Threes?

So a friend told me that things come in three's.  First my games and electronic items were stolen, on top of a number of expensive games that belong to a friend of mine.  That was an expensive and hard lesson to learn.  Then my car window was shot out, luckily nobody was injured and it was only one window.  I also have the help of a fabulous man, Sean, who has been comforting me and helping me through this.  Now its the misunderstandings and anger of two people close to me.  Both find their problems in their life to be MY fault and have decided to lay it all out on me.  I can't take this.  I don't understand why I have to find ways to make my life work on my own.  How come it's my own fault if I don't sign up for classes and miss deadlines and now it's my fault if you miss the deadlines yourself?  How come I have to go to counselors and use the help that the school offers but then I get yelled at when I don't help you at the drop of a hat.  You claim hardship to the collage so that you can receive financial aide and then expect everyone to hold your hand and walk you to your classes.  Wake up and take some responsibility.  It's not my fault and it's not your parents fault.  Even if your parents feel the same way and wish to lay the blame on me as well.  I don't have to take the blame.  I've taken the blame for so many things all of my life, I don't need to do it any more.  The problem is, it hurts my heart and still deep inside I feel like it's my fault.  Will that feeling ever go away?  Will a day come when I can wake up and realize that if the world exploded tomorrow, that it would not be my fault?  Can I ever find a way to stop taking everyone else's problems on as my own?  It is a whole lot of unnecessary stress that I don't need.  Living here is a lot of unnecessary stress that I don't need.  Am I capable of getting out or am I still too needy to be able to make it on my own.  Or, is this simply me running away from my problems.  It would be nice to move to Alaska and have a fresh start.  If only things were that easy.

Time to play Ketchup

So this is a blog to say: "Yes, I am alive. I have not forgotten my blog. I will be posting soon"

I have 4 blogs already written and ready to be typed up, I will date them as best as I can remember, since I forgot to put the dates on the paper I wrote them on. The reason I am typing this instead of simply posting the blogs is the fact that it is almost one in the morning and I have school tomorrow. Not that I'm all that tired but I should at least try to sleep.

Tomorrow I have time, after typing up a paper for my Filipino class, Catching up on 3 chapters of Biology, and Doing a chapter section of homework for statistics. I still have my statistics lab and another two chapters of biology but those will be for Tuesday. I also still have to set up a tour with East Bay Collage, call the temp agency to see if any jobs have come in for the week and get my brother to fill up my tank of gas in my car. Oh yea, and polish up my story to enter into a writing contest.

Crazy stuff but it will all be worth it. So tomorrow the four mystery blogs will appear ranging from early September to about a week ago. Maybe a fifth one for this weekend, we'll see.

Dinners

I'm trying to upload pictures with the new blogging format and it keeps failing.  If I can get it to work I will add pictures here.  So at the time I took these pictures I had started making dinners for my family on Sundays.

I made Stuffed Bell Peppers with fruit and cottage cheese and cinnimon rolls for desert on the first night.  It turned out really well.  I could use a little more practice on the cinnimon rolls though because they were a bit doughy and not quite right.

I then ventured to making a chicken pot pie from scratch and that turned out really delicious.  My presentation was lacking though, which is usually the case, but the food was great.  This is another dish I would like to practice more to get it right.

I then made a baked chicken salad with special cheese crumbles and olives.  It was a little too strong I think I need a lighter flavor of olives or a different dressing to go with it but I loved it.  The zing of flavors was just what my mouth wanted.

I have since made ginger beef stir-fry, chicken and rice and other delicious foods.  I love cooking but I'm not so fond of doing the dishes afterwords.  It has been a fun adventure.  I also made a strawberry pie with Sean and that was really good.  Strawberries are one of my most favorite fruits.

I gotta brand new boyfriend

Well, by the time I'm typing this up, not all that true, but at the time I wrote this, which was September 25th, this statement was very true. And so, the old entry newly typed:

I am walking on air, I can't believe that he wants to be "official". I never expected it to happen. I went in with the understanding that we would comfort each other and give companionship and then something better would come along and he would be gone. Yea, that's my self-esteem talking and even now I'm not sure if this is going to last. I just don't see myself being his type. I know one day he will either get tired of me or find an amazingly beautiful woman that he will want to spend the rest of his life with and I will be an after thought. That doesn't matter to me, I'm happy now. I can't believe that there is a man out there who would even remotely be interested in me, even if it is simply physical / lustful urges. I hope though, that no matter what, we can stay friends even after he leaves. Not to sound pessimistic but in the end, everyone leaves. That's just the way of life. It is good to know that someone, somewhere out there actually thinks I'm pretty enough to be seen in public with me as my boyfriend. I expected to always be alone and I know that when this is over I will go back to being alone but I will ride this as far as it will go. I now know a small taste of what it is like to be happy and to feel like I may actually be worth something. There may be a reason for my existence. I know that's bad but I don't always feel positive when it comes to that. A lot of times I feel like somehow a mistake slipped through the cracks of God's floor, but it's a little different now. I just feel like that song, except for the fact that I wasn't dumped by a previous boyfriend but I was depressed and then, "I gotta brand new boyfriend..." and things seem to be looking up...

(So as of now, December, I don't feel the same. My view on life is not quite so depressing and that's good.)

What brings joy?

How can the gospel be the thing that brings us the MOST joy?
I've had the gospel in my heart all of my life. I have done all that was asked, to the best of my abilities. I gave all I could, expecting nothing. It wasn't until recently that I have felt the MOST joy and sorry to say, I am not living the gospel as I should. I have felt joy while in the church. I do not discount the truthfulness or happiness that comes from the gospel of Jesus Christ. I can not imagine my life without my Heavenly Father included. At some point I do have a strong desire to reincorporate the gospel in my life but I am not ready yet.

At church one of the leaders said "Depression comes from not following the Lord." This I do not agree with. I am not following the Lord completely now and yet my depression is at a minimum. I have gone in and out of serious depression for much of my life and during those times I was following the Lord, sometimes to the extent of exactness. I do believe that aspects of the gospel can alleviate depression but I do not think it is a direct sign of not following the Lord. Listening to the Lord can give you greater blessings, but life is not black and white, cut and dry. Wicked have evil horrible lives and righteous have joyful good lives.

