World Record

I never thought I would ever beat a world record for anything. I know the paperwork is still going through but it looks like I may make it. I will have been a part of the 2,645 people gathered together at the pirates festival dressed like a pirate. If all the paperwork passes, we will have beaten both Oregon and the UK for the "Largest Gathering Of Pirates".

There were tv cameras, photographers and all kinds of stuff. A picture in the paper on Sunday morning, though I didn't make it in that one. Looks like only a few hundred or so were in the shot on the front page. There was singing and yelling and pretend drunkenness, sexy women holding up signs and a drawing for free prizes. The main prize, a trip for two on a boat with dinner, a scenery, and a private pirate band. Now that would have been beautiful and fun. They also gave away a medallion, a metal skull wall hang, a fuzzy tail and a bottle to carry your "rum" or any other drink.

Captain Jack Spareribs was there as well. He did a magic trick to stuff a beautiful lady in a basket. He then lit it on fire. Roasted marshmallows and jumped on the ashes. She, of course, appeared perfectly unharmed out of the basket.

The rest of the festival was enjoyable to walk around, look at things, play a game of "jenga" which is actually called Bandu. It is played with "LARGE" wood, which all the ladies prefer to the smaller wood of jenga. I am still the champion and I played with a few other people, though one drunken pirate was not a surprise that he lost.

There was an amazing metal dragon that I would have hung up in my room if I'd had the money. Although, if I'd had that kind of money I may have bought the sword instead. Or I would have bought this handmade pirate game or the dragon coasters or the dragon stand and letter opener, or the corset, or even the entire green and white outfit that was sooooo gorgeous. Okay, okay, I get the point. I don't enjoy window shopping and get very board, unless it's at a festival. I love talking to people about their wares, especially if they are the artist or creator of those wares and not simply selling something manufactured.

All in all, it was an eventful and memorable day. I even have a t-shirt on the way to say that I was a part of the guiness book of world record gathering of pirates for 2010. That comes after the paperwork is all done to prove it, in about 10 days.

Pains, Sores and Epidemics

I thought this post would be about Fanime Con, but it looks like that will have to be next time's post. Over the weekend something serious happened, actually a couple of serious things. I'm not going to go over detail and personal.

First: I can blame the shoes. I can blame my foot condition. I can blame being on my feet all day 5 days a week and then for an entire weekend. I can blame the amazing weapons classes I took at the convention (you'll have to wait for the fanime post to learn more about that one.) Whatever the case may be, my foot got beyond sore to the point of limping and moving like a zombie. I became the living dead, unable to move faster than a snails pace as all my friends passed me up to go here there and everywhere. Well, everyone except Steve, who was gentleman enough to hang out at my slow pace. This led me to realize that the shoes I have been wearing for the past couple months have been ruining my feet. Sure there may have been other factors, but I choose to blame the shoes. I have now bought a new pair of shoes that, even with my repairing feet, are comfortable and cause me to no longer limp everywhere I go. The only down side is that to be so comfortable, they make my feet look HUGE. ARGH!!!! I can't win!!! But hey, it's better to take care of your feet than to worry about looks. right???

Second: I contracted some type of throat infection. I don't know when or how I got it. There was nothing I did to get me sick. No one I hung out with or had close contact with. I wasn't out in the cold, wet and late at night. But, for some strange reason, possibly divine, my throat began to hurt. It started as a sore throat that came and went. I thought nothing of it. Simply took the usual precautions to prevent getting sick. The next day, about halfway through the day I was so wiped out and exhausted and my throat hurt so bad that I took a 4 hour nap. The day after that my throat was on fire. I was only able to eat half of my breakfast burrito, and that was because I made myself. All I wanted to do was sleep. Drinking water was even a chore. When I got home I laid down. Then got talked into hanging out for a bit at a friends house, which was way fun. I got a massage that alleviated my migraine for about 10 minutes and I got to enjoy a really good movie. We hung out for a bit after and it wasn't until I couldn't bear the pain any longer that I realized I had to leave. At home, my mom looked at my throat and gasped saying I needed to see a doctor and I probably had tonsillitis or something worse. Even though I now have medical, it's crappy and super expensive so I'd rather not use it unless I absolutely have to. I figured I'd wait it out a couple days. I took knock out medacine and slept for 4 hours and took knock out med's again to sleep another 4 hours. Then yesterday I received a priesthood blessing of faith, healing and guidance; through a couple Elders in my church. At the time I was beyond tears. I have a high tolerance for pain and I was crying like a baby wanting to die if it could only stop the pain. There was a wall of white cotton all over my tonsils, and back of my throat. It was red, pussy and super gross. After the blessing, it was amazing that I could talk again. I went home, thanked the Lord, read from His book and went to sleep. Half way through today I made a miraculous recovery. Now all I have is a simple sore throat.

