolled out. He has a phoenix on his stomach with the feathers up and around. Amazing. I felt jealous.
22. Driving. So I enjoyed being the driver for the trip back. I loved the peace of the early morning night, the empty road and the exhausted unconscious people in the car. The only part was not becoming a unconscious person myself. Well I was awake and we got home alive and safe. What an awesome weekend. So awesome Tina and I didn't get up till close to 11am, now that is insane.
2. Sodoku is the devil incarnate. Life was good and we were all hanging out, tina, kelley and I, and then I saw a game that I was invited to. I got on and it was horrible. I couldn't find anything and I refused help and ruined the fun of hanging out. That is why I prefer to avoid applications.
3. All dressed up and no place to go. Since I ruined our evening, or at least put a sad close to what would have already been the end of the evening. Tina and I were in the car. Tina really wanted to go out and have fun. I wanted to as well but was exhausted from not having much sleep for the week. We texted and called people but no one was available. So of course we went to Tina's house played skippo and watched Psych. Fun but not going to the club like Tina had been hoping. I'll try to be more prepared for the next weekend, it's just been a while since we've been in a "let's go do something fun mood".
4. Oh what a beautiful morning. Well maybe not quite beautiful, it was more overcast and ordinary. We were preparing to leave for a fun bbq and party but then got called to clean house. There were supposed to be some family/friends coming to visit Tina's parents. Mopping, vacuuming and other such. (Tina was working and I was attempting to watch Psych with the sounds of vacuum in the background. She was soooo inconsiderate while I was lazily waiting for Tina to finish.) I would like to say that I did shake out the carpets in the backyard. Then buying plastic for the tablecloth and going to Sally's Beauty Shop for the first time.
5. Money, money, everywhere...but not in my pocket. So I saw the amazing wax kit that Tina has (slightly smaller kit) that was an amazing price. If I had the money it would have been worth it. I'll say that once you wax you never want to shave again....it's just not worth it.
6. Out on the road. Gathering the address, maps, gps and getting to Amy's house (Tina's sister). We gather Marianne, Xaden and the van. The cool thing about the van is the hidy hole in the middle. A place to keep belongings (or dead bodies...dum dum dum....) It made the ride more enjoyable to have leg room and imaginative thoughts of what to do with a hidy hole in the center of a van.
7. On the road again. First we stop to pick up Ben, then we can all be ready to leave....except, there was a pit stop. Safeway! Buy some sandwiches and drinks. ummm.....drinks? How frustrating it is to find that every single cooler in the store is out of water. The clerks and such said that they haven't restocked yet. Then we try to find Funyan's. What store decides to no longer sell funyans. Oh, wait! There was a large bag of flaming hot funyans. No can do, but wait again. A value bag that contains funyans and fire hot cheetos. Sigh, can't win 'em all.
8. Asian or white. So according to Ben's hypothosis there is something about Asian's and Funyuns and Toyota's. He also thinks there is something about white's and boats, and RV's. My guess on the funyuns is that they are similar to and have a similar consistancy to some other foods that asians eat all the time. That is just my guess, as to the boats, I got nothing. So the question is...I love Funyuns and Toyota is my fav car of choice. I also love all phillipino foods I've tried, which is unusual for a white person. So what am I?
9. And so we arrive. I was worried about being an outcast. I'm not one of the Demesa girls and so only knew the twins through Tina. I did hang out with them but it was a long time ago. I entered a little self conscious. I smiled and hung back. After a few hours I realized that it was the same. We are friends and still friends. I'm so glad I got to see David and Daniel again.
10. A fish out of water. I have been going insane. All this year I have been wanting to swim since march when we had that first heat wave. I guess that's not all this year but whatever. That was the same time I decided it would be a good idea to cut half my hair off. Yes, I did do it myself and yes, it did look horrible. I think that the hairdo is a bit better now. So, as most people know, I don't do well with heat. Cutting off my hair is a drastic measure when I start to go crazy with delirium and heat. Because of the heat I have been yearning for a dip in the pool, lucky for me there happened to be a pool at the party. The sad thing would be that the one day I have access to a pool is the same day the sun decides to not be as hot and the same day that I am visiting friends I haven't seen in years. But a pool.......
11. A bruise, a crack, a break....breaking down. I couldn't take it anymore, staring at the clear crisp water and finally Tina was up for it. We just had to get in. We changed and jumped in full force. Ice water brushed over us like a frozen wave. We swam, shivered, chatted, twirled, relaxed and flipped our way to euphoric peace. Ah the joys of the water.
12. Then came the kids. Alex, this cute little 7 year old blond joined our party. She was fun and loved to swim as well. Xaden joined as well. Tina held Xaden and I spent time with Alex. We all had fun playing, splashing and laughing. Alex clung like a shivery little cat. She would not let me go. I told her that we needed to get out of the water, it's pretty cold. She told me that it wasn't cold hugging me. I must be pretty warm blooded.
13. Leaving the drenched paradise, Alex continued to cling to me. I carried her to a chair, sat down and had someone bring me a towel. She warmed up pretty quick as we cuddled. Then I tried to get up and change out of my wet suit but Alex continued to follow me and would not let me do anything. Instead we ended up playing catch with a tiny blow up ball she called her beach ball. We played a while until I was released to change back into my jeans and t-shirt.
14. While sitting around and chatting I relearned something I knew when Xaden was born. His name is Xaden Ray. put it together and it's X-Ray. How cute.
15. I started to get a migraine, what do I do? I didn't want to ruin the evening and leave. I didn't want to sleep and miss hang out time. So, I did the next best thing, I drank a Pepsi. I know, I don't really like it but it did the trick. It kept my migraine at bay for the entire evening and it didn't hit until we crashed at Tina's. How blessed was that?
16. We finally meet. I met David's boyfriend, Cory and Danial's boyfriend, Maurice. They are fun, good looking, guys.
17. Mooch. A fun dice game where you try to get to 10,000 points, mooch off of other's points and win the money. You try to get 3 of a kind for that many hundred points, example 3 two's would be 200 points. Ones are worth one hundred and fives are worth fifty. You roll and save and roll remaining dice as long as each roll adds to your points. You can stop any time to keep the points or keep going. If you keep going and a roll does not give you any points, then you lose it all. It is so fun to play with a large group of people.
18. Kung Fu distraction. While playing Mooch, Kung Fu Panda and the cartoon furious five played. One of my favorite movies and the cartoon was one I had never seen before. It was a distraction but fun to enjoy at the same time.
19. Marcus! After fun and games the night was still young. We wanted some one on one time without the huge group of family, friends and acquaintances and whoever. A nice small group of friends just kicking it at a nice apartment. Oh and did I mention guitar hero and domino's? Yea, it was great.
20. One thing I've known but still constantly surprises me is that I can be in a room filled with the smoke of 420 but if I am in a large space with only one cigarette my lungs close up. Hmmm...how strange is that.
21. Body Art: Cory, David's boyfriend, has a tattoo all along both arms and his chest and stomach. It's not some shoddy, half done tattoo's. No. This is a work of art. It looks like a masterpiece painting rolled out. He has a phoenix on his stomach with the feathers up and around. Amazing. I felt jealous.
22. Driving. So I enjoyed being the driver for the trip back. I loved the peace of the early morning night, the empty road and the exhausted unconscious people in the car. The only part was not becoming a unconscious person myself. Well I was awake and we got home alive and safe. What an awesome weekend. So awesome Tina and I didn't get up till close to 11am, now that is insane.
10 June 2009
I believe I can...draw
It's amazing! I can't believe I never had this revelation before. Not only can I write, but I can draw. Now hold on a second....it's not prize winning pieces or anything, at least not yet. I also can not draw realistically, but that is ok because I have a unique style. So I practiced in my art 1 class and strove for an A. All I got out of all that hard work was a pat on the head and a B. Or is that all??????
Of course not, I gained confidence. I gained a new view on the world. I look at things and envision their beauty in many ways besides just the outward appearance or just the appearance we have been raised to admire. I'm talking about an inner beauty and story to every thing living and non, animate and inanimate.
Then I took it a step further. I have this bag I bought from fanime con. It's the most amazing bag ever. On the bag is a picture of "Black Cat" from the anime series. I have been admiring the picture and wanting to give it a try. Well just a few days ago I broke down and gave it a shot. It took me an hour and a half but I did it and I did a pretty good job. The next day I sketched Jimmy Kudo's head from "Case Closed" (another anime series). That only took me 20 min or less and also turned out really well.
I would like to say that it was the confidence of the art class and my new found self that brought me to this point. Maybe that is part of it, but, it was the dream. What dream? you may ask. There is no dream like this in your dream blog. No, no there is not. This wasn't a full on dream that could easily be recorded in a story of insanity and confusion. No, this was just an image.
I had a dream, one that I failed to record and soon forgot. At the end of the dream was Jad's face. He was looking up, he was in anime form. There were sparkles in his eyes and a glow about his face. The hair was to die for gorgeous. The face turned profile and gazed up at the sky. Where the diamond on his forehead was a horn shimmered and began to be apparent. Then the image changed to (Toby? I haven't gotten the name yet for Jad's eldest son who inherits his powers when he's dead.) That's all I remember.
I wonder if this particular story would be better told as a manga? I don't know but it will certainly inspire me to start writing again, at least I hope so. I would love to get back into my story writing and maybe actually publish something this time. We shall see, I keep talking big but never follow through. Only time will tell.
No matter what I will try to stop getting down on myself. I will do my best to gain confidence and self esteem. I wish to be the happy, beautiful and amazing person I have created in my story. To be "Marie" or "Blade Dragon", even though the story itself is not real. ...!!!!
Of course not, I gained confidence. I gained a new view on the world. I look at things and envision their beauty in many ways besides just the outward appearance or just the appearance we have been raised to admire. I'm talking about an inner beauty and story to every thing living and non, animate and inanimate.
Then I took it a step further. I have this bag I bought from fanime con. It's the most amazing bag ever. On the bag is a picture of "Black Cat" from the anime series. I have been admiring the picture and wanting to give it a try. Well just a few days ago I broke down and gave it a shot. It took me an hour and a half but I did it and I did a pretty good job. The next day I sketched Jimmy Kudo's head from "Case Closed" (another anime series). That only took me 20 min or less and also turned out really well.
I would like to say that it was the confidence of the art class and my new found self that brought me to this point. Maybe that is part of it, but, it was the dream. What dream? you may ask. There is no dream like this in your dream blog. No, no there is not. This wasn't a full on dream that could easily be recorded in a story of insanity and confusion. No, this was just an image.
I had a dream, one that I failed to record and soon forgot. At the end of the dream was Jad's face. He was looking up, he was in anime form. There were sparkles in his eyes and a glow about his face. The hair was to die for gorgeous. The face turned profile and gazed up at the sky. Where the diamond on his forehead was a horn shimmered and began to be apparent. Then the image changed to (Toby? I haven't gotten the name yet for Jad's eldest son who inherits his powers when he's dead.) That's all I remember.
I wonder if this particular story would be better told as a manga? I don't know but it will certainly inspire me to start writing again, at least I hope so. I would love to get back into my story writing and maybe actually publish something this time. We shall see, I keep talking big but never follow through. Only time will tell.
No matter what I will try to stop getting down on myself. I will do my best to gain confidence and self esteem. I wish to be the happy, beautiful and amazing person I have created in my story. To be "Marie" or "Blade Dragon", even though the story itself is not real. ...!!!!
09 June 2009
A place for me and only me
Piece of mind, peace of heart. So much happens and yet so little does. I feel at loss, lost in the woods. I swim the ocean but there is no air. The pain inside, it comes and goes. I blame you, I blame me, I blame no one, for no one is to blame. Sadness, sometimes. Happiness, sometimes. Bitterness, maybe a little but it hides in the ground near the core of the earth. Pain, sometimes. Tears, sometimes. Freedom, definitely for without our emotions there is no true freedom. I am alone, I am surrounded. Life surprises, life is predicted. You bring light. You bring dark. I think of you often and not at all. I want my spirit to fly alone and free. I want my spirit to fly with him, but he doesn't exist. It's to late for him to exist. My world it crumbles, piece by piece. I lived there for so long, it has become me. My flesh it tears, wounds open, blood leaks out. I cry inside. I cry for my life, for my death, for my world that will never be again. It's too late now, too late to come here. It's too late to beg, to bring me home. I have no home. My mind is an empty shell filled with falsehoods and fantasies that tumble into space. I can start again. I can join your world, the world I had forsaken all those years ago. I can live as you live, but in the end it is still a fantasy. There is no truth, there is no peace, there is only today. There is only this time, beyond that is infinity. A world unknown, a new place to explore. I long for the new world, free from reality, free from pain and disability. I long for a place to belong, to be included, to be wanted. Now I find that it may exist. You have shown me a new light. A door has been opened, a door that shows possibilities. Now I venture out into the great unknown to find if this is really a place for me, a place like the one I left behind only real.
02 June 2009
Plans
Yea, so things have been crazy and I've planned on posting. I really have. I just get busy and well......there really is no excuse. I love to write, but I am not good with deadlines or journalism type stuff. I do stories, I make up things. I do not sit around and pratter on about myself and my life for posts on end. Ok, so I do sometimes, because people tell me that they read them and because it is important to keep some type of a journal on a regular basis. Although I think that whole journal thing is supposed to be a place to keep spiritual experiances and private stuff as well, which you can't really put online. Well, you could but I think that would ruin the whole idea.
Anyways, life is busy, finals are over, fanime was fun and now it is time to figure what to do with my life. I need to get some more picures to post up so that my blog is not just filled with boring words all the time.
Finals are over!!!!!! Finals are over!!!!!! Finals are over!!!!!! Finals are over!!!!!! Finals are over!!!!!! Finals are over!!!!!! Finals are over!!!!!! Now I can breath, even though I don't know my grades yet.
I lost my job. Yea, I know, but it's all good. I don't have a car for one thing and I think this was going to end up happening in the long run anyways. Situations just sped up the process. I think it's for the best because working as a Nanny was a step backword on my progression ladder. I can still see the kids and plan to give them their gifts tomorrow! I'll see if I can borrow Steven II's camera for that, it would be the best to have the pics as memories. I'm glad things worked out for the best and that no relationships were ruined in the process.
I have a lot of work to do in my room and in my life, so much cleaning. Ack!! I plan on getting rid of a lot of useless things as well, that would help unclutter my life, I just own too much stuff and it suffocates me mentally, spiritually and physically. Things are just things, I just need useful stuff and books and sewing, clothes to wear and important documents kept safe and boardgames and my medacine.....whew even with the needs that is a lot of stuff......aaaaaccccckkkkk!!!!!!!!
Anyways, life is busy, finals are over, fanime was fun and now it is time to figure what to do with my life. I need to get some more picures to post up so that my blog is not just filled with boring words all the time.
Finals are over!!!!!! Finals are over!!!!!! Finals are over!!!!!! Finals are over!!!!!! Finals are over!!!!!! Finals are over!!!!!! Finals are over!!!!!! Now I can breath, even though I don't know my grades yet.
I lost my job. Yea, I know, but it's all good. I don't have a car for one thing and I think this was going to end up happening in the long run anyways. Situations just sped up the process. I think it's for the best because working as a Nanny was a step backword on my progression ladder. I can still see the kids and plan to give them their gifts tomorrow! I'll see if I can borrow Steven II's camera for that, it would be the best to have the pics as memories. I'm glad things worked out for the best and that no relationships were ruined in the process.
I have a lot of work to do in my room and in my life, so much cleaning. Ack!! I plan on getting rid of a lot of useless things as well, that would help unclutter my life, I just own too much stuff and it suffocates me mentally, spiritually and physically. Things are just things, I just need useful stuff and books and sewing, clothes to wear and important documents kept safe and boardgames and my medacine.....whew even with the needs that is a lot of stuff......aaaaaccccckkkkk!!!!!!!!
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