Another comment that actually had me pretty upset was this one. "You may not get second chances in the times that we live now." I wasn't the only one either. I will not ever believe that a loving Heavenly Father will have a time in which He chooses to leave us in sorrow. We make a bad choice and want to turn our lives around, there is always room for repentance.

Leaning on the Lord's Justice is a hindrance. The adversaries most valuable tool is in causing us to discount mercy and feel that we are worthless and unsaveable. Everyone is of worth and the laws of mercy apply to us all no matter how much worse we feel our lives or decisions are than others. We all willingly commit sin, to different degrees, and still the laws of mercy apply. There is always a way and that way is through our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Are you emotionally and socially in balance? How about spiritually? (this is a good question to ask yourself every once in a while.

We all make mistakes. It's what we do after the mistake that's important.


These are simply some thoughts that came into my mind from church last Sunday.

Traveling with my brother

Traveling with my brother is always an adventure. We have so much fun. This week had a few interesting moments. First off, I was driving him to SF to talk to the judge about his DUI. On the way we stopped at the toll booth to pay our toll. It was an Indian guy about 5'9", I would guess, black hair and beard. (not the native american indian but the India indian). He asked if we were together and Steven laughs, "No! She's my sister!!!"

"Does she have a boyfriend?" (talking past me as if I didn't exist. By the way whenever anyone asks if I have a boyfriend my automatic response is yes. I don't need to have strange guys coming on to me as if I was available for them.)

I say, "yes." Steven says, "No." laughing and shaking his head in a way that is unique to my brother.

"So she's available to marry..."

I blurt out "No" but the guy acted as if I had said nothing.

"I could hook you up if you let me have her."

Steven smiled, "Really..." and before he could respond about what girl he would be getting the guy continued.

"I can get you a house. A nice paid for house."

Steven continued on his thought program, "...you can hook me up with a hot chick?"

"For you, I'll throw in a girl."

At this point I drove off, smiled and waved goodbye. My brother thought this was the greatest and is now taking bids from people he runs into, to see who has the best offer.

If that wasn't interesting enough, we have had a number of people either ask or act like Steven and I are dating. Ack!!! My brother?! Although at Travis we were messing around a bit and I quoted a line from Scrubs "Is that a roll or quarters or are you just happy to see me." As I quoted I put my arms around his waist and an army dude was walking by and smirking.

Steven didn't want the guy to get the wrong idea, "No dude! It's ok. She's my sister." Good thing he thought better of it and didn't actually say that to the dude.

10 year reunion

I did not plan, expect, to have fun at my High School Reunion. I hear a lot of bad things about these types of events. I also don't really remember many of the people I wen to highschool with. Part of it is simply my own, Amy, memory problems. Even Tina was making fun of me about it by the end of the day, completely baffled about how much I had forgotten.

It started out the way I expected. Standing off to the side, smiling and watching everyone meeting up and chatting and reminiscing with each other. Tina grabbed a couple drinks, I had a couple lemonades and then some snacks. A few people came up to talk to us. Apparently nobody would've recognized us unless we were together. That's what they kept saying, "I recognized you and then I saw you two together and knew that must be Aurora and Amy..." and other such like that. We are one entity with two bodies....at least that's how it sounded. Pretty funny.

Tina continued to hint about wanting to go out on the dance floor but not wanting to be the one in front, leading. I'm not so good with hints but I did eventually get it and told her that I would do anything for her, she just needed to ask. So I swallowed my introversy and uncomfortable feelings around crowds and walked out onto the dance floor as if I belonged.

I have no idea what came over me. I've been to many dances before. I've also been out clubbing a few times with Melanie or Tina. But this, this was different for some reason. I just relaxed and danced. It is the first time I ever remember (no, wait the second time. There was one church dance a few months ago), being comfortable and not worrying about what others were thinking. I simply had fun and danced.

After the first 30 minutes my side and legs were hurting. I was ready to walk off of the dance floor when a couple songs I really liked played back to back. Then I sort of forgot about the muscle cramps and stayed. Turns out we were dancing pretty much non-stop for at least 3 hours. We did take a 2 minute break when the music cut out and had technical difficulties,in which we stood outside and enjoyed the view of the golf course at night. We did also take a few second break to grab drinks but we were still dancing while getting the drinks and while drinking them, so I don't know if that counts as a break.

I can't believe I enjoyed myself so much. I know Tina had a lot of fun as well. I also can't believe how many people remembered me or how many people came up to me to tell me how beautiful I was. Talk about a self-esteem boost. I felt like the most gorgeous girl in the room with all of that attention.

It took so long for the adrenalin rush to wear down but I think I can sleep now. I know I'll be sore in the morning but the good kind that means you worked out and had fun.

No institute?

I have enjoyed going to institute the past few weeks and last week I wasn't going to have my usual ride. I thought, "that's ok, I have lots of work and studying to do. I can stay home and do that instead." Well that thought didn't last long before I felt a strong pull inside myself and a yearning in my spirit. I wanted to go back to institute. This semester we are starting a study of the Book of Mormon. So I called for a ride, not too hard to do, Jason Valentine was more than willing to pick me up. We were in the van, goofing off and figuring out what type of bread we were. Kirsty then came up with an interesting question. "What is the difference between muffins and cake. You're not supposed to have cake for breakfast but are muffins any better?" This was a long conversation in which Jason came up with another question, "What is the difference between Lumpia and Eggrolls?" As we pulled into the parking lot it had been decided that the only way to know would be to run a series of tests, i.e. cooking a lot and tasting. Entering the building I began to get excited, until I noticed that the teacher was nowhere to be found. This confused me but I went with it. As with the beginning of any semester, we all had to introduce ourselves and then say one interesting thing. Being the oddball that I am I told everyone that I love to write stories. That led to the question of "short stories?" to which I had to reply "no, novels and novelettes." Sometimes I wish I could keep my big mouth shut, what a nerd. Actually I have tried short stories and find myself inept, I haven't gotten down that style of writing yet. After the introductions pieces of paper were passed around for everyone to fill out and enroll for the class. Then the new book of mormon manuals were passed out, they are four times at least, the size of the old one. To my surprise a small spiritual thought was given, the book of mormon challenge announced and the closing prayer said. I sat there for a couple minutes, while everyone else was chatting and eating fudge. 'what happened?' I wondered. Even now, looking back, I feel the disappointment and a small empty feeling in my chest. "This too will pass..." A small group of us did go to Kyle's house and watch an episode of "the office" and eat spaghetti, that was delicious. Well, as far as institute goes...there's always next week.

A Weekend and A Day

The YSA Conference was fun. Saturday was introducing the topics, listening to Steve Young (that was pretty cool) lunch, speed dating and workshops. Yea, I said speed dating. Never done anything like that and I found it quite pointless but interesting. I was told that part of the problem was the lack of structure and the fact that you talk for three min to each person and never see each other again. I actually didn't mind that part since the guys I talked to weren't all that interested in talking to me in the first place. I get that a lot, but it is still fun to have a captive audience for 3 min and they have to pay attention and ask questions and such. My favorite part is when one of the guys had rotated to me, he stood there and I just stared and smiled. I'm good with silence, most people aren't and find it awkward. He looked around and then back at me and then introduced himself. I made him take charge and he didn't like it, oh well. (maybe that's why I have troubles getting dates...etc...) The workshops were monotonous and boring in a drawling sort of way. Although I did learn about keeping commitments and free agency and such. I did have one workshop that was amazing. He was a professional magician and he did a few tricks during his talk/discussion. At first I thought it was just cheesy, simple tricks, but he did save the best for last. It was a card trick that illustrated that no matter what, the blessings God has promised are with us, always, even when we can't see them or when we don't know they are there. Dinner was amazing mexican, the diced chicken was the best (the salsa too spicy but there was a green sauce that was heaven. Then I selfishly went to the game hall and set up a tough puzzle. It felt good to know how many people stopped in to see me and help me with the puzzle, even grumbling but of their own free will. I did have a few regulars and we had it done right as the dance started. The dance room was crowded, like sardines and I wondered a bit, danced for two min with a few friends and was all too happy when Joan wanted to take off early. Freedom! We stayed with the Savage's, they were so nice and hospitable. Sister Savage even made a cinnamon roll, pull apart bread loaf. yum.

Sunday we had eggs, cinnamon rolls, milk and ran out the door. It was interesting to see them pass the sacrament to nearly 2,000 people. Sunday was, of course, more spiritual. Although I did enjoy sacrament meeting more than the relief society talks. One of the sisters did talk about wanting a new car and not buying it because it was over spending, unnecessary and overindulging. I do agree that America teaches us to be wasteful, gotta have it now, people. It's good to simplify your life and find joys in the small blessings, nature and even quiet bliss. Although I wonder if I might have had a more hand slapping moment if I had been in priesthood, until I heard that the speakers just hinted and beat around the bush but never came right out and said their topic straightforward. This left many of the priesthood puzzled. Lunch was potato bar....yum sour cream and bacon...oh and a salad. Someones feelings were hurt and when I left with that person, just to get away from the crowd not a pity thing, that person was cruel to my face. I was so sad, felt alone and just went off on my own. I grabbed my food and ate alone and as I was upset and down on myself I remembered what some of my friends have told me about how people will be the way they are and that I can't take all of the pains upon myself, that just throws me into depression. So I prayed and thought things through and let it go. I allowed myself to be mad at another person. After the fireside I even told that person so. I felt heartless and yet good at the same time. After talking with Joan and then Monica, I realized that it's all ok. The fireside was L. Tom Perry. I don't really remember the talk but I do remember leaving the crowded theater, through a hall and down some stairs to a little cuby where I could hear the whole talk. I laid down and stared at the ceiling and enjoyed the spirit. It felt wonderful.

Then to add to it I went to institute tonight. I do love hearing from Brother Celyia. He started with a question, "What is the relationship between the body and the spirit?"

I like deep and thought provoking questions. He then went on to talk about how the body is a house for the spirit, a temple and a protection. How the body and the spirit together make the soul. That the body symbolizes the Natural Man or an instrument of the Natural World and that the spirit symbolizes communication with God. Then how the body should be submissive to a governing spirit. And how the war between the desires of the body and the spirit is a good thing.

From this came the topics of proper sleep, word of wisdom, proper exercise and such. It was a nice lesson with some food for thought but not the only answer to the deep question that was originally brought forth. "What is the relationship between the body and the spirit?" The world may never know...(ha ha, ok, so I just had to through that little commercial bit in there.)

I did have some questions and hard things with...well I guess it wasn't with the lesson since the topic I was talking with the Lord had nothing to do with the lesson. Sometimes you can be reading a scripture, listening to a spiritual speaker, studying a topic with friends and then something completely different pops into your head. You end up talking with the Lord about something off topic and yet that can become one of the best and most memorable conversations.

Depression vs a Broken Heart and Movies

After careful consideration, and the fact that I have lost all but one sticky note, this is the winner for my next blog post. This is a subject that I have been mulling over in my mind for some time now, months actually. What is the difference between serious depression and a broken heart.

At first I didn't find there to be much of a difference between the two. Observing people, watching movies, reading books and such. It just hit a button, my curiosity button.

Now I know what depression feels like. I used to go through serious roller-coasters of emotions, though I happen to be more stable now. I do still go through bouts of depression. I know what that feels like. It's similar to ripping out your soul, tearing it to shreds, stomping on it a few times and then throwing it back in your body.

It was then that I decided that I needed to experience what a broken heart felt like. I became determined to "fall in love" to trust someone completely, to open my heart, mind and soul. It turns out that love isn't something that you just decide to do one day, go figure.

Well that fell through, as it has for years. Yes, I have made this decision before and yes each time I expect a different result.

As time has passed, I have found the answer, or at least some semblance of one.

Depression throws a person deep into a never ending abyss. A person is unable to function, refuses to eat usually or eats too much, is attracted to sweets, either watches too much TV, plays too many video games or is online for hours on end doing absolutely nothing. This also leads to random bouts of crying or pain. Many times this leads to "why me" or suicidal thoughts. There is no desire to do anything and the person will lay in bed for long periods of time.

Many of these symptoms are true for the broken heart. The biggest difference that I can find is that with a broken heart there is an object/person that is the main focus. There is a sharp pain to the heart or stomach when a memory is triggered.

I don't know what I decided to write this. It was something I think about off and on, I guess you could say it's one of my obsessions. Experience life, the good and the bad. I don't know if it's some sick, sadistic way of satisfying curiosity or if it's because it really doesn't matter.

Well, I can't just end on that note. I'd like to find that I still have friends, and living friends too, by the time I come back from the YSA Conference. I saw the movie "Funny People" and I found it to be hilarious. I don't know if I'd recommend it to certain of my friends but I loved it. It wasn't just random jokes to get a laugh either, there was a pretty good storyline.

Although the movie I am most stoked to see is "2012" I love action, disaster movies and I don't know why. In order of favorite types of movies I'd have to put:
1) Comedy
2) Disaster/Action
3) Anime

Least favorite types:
1) Horror
2) Drama
3) Same story that's been told the same way before with no new interesting factor.

The religious stuff

This is a compilation of a few different experiences. First of all, while still struggling with many questions, religions as a whole and my own issues I decided to start reading the Book of Mormon again. I first started by reading random scriptures. It helped me sleep better at night and would give me something to think about. Then, after talking to a friend, I realized that a goal needed to be set. I decided to start reading the Book of Mormon backwards. Well not completely but by book, starting with Moroni, then Ether, etc...While reading this scripture caught my eye:

In Moroni 7... "Wherefore a man being evil cannot do that which is good; neither will he give a good gift...a man being a servant of the devil cannot follow Christ; and if he follow Christ he cannot be a servant of the devil...Wherefore take heed, my beloved brethren, that ye do not judge that which is evil to be of God, or that which is good and of God to be of the devil."

I took this to be that even if a person believes they are not on the right path. If a person struggles with certain commandments or teachings, it's ok. Not everyone is going to get it right the first time. Not everyone will make the same choices or in the same order. If we give good gifts then we can not be a servant of the devil. Then we are not turned away from Christ.

Then a couple weeks later I was talked into going to Church on Sunday. Basically I had run out of excuses and I did know it was where I was supposed to be. While sitting in sacrament meeting and listening to the amazing talks I wrote this in my Bible:

It is easy to become complacent. To follow the religious practices of the church. Come every Sunday, fulfill your calling perfectly, visit the less active members, share the gospel with others and even praying and reading the scriptures. You can do all of this. You can feel the spirit in your life and still be missing something. It is hard to explain what it is you may be missing, but it is something necessary for true happiness. Then one day you become overwhelmed and bursting like an explosion you fall to pieces. It takes time to pick up all the pieces. One piece at a time and still you are missing something. Each piece is precious, each piece brings you closer to the prospect of happiness. but each piece is still just a small piece. They don't fit the same and the puzzle has changed. You begin to read the Book of Mormon, knowing that it is the word of God. Then you pray that the Lord can give you strength and answers. That very night you have a dream. a dream where there is no question. A dream that is precious and held close to your heart, solidifying that Jesus is our Savior and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is true. Then you come back to church a little, once, and talk to your friends. That is where you find some of what you are missing. It takes time to integrate back into all of the teachings, guidelines and responsibilities of the Church with out becoming overwhelmed again and having to start all over. I am glad that the Lord makes burdens light but still allows us the freedom to experience those burdens. It is hard but He is there. This happened to me but through the Lord weak things can be made strong.

Then in Sunday School I began thinking about where I was going with my life. I thought of my friends and some of our conversations. I thought of the impression i was leaving with even my closest circles of friends and even those I haven't seen or heard from in , what? , 3 months (maybe an exaggeration). I also thought about the discussion about the priesthood that we were having. I then thought of my friends in the ward and I wrote this on a little random card.

I will not be the one to lead you...you will make your own decisions. I will make my own decisions. I will not be the catalyst that leads you to fall back from where you would one day like to be.

I was then going for a walk, one of my long excursions, and thought about myself. Where was I going? What was I doing with the gifts and knowledge that God has given me? Who was I helping? How was my spirituality doing? I then chatted with the Lord (I do this often though on my mission I did it on an hourly basis or maybe even minute...or any spare moment? I don't know, something like that. Now it's more of an off and on thing but I think it's still relatively daily, just not as in depth as it was on the walk.) The Lord answered me:

It is important to be in the church, to live the standards, to fulfill callings, to partake in temple blessings, to share the gospel, to do genealogy, to go to activities, to go to church, to listen to the lessons, to do all these things and more. But, the thing that is more important is your free agency. If you do all these things, even if it is with a willing heart, because you were told to then you have followed the plan of the adversary. Live your life and follow your standards. The most important thing is that you incorporate the Lord in all your dealings and with in your life. If it so be that you choose to do the things which have been asked, then blessed be the day. And, if it so be that you do not choose all of these things but only a part, blessed be the day. For if you follow Christ, you do not follow the adversary even if you are not quite where you should be, or where you may one day desire to be.

No matter what, these things are a great comfort to me. I just needed to write this down for my own benefit. And, we shall see how the whole, read the BOM backwords is going to work or if I end up getting stuck at 2nd nephi. Or maybe I'll get stuck in Ether instead? Who knows.

Catching up and a story

Wow, there are many things I have thought about in the past while to post in this next blog. I have been insanely going about and doing things for everybody, cleaning, cooking, running around, picking up stuff etc...before I realized it time was passing. I have thought about my IHop experience, my experience at church the sunday before last, My recent experiences in reading the book of mormon, my workout goals and Monk. That is too much for one blog and I don't know if I have the energy or time for that many blogs so I will summarize most and then set up another blog for the spiritual part.

So from last to first...Monk starts on friday and I'm going to a YSA conference, I will have to record it and not watch it when it is first aired. oh well, as long as I get to see it, I'm not that big of a fanatic I just like the show.

I have gotten back into DDR. After two mornings in a row doing DDR my legs felt like they would fall off. I then decided to alternate. Wii fit and ddr. I did my strength exercise day the day before helping someone move. haha, my arms and shoulder were already overworked when I did the exercises. That means it has been a while since I've worked out, I shouldn't have been that sore. Well now I feel great, I just need a job so I can afford to go and get a massage but I always need one so that is really nothing different. Doing the alternating thing has really been a benefit and not as harsh on my system, although I still can feel how out of shape and such that I am. I don't mind being out of shape, I just want to be capable of doing things with out running out of breath and with out only watching tv all day. I want to alternate. sometimes zone out on movies and marathons and video games and sometimes go for long walks, hikes, swimming and who knows what else. I'm not all that big on dances but I love ddr in the privacy of my own home.

Ihop is just something I'm posting because someone I talked to was interested in the story so I figured I'd post the shortened version. Grandma, Kelley and I were going somewhere and decided to stop for breakfast first. We went to Ihop and yes we did go to the one by costco in vallejo so I guess it is our fault as well knowing they already have a bad reputation and also that most times when I go there something goes wrong. This time there were 3 waitresses, a hostess and a party of 22. We walked in the hostess yelled out to one waitress to see if she could take us and she yelled back that she couldn't. Then another waitress yelled that she could and we were seated. We were promptly ignored for nearly 10 min before Kelley went to hunt down a waitress to bring my grandma some decaff coffee. The hostess comes 5 min later hastily pouring a cup when I ask that it's decaff she glares at me and says it isn't and then walks off. another 10 min pass before we get the coffee. Then our order is taken. We are brought waters and then promptly ignored for the next 45 minutes. Then the waitress stops by and says it will be a bit longer and is gone before I could even ask for more water. Our food comes and mine is covered in the sweet syrup that I asked to not have because of my sugar problem. She takes it away. We finish our food and then ask about my pancakes which then come in 3min. We get the bill and grandma complains to the manager. He tells her his sob story about why things are the way they are and about the economy and everything and doesn't even give her a senior discount let alone the cup of coffee free to smooth it over. He demands full price. Suffice to say, we will not be going there again.

A dry Sponge

A dry sponge is one that is always needing moisture, always needing something. I am like that sponge. There are times that I try to be other than I am but my nature is what it is. The good thing is that my obsessive nature is lost on most people and internal for the most part. The bad thing is that so much mental space is taken up trying to obsess over so many different things. It is actually quite exhausting.

My biggest obsession is...oh wait, this blog isn't about obsessions. There I go losing track. This is about being a sponge that always takes. I guess that would make me a very needy person. I can't be told, oh lets see, for example: "you're beautiful". If I'm told that once then I feel beautiful that once and then it goes away. To stick I would have to hear it all the time. Now I'm not saying that is what I have problems with (that would be too personal) actually I have been working on that one and have gotten a lot better, I no longer feel super ugly which is good.

This is no good because that puts pressure on anyone I spend time with to constantly be catering and putting their attention on me. Actually that kinda creeps me out too. So it's a lose / lose situation.

Someone I talked to said that if you don't get something as a kid that is necessary for sanity / survival, then you will be constantly be needing it as an adult. The sad thing is, I don't want to be needy. I want to be like everyone else in that aspect. To be able to live in society. To walk in the park and not worry about what I am doing wrong or what others are thinking or anything like that. To go to the store and only worry about what is needed at the store. You can wish for something but that doesn't make it true.

So in the end that creates me....a sponge. I know it must be exhausting for those of my friends who spend more than a few hours with me. They know. There are times that people need a break from me. Actually there are times I need a break from the world as well. I am working on it, on being more open, being more human. But that is what we are here on this earth to do. To work on our imperfections and be the best people we can be.

Of Bee's and Tissues

Thing's I learned over the past 5 days:

First - Bees like to collect water from swimming pools, at least LA bees do. They don't like going for the water puddles splashed over the side. Instead they go right into the middle and hover as close as they can. Maybe it's for the adventure or for the life and death experience. Whatever the reason, some of the bees do not make it out alive. Their wings get wet and then they are stuck in the water. I went to the hotel pool to swim, there was a bee struggling in the water. I used my sandal and the bee clung to the end, then carried the insect to the flowers out of the way of any running feet or children that may happen to come by. There was also a seemingly dead one that I scooped into the flowers as well. I must have saved 3 bees and possibly 5, if the others lived. No good deed goes unpunished. I went to swim during the heat of the day and a hornet flew by, dive bombing me. I was in the center of the pool and ducked underwater as fast as possible. The hornet would come, collect water and then leave but if it saw me it would zoom down as if it was trying to attack. Lucky for me I made it out unscathed but my peaceful relaxing alone time swim was ruined.

Second - My grandfather was a very frugal man. He could make anything last longer than it should while still being in good working order. He cared about recycling and reusing things. Then he had a stroke and now has a form of dementia. I recently learned from my father that when grandpa first came to live with us, he would reuse tissues. Yes, that's right, using the same tissue over and over again. After using a tissue he would lay it out to dry and then use it again when he needed to blow his nose. This is very unsanitary and at first my father would just throw away the tissue but has since taught my grandfather to simply toss the tissue away when done with it. I found this pretty funny, especially since he doesn't do it anymore.

The other minor things I learned were: I can survive without internet, I need to get my typing done, I guess some romance books aren't all that bad, It's ok to not have seen the movie that everyone else has already seen, Nobody likes it as cold as I do so I have to learn how to adapt, Sometimes a dream is better left forgotten, The blue mountain dew is the best flavor but does not stop a migraine as good as the original flavor, hand sanitizer is a must to prevent allergies, Crowd phobia is not good when being packed in the center of two others in a back seat, Sometimes it's ok to be a little vain when nobody knows and I need some alone time for a bit or just one or two others but no big group things, not right now.

It was a wonderful trip to LA. Got to see a number of places where my parents grew up and where my grandparent's spent much of their lives. I got to hear some great stories and take a few good pictures. The heat was unbearable, I am so glad I do not live there. The hotel was nice and offered a decent complimentary breakfast in the mornings and it was good to have a pool to swim in whenever I wanted. I did miss having my own computer and realized how much I need to focus on typing all my ideas and writings. I met some old friends of my grandfather's and even went to a fun bbq. I saw the coolest dragon timer for games, but someone bought it before I did and it was gone. I enjoyed hearing my grandpa's stories and telling me about the places he'd been too. No one else really understood him and so I either just talked with him or translated when he was trying to talk to others. I had a great time and I know he did too. We also bought a pineapple watermelon, it's really tasty. I never knew you could combine the two.

Exhaustion, will I ever learn

This past couple weeks has been a time of exhaustion. I have cleaned house, trashed stuff and did whatever I could to help my Grandma's stay be an enjoyable one. I love her dearly but have been worn to the bone now. The killer was last weekend when I painted my grandpa's room by myself (I did have help from one of my greatest friends, Kelley, who stupidly came and helped even though she was recently out of surgery. She did a fantastic job painting the trim and the ceiling.) Then we went to visit my sister in crescent city and last night came back in. I unpacked and put away my stuff and my Grandma's, made sure she had her med's and such. Then I receive a phone call that some of my friends were meeting at Stephen Hare's house to swim. I was hot, tired and worn out. A good swim was just what I needed.

Yes, I went. At 10:45 at night I went over to a swim party expecting it to be relaxing. It was a little bit but not near as much as swimming alone in the pool. It was cold enough that everyone ended up in the hot tub. The problem was that every time I left for the solitary of the pool there was always someone who followed with the same idea. There goes relaxing.

Got home at 2:30am and checked facebook real quick. I haven't been online since last Thursday, other than to post a pic here or there, but I didn't really check much else or comment on much else, until last night and now today. I can still feel the exhaustion, and there's a dance that everyone wants me to go to. I don't know if I can make it (unless I drink some mountain dew lol, but then I'll be in the same boat tomorrow, just in time to leave to LA with my grandparent's and my parents for their vacation.)

The other think I've been thinking about is how much I need to get my writing done and how much time facebook and blogging take. I may decide to limit my blog to once a week or something like that. There is a quote that I heard from a writer at a convention that said something like, "If you wish to make writing a career then you do not write for free unless it is for experience on a resume."

I do wish to do more with my writing and the plans I had for my blog were more than just "this is what I did today" type stuff. Not anymore. I will write my blog just not every day. (not to mention, I will be with out access to a computer for 5 days when we leave for LA.....)

For want of adventure

So I have to take a step back from the posts I have already planned out because today was just too amazing to miss.

















Sometimes Kelley, Tina and I get tired of the same old, same old. We get this idea in our heads to just go for a drive. This was one of those days.
















Kelley's camera is amazing. It takes shots from a moving car going across the bridge on the freeway. Crazy. I took this picture and was pretty proud of myself for being able to catch it, even if it isn't the greatest focus. I think it looks pretty good.




















Driving on freeways until we saw an exit we liked, which then led to taking turns and such. We didn't use a map, there was no need too. It was fun to talk, relax and take pictures.

Pebble Beach

Well I finally posted the Pebble Beach pictures. It's from some, what is it? 15 mile drive? I don't remember, Kelley knows and if she corrects me I will edit this part. Many of these pictures are just breathtaking. I love it.

The Joys and Adventures of Walking

Since being without a car I have done a lot more walking. I used to walk everywhere until that fateful day when I acquired a license to drive. That was when I realized how much I enjoyed driving. I would speed like crazy, over 100 everywhere I went, except on residential roads. To this day I can't figure out how it took 10 months before my first speeding ticket.

Now that my car has been gone I have decided to get back in shape. I do DDR sometimes but walking is a way to get out of the house and feel the wind in my hair (although that gives me the afro look that I dislike.

I have found that walking to:
Jeremy's house is 2 hours and 15 minutes.
Stephen Hare's house from Jeremy's is 30 minutes.
Washington Mutual from my house is 4 hours round trip.
Walgreen's is 45 minutes.
Napa Valley College is 4 hours one way.
Raleys is 30 minutes.
Baskin Robbins is 15 minutes.
JJ's, the Asian Store, is 5 minutes.
Safeway and Starbucks are 20 minutes round trip.
Tina's is 40 minutes.
Kelley's is 2 minutes.
Walmart is 40 minutes.

I have yet to try:
The Library
Fairfield
Target/Sally's Beauty Shop/Costco/The Social Security Office
Taco Bell
Maritime Academy

It's been fun and interesting. I am getting better, the first walk I did I was already worn out after 30 minutes and don't know how I made the full 2 hour trip. It was hard and that was how I found out that I was really out of shape.

On these walks I meet interesting people. Some say hi, some wave, some will even chat a little and then there are those that ignore me completely. I enjoy some of the sites and it is nice to be alone with my thoughts for a change. I can really work through some problems with my stories and my life. That is also where I came up with so many different blog ideas. Ideas are not my problem. Buckling down and writing or mostly editing and polishing my work is the problem. I also have trouble with marketing.

Although, sometimes it is a curse to be alone with my thoughts for so long. I have made some decisions that I probably shouldn't have made. I have also let go of a lot of things. The good thing is that I no longer allow myself to be driven with the wind / go with the flow. The downside is that I may lose some friends and the approval of some people that I admire. That is a hard thing for me to accept. Hopefully I can begin to move forward instead of staying stagnant.

My Fourth of July (finally!!!)

It all started with being invited to be in the American Canyon 4th of July Parade. I have volunteered with the ACTS program that sends packages to troops overseas and my brother is in the service. He would have been invited too but he is in Virginia for training.

Getting up early (8am after staying up till 6am) I headed out. I am not very good with new people or with crowds, although it wasn't really crowded or anything. Everyone was with their vehicles. I stood by the one I would be riding with, admiring the Harley Davidson motorcycles that would be riding directly behind us. Oh, I love the bikes and these were nice ones. A number of them had decorations, flags, sparklies and such. A few of the guys had American flag hats or bandanna's. One had an Uncle Sam type American flag hat. One of them also had a Harley teddy bear on the back of his bike.

After a time I decided to get in the back of the truck (I can't remember what type of refurbished military vehicle I was in =( I sat there alone for a bit, watching everyone else socialize and get things ready for the parade. I finally decided to get off my little corner and get out there. I did and I met Shorty, Hal, Denise, Al and Dave. One girl and the rest guys. One thing I have noticed is that a Harley makes unattractive guys attractive and attractive guys downright sizzling. They did almost get kicked out of the parade because one of the guys in the back thought it would be a great idea to break formation and drive back and in a circle before coming back. I'm so glad that they weren't kicked out.

As we were getting ready to head out this cute guy walking by looks and me and smiles, "Hey, you're cute." He headed towards me when the truck started moving and he had to get out of the way. I just smiled and gave a small wave. He shook his head and smiled back. That has never happened to me before (except by guys 60yrs or older) and it was a big compliment and boost to my day. I was walking on clouds all day.

I have also decided that the way Denise goes camping/hiking is not a bad way to go. She stays at Hotels and then goes hiking around in different places. I like camping but it doesn't have to be in a tent to be fun.

Selfishness and the Church

Lately I have felt so selfish. It is a great conflict that I am not used to. I have always tried to put everyone else in my life first. I know that you can not please everyone all of the time, but it seemed to work for me. I did go through serious depression and such from time to time but I could always pick myself back up by doing something nice for someone else. I guess it's been eating me up inside, like a cancer, moving so slow that I didn't even know until I had a breakdown. I am better now, at least to some degree. The problem is that I am supposed to put myself first. I am supposed to focus on my life and where I want to be. I am supposed to create a future, which would be good so that I don't have to mooch off of all of my friends all of the time.

So I have stopped doing some things that were always second nature to me. I have let some things go that have appeared to be moving me forward but instead have been holding me back. Now I feel selfish to want to go to the store and buy good makeup and actually wear it. To dress more than nice to receive compliments. More than desiring those compliments but actively doing whatever I could to keep receiving those compliments. To be vain about my hair. To buy new clothes, and not just bargain Walmart or thrift store. To wake up a new person (still being me but just how I see myself and the world) and see each wonder in life, to find joy and newness and peace all around me. (Like Goku from Dragonball. He's always happy and his life is never complicated, unless he's saving the world)

So Kelley asked if I was going to church and I said sure. We went together, which was nice for some part and not so good for others. Sometimes I talk too much and give people too much power over me. It may be the masochism inside. I just put my foot in my mouth and share everything with out thoughts of consequences. (you know that is the problem with this blog too...lol, just thought of that)

So at church a few things came up that didn't quite make sense to me. First one of the leaders said that he could feel all of our strong Testimonies even if we didn't get up to share. Really? For some strange reason I thought that a testimony was dormant and only gained strength from sharing it. I don't understand how someone could feel the spirit of a testimony that hasn't been given. I do believe that he felt the spirit in the room though.

In one of the classes someone mentioned that we need to avoid the bad people in the world. I don't believe that there are bad people in the world. There are bad actions, bad intentions, bad results, bad ambitions and other such....BUT, I don't think there is a single bad person. Not even the most horrible people you can think of...I just don't feel it. Maybe it is naive to see good in every person I come in contact with but I wouldn't want it any other way.

I didn't even realize it was fast Sunday until it was announced that the time is given for everyone to share out Testimonies. I sat there listening to everyone and started wondering, What is my Testimony? What is my true testimony and not just what I say all the time? Not the rote missionary testimony or primary testimony or what I always say. Some of my friends have called or contacted me asking if I had lost my testimony or what-not. So I really thought about it and then started writing and this is what I came up with.

"I know that this church has the Spirit with in that testifies of the Truth. This church teaches good and right principles that encourage people to become better than they are. There is a great strength in the membership. The church is based on helping others - selfless service. It is guided not by men or by man's ideals but it is guided through study, prayer, revelation and through the spirit. I am grateful that this church is on the earth and for the light of Christ that shines with in and within the members. I pray that everyone can feel God's love and the blessings that are given each and every day. I love the Lord and all that He has done. I am grateful for my friends, family and life experiences, no regrets just learning lessons."

Hope this answers those who are worried about me. Don't be. The spirit is in my life and I am focusing on moving forward. I am focusing on doing the right thing and finding joy and happiness in my life. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and is guiding me and watching over me. The big relief is that I am finally finding out what I want and making my own decisions instead of just doing what I am told.

But, Still A Blog

Ok, I'm super tired but I already missed yesterday and I do not want to fall behind. I am trying to do a blog a day. The sad thing is that time wise this could cause problems. The good thing is that I will never run out of ideas. I already have 15 blog titles/possibilities that just need to be typed up. Ideas come a little too easy, it's taking the time to write once every day that is the problem.

That said, this blog is actually a cop out, since I am exhausted. Tomorrow I will post about the wonders of my Fourth of July and the sights and Harley's and people I encountered.

Other blogs coming soon to the "Dragon's Cave" include titles such as:

> Medical Advances never cease to amaze me
> Imagine you're sexy
> You're just too nice
> The Joys and Adventures of Walking
> Guy's don't like Needy Girls
> Depression vs a Broken Heart
> The sponge that only takes
> Pebble Beach (another photo set of a fun trip with kelley and tina)

Some restrictions may vary and titles could be subject to change or removal.

Sandra Bullock: only for those who care

(Technically this is yesterdays post, but certain events prevented me from being available to post from my computer...no this post is not about that =P...)

Before I get into the meat of this post or should I say, the debate, I would like to put a small plug for the movie "The Proposal" I believe that the character chemistry was amazing, the acting well done and the storyline well written. A good romantic comedy to lighten up any day.

That said I feel that this would be where you either stop reading or continue just out of curiosity. If you complain for having wasted the 5 minutes it takes to read this than it is your own fault. As a heads up I have made a small disclamer:

> If you do not like Sandra Bullock you will not want to read any further.

> If you do not like Romantic Comedies, you will not want to read any further.

> If you did not like either the movie "The Lake House" or "Premonition", you will not want to read any further.

> If you have not seen either movie, you will not want to read any further as this post will include spoilers.

> If you liked the ending of either movie, you will not want to read further.

> If you could care less about either movie than reading further will be excruciating torture to your body and soul.

> If you enjoyed both movies but found a slight mishap with the ending of both movies than you are probably "Tina" and would then read further. If you are in fact "Tina" and do read further you will still find this to be a waste of your time as we have already discussed and agreed upon the response.

The debate is simple. In the movie "Premonition" the guy dies. In the movie "The Lake House" the guy lives. The way these stories are written, this seems backwards. If you pay close attention to the storylines you will find that this is true. If you actually read this far and care about the subject but don't agree you are welcome to debate. Otherwise the decision stands that both are fantastic movies but the endings just happened to be mixed up.

Closed up Throat

The strangest thing happened to me today. I did my normal morning routine and what not. I put my muffin in the toaster, so that I would have toast for my breakfast. I then pulled it out at the perfect time. It was lightly toasted but still soft in the center. Then I buttered it, I love butter.

That was when I thought it would be fine if I had, just a little, bit of dad's homemade strawberry jam on one piece of toast. It was just a very thin, light layer, most would say there wasn't really jam on it. I took a bite and that was when it happened.

My throat closed up. No, it wasn't choking, I didn't breath in the toast and choke on it. I had chewed and swallowed just fine and then my throat just closed. I was able to cough twice before I was simply gasping and then, no air at all.

Nobody was around, my bro Steven, was in the other room and heard me cough but didn't think anything of it.

Instead of panicking (I never really panic until after the fact, isn't that odd) I grabbed a glass and from the closest sink I put just enough water to get a gulp.

That did the trick. Like magic, my throat opened and I could breath. Unlike when a person chokes, there was no pain or sore spot in the throat. I was back to normal. It was the oddest thing and after the fact, I was pretty scared of what could have happened.

I wonder what it was. An allergic reaction? Asthma? Fluke? Breathing in the jam but not the toast? Sugar? or something else in the jam?

I may never know. I tested it out, I know stupid me you'd think I'd learn but, I took another bite of the toast with jam and didn't have any problems. I did have a drink of water before taking a bite. Maybe the water counteracts what ever happened? Who knows, lets just say I'm not only happy to be alive but happy to breath.

Monterey Bay

A fun trip to remember. Great friends, good food and an adventurous atmosphere. Memories, inside jokes and lots of water type animals. What more can I say.

The Truth

If Christianity is true, then the Mormon religion is true. This I have always known. I feel the truthfulness of the gospel every day. I went on a mission for this Truth and did what I could to help better other people lives. I did service, teaching and simply being a friend. I pray for the people I have met along the way and keep them in my heart. I wish for every person on this earth to find joy and happiness. It breaks my heart to see so much sadness, destruction and depression. Good people, who live good lives suffer. I know it has always been this way, even when you read the scriptures you see so many people who have had to suffer while following God.

This is life, this is mortality. But, sometimes I wonder. There are so many rules on what is right and what is wrong. Life is laid out in a little black and white grid, but what if it is not all black and white? Some things in life it makes me wonder if it is really wrong or if some things labeled wrong just serve the purpose of making a person feel worthless, hopeless and down on themselves.

There is a true feeling to the Buddhist religion and to the Islam religion. They have good teachings as well. Christ taught many wonderful things. He was a very enlightened being and we want to be like him. We want to grow closer to our Father in Heaven. I know there is a loving God and that He created all things, but what if it is not through Christianity.

I have suffered from serious off and on depression....the question I have is why am I feeling better now? I stopped going to church a couple months ago and I haven't felt guilty or wrong. It's strange but the depression hits me less and less. I'm still following the teachings that I believe in...it's just...it's time to move forward in life. I finally feel like I can give this world a chance. If it doesn't work out I can get some job out in the middle of nowhere and live like a hermit and become a writer....that actually doesn't sound so bad. But, even so, I will give my best effort, we'll see how long I last.

work or school?

Sacramento? Really? No, not really. I am here for today and enjoying the pool and Kelley's airconditioned apartment. The weather is too hot but the water is marvelous.

The rent here is super cheap and the pool is like a resort. Sac state is just a few minutes away. There is also Davis and a few other schools I am looking at. The question is should I get a decent job and start trying to get my life in order and such or should I get school loans and go on to my bachelors.....I am leaning towards school but still haven't decided.

I plan to apply for the loans, schools and grants and see what happens. I may go for work or I may go for school, we shall see.

Weekend at Melanie's

No pictures to show for it but the weekend was fabulous.

First we left about 6:30 and got in to Mel's about 1am. The drive was interesting, we chatted for quite a bit then Tina fell asleep and my bro Steven read from a Steven Colbert book which was pretty funny.

At Melanie's we chatted with her and Paul for a bit, caught up and enjoyed each others company. Melanie had to work that morning so we let her go and decided to get some sleep. Paul made bacon and pancakes for breakfast....delish!

We visited Melanie at work and then went to the beach. Oh how fun to run in the water and feel the sun. The salt was getting to my skin while at the same time it was helping Tina's skin. (such the opposites) So we met Mel at her house and then went to the river. Now that's my place to be, swimming in melted snow run off during 80 degree weather. The Smith river is one of, if not, THE cleanest river in the U.S. No matter where you are you can see the bottom of the water while swimming.

After that relaxing day we showered and had a BBQ, yum! Being nerds we spent the rest of the evening watching anime and hanging out on 4 diff laptops on the internet. Sunday we did the same only we had 5 sets of internet up. It's such a blast though to hang out and just be ourselves.

Sunday brunch I was stupid, I thought 'Oh! Crepes are on special, I would love to have some.' only they didn't come with anything, it was just the crepes. Of course they are tasty but they are also jam packed with sugar which is a big no no for me. I ate two and realized it was not such a good idea. My group finished the other two off and I in turn finished off some of the left over salmon omelet, bacon and hash browns. Dinner was Chinese, very good. The best was watching the movie "Hangover", it was hilarious. That ended at 9pm, so it was time to bid good bye and head out on the road, myself being the driver which is the way I like it.

I, of course, had to get a X-large Mountain Dew from Taco Bell and then I was good to go. There was some tension at the begining of the trip, I was such a Jerk I don't know what came over me. Some times I can be such a _____. I know it wasn't all my fault, my bro has his pride streak that really rubs me the wrong way sometimes and he does not let things go. He even had the gall to offer to drive since I had to stop the car to collect my emotions so that I would be safer on the road. It wouldn't have been such a big deal but he is on a Restricted License due to his own driving issues, meaning he was not legal to drive. When I told him no he asked "What do you think I'm going to kill us?" To which he left the car and said he was going to camp out. Tina and I talked a bit, I wasn't upset with her I tried to be but when it comes to Tina I just melt and the upset feelings go away. This happens every time, even when I want to be upset or at least try to want to kill her or something. It just never works out that way.

The rest of the drive was pretty uneventful and relaxing. I enjoyed music while my passengers either slept or listened to their headphones. It was nice, there were hardly any other cars on the road and I wasn't a bit sleepy, that's probably why I can't sleep now. I'm hoping that blogging will help tire me out and let me get a couple hours sleep before the sun comes up to wake me for the day.

I love visiting Melanie, the hardest part is leaving. I would love to live along the coast in Northern California or parts of Oregon...nice weather and small towns, I love small towns. The only problem is getting a job, because they like to hire people who know people and who have been living there a while. The other problem is if I moved up there I would become a hermit, I would publish my books and enjoy a life of solitude and peace. Not that that is a bad thing, it's just when I pray about it, it doesn't feel like the right thing, at least not right now. I should still try to publish my books, just to see what happens, maybe.

Fanime 2009

So I finally put up my fanime pictures. So much fun. It is a wonderful weekend, I love seeing the costumes people come up with. Hopefully my costume will be done by next year and I can join in. My sister made the Innuyasha and Kagome costume that her and her boyfriend were wearing. She is a great seamstress. That was also the best Sailor Moon outfit I have ever seen!