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Back online, though the quality can not be guaranteed yet, it may start out as random ramblings until I get a system up again.

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24 June 2009

A new obsession

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me. When I actually open up to people, even my best friend, they just don't get how my mind works. It doesn't make sense to anyone, least of all me.

One of my biggest problems is obsession. I get caught in an obsession and It's all I can focus on. I do anything I can to fulfill the obsession. It is to the point of making me late for important things, annoying other people and keeping me from accomplishing anything else.

I've been told that this is part of my chemical imbalance. I believe I already mentioned it in this blog but I have been diagnosed with minor bi-polar disorder. The good thing is that I'm not completely crazy....whew. The bad thing is these obsessions.

With the help of counseling and a small dose of medication I have been able to control my condition a little more. Such as the ability to tell when an obsession is coming on. I can see the signs and feel the drive. I have recently avoided such an obsession, at least I hope so. It's hard to tell this early in the game.

So you read this and say, "Whats so bad about that? You could get obsessed with something and accomplish so much." If only that were true. The first thing is that I can not control what my next obsession will be so on the plus side it could be cleaning my room, which means I wouldn't be able to really eat, sleep or stop until it was done. The bad thing would be if it was a book, tv, facebook or a person. I just can't stop.

The good thing with things that can be finished is that I usually don't stop till it's finished. Although if those things take a long period of time to finish I may lose the obsession before it's done and move on to the next thing. That leads to the other downside of the obsessions. There is a certain period of time where I am caught in these desires and then all of a sudden one day it drops/fizzles out. I no longer obsess over that one thing/person. This is really bad with a person because I all of a sudden stop talking to them, messaging them or hanging out with them for no reason. I also usually stop talking and hanging out with most other people as well. It's like I become a hermit or something and then I catch another obsession and I'm off and running again.

It's insane! Can't I just focus on life like everyone else? Or, at least, could I have one or two predictable cumpulsions? It would be nice to know what I am going to do or say from day to day. Sometimes I wake up and see what I have done or written and ask myself, "when did that happen?" or "What made me say that?" I make no sense to myself but for sure, I would never put anyone through this. It's too annoying and frustrating. I would probably lose friends.

And so, with my new ability to notice the obsessions before they hit full force; I can hopefully stop them before it becomes a problem. I hope. This is one of my first attempts. My first attempt was sucessful one time; but the obsession hit again a few weeks later and I failed. We shall see how this works.

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