The Lord works in mysterious ways. I know the Lord was telling me something with this and that it wasn't just an ordinary illness. I only hope that by now I have learned my lesson. I'd hate to see what new epidemic he'll come up with next.

FANIME

So, now that I'm finally better, for the most part, I'm back to blogging. That whole throat infection thing is still going on. When I do or think things I shouldn't it seems to flare up, and also in the early morning. Otherwise it lies dormant. Sheesh.

But, now I up to snuff enough to get back to blogging. Fanime was so much fun. I spent the weekend hanging with my my sis, her fiance and our mutual friend Steve. I learned how to fight with a long sword, bastard sword, at least 4 different forms of dagger fighting and archery. Although I didn't get to actually practice the archery since they didn't have a permit or insurance for that. I also took a women's self defense class.

In the market place I bought some nice chopsticks. Steve bought me a fanime t-shirt and a cookbook for my bento box. I hope to have the time to start cooking myself some cool lunches soon.

On Sunday it was super hot. Steve and I had some free time so we went out in search of a 7/11 type place that would have a "big gulp" type drink. We walked all over the place. Asked at every gas station. Nothing. Other than the fast food joints, there wasn't a place around that even sold fountain drinks. They looked at us like we were crazy. "We have bottles. We have cans. What would you need fountain for?" It was strange. It could have also been the "kitty" ears on my head that caused them to look at us like we were crazy. hmmmm. We did stop at Johnny Rockets and got a couple milkshakes, Steve bought mine to thank me for walking with him.

I was able to watch the latest episodes of a show called "One Piece". It's an amazingly hilarious anime about a boy who wants to become the pirate king and he eats this special devils fruit that causes his body to stretch like crazy. It's so much fun.

The costumes were fabulous. I saw characters from many of my favorite anime. There were also quite a few nintendo characters and final fantasy characters. The skits were so much better this year than they have been in the past two years. I tried posting some but it is true that they are better in person than as youtube video's.

Fanime is a magical place of anime shows, costumes, fun panels, stores, local artists and so much more. I had planned on taking this year off, but Steve bought my ticket. I am so glad I went this year.

The incredible whining dog strikes again

So, today is another personal experience to do with the dog, "Tiny", that I am watching. This, now white, dog, which of course needs another bath, is now causing more trouble. This can be expected from a poodle the size of a football. Small dogs just love yapping and being trouble. Although, as mentioned before, this dog does not yap. He whines.

Periodically I take this "adorable" [roll eyes] little pup to see his "mommy". (By pup, I mean a dog that is now about 16 years of age but still leaps around like a little puppy.) Well the first couple times he was real good and gave his "mommy" kisses and cuddled with her. Then came the fateful time that I dropped him off to visit while I ran errands. When I came to pick him up, he was more excited to see me and couldn't wait to get out the door. His "mom" didn't seem to notice that he wasn't even coming to say goodbye to her. I quickly picked him up and put him on her lap, before she could notice that he was only staring at me and waiting to leave.

A couple days later I took him back to see her. Secretly I was hoping that the last time was a fluke. Nope. This time was worse. When I came to pick him up his "mom" said that all he did was stare at the door and whine for me to come back, instead of visiting with her. WHAT?!?!

I already knew that he was more attached to me than anyone else watching him or here at the house. I knew that. But....she was his "mom" and he had spent most of his life with her...and...and...

I resolved that this would have to stop. I decided to give him less attention and keep my house more like a kennel. Already he is hooked up on a leash when inside the house. I take him out regularly to do his business and feed him in the morning. He doesn't even sleep with me or in my room. He sleeps with my grandma. I did everything I could to create a more business relationship, instead of being a surrogate mom.

Then a few days later, I took him back to see his "mom". When I came to pick him up...

It was the same thing. It doesn't matter what I do. Whether I try or don't try he has decided to attach himself to me. Grammy feeds him treats and gives him more attention and is there all the time. You'd think that would matter, but to Tiny, it doesn't. So, like it or not, the incredible whining dog now thinks he is MY incredible whining dog. Apparently that won’t change until he is able to go home for good. After a few days of being with his mother and not seeing me, which he won’t unless she needs a dog sitter for a day or so sometime in the not so near future, he will be reaclimated to his house and his "mother".

I sure hope so...

Fifty plus jobs

Now it's over 60 jobs and counting.  Such is the state of our economy.  I was going to say "I've applied for over 100 jobs..." but that would be an exaggeration.  Now after applying to over 60 jobs I have now had a job interview.  In a few days I'll find out if I am still looking or if I've got something.

I have since learned that Job fairs are teeming with people.  There was an "open application" time slot for applebee's in Napa and over 50 people showed up to apply and interview.  This is a harsh world we are living in and it is only getting more so. 

Any employer putting up a "now hiring" sign not only gets a pick of the litter, but they get responses within seconds.  The competition is now in those applying for jobs.  No longer to bosses have to worry about hiring the wrong person, there are hundreds waiting with applications and resume's already turned in.  There are lots of people struggling out there and my heart goes to them. 

The incredible Whining Dog

At times I will clean peoples houses, watch their kids and sometimes even care for their pets.  This is not really a financial venture, seeing as the people can't really afford more than a token payment for thanks.  But, it is enough when I am already doing nothing for the day.  Not to mention, helping people always gives me a good feeling, for some strange reason.

Well this is the tale of Tiny, a small poodle that I am caring for until his owner is able to do so.

When I received the dog he was a brown color with tufts of gray.  After I had him a week I bought some dog shampoo and gave him a bath.  now he is nearly all white.

The incredible thing about this dog is not the fact that he whines.  It's not because that whine is so high pitched it hurts the ears.  Or, the fact that his bark is just as high, causing you to want to cringe and escape the sound.  It is the fact that he doesn't stop.  He can do it all day and all night.  It doesn't matter.  He never gets tired.  Actually I saw him laying down, resting, and still whinning.

Of course he only whines when I am not there.  The problem is that I do need sleep, work and other things.  I can't just sit with him 24/7.  So, for the time being, I get to spend my days with the incredible whining dog.

He is a sweetheart, lovable, soft (after the bath), doesn't effect my allergies and such.  I can be patient with him, it's not his fault he's spoiled...!  I also take him for car rides which he really enjoys.

Fun on the road

This blog is in reminder of all the interesting things, crazy drivers and what not that is found on the road.  In a matter of a couple days I had enough experiences to fill many blogs, these are the highlights. 

First to start off on a good note I ran into two friendly cops on the same day.  One stopped to let me in when traffic was crazy.  At first I thought it was an alterior motive to more easily pull me over for something.  but it wasn't.  he smiled and waved later on when he passed me in the fast lane.  Then a different cop smiled and waved as I was getting out of my car in front of my house, it was the cop who had taken the report on my broken window a while back.  Then a day later I was out with my Grammy and she had me pull over next to a cop so she could tell him, "Thank you for what you do."  His mouth dropped open in shock and he didn't know what to say.

Of course there are the stupid or crazy drivers.  A truck decided to make a left turn across on coming traffic when the oncoming traffic was frighfully close.  As he moved I thought for sure he would get T-boned right in front of me.  It was close, a foot away from being hit by one car and an inch away from being hit by another car.  Stupid truck, a little patience and it wouldn't have been a life or death experience. 

Thoughts behind the reasoning of an agressive driver:  Once the driver takes their emotion to the next level, the adrenalin rush is too much.  They simply get worse.  Like a driver fighting like crazy to pass and get in front of another car, only to end up tailing a different car even though they have no intention of passing this second car.  They just ride the bumper.

How about a car that is getting off in the same spot where I am merging in.  It just comes over right next to me so I either get in an accident or slam my breaks.  After slamming my brakes there is no speed left to merge safely.  Having to wait for traffic to clear to merge.

Then there are the simple idiot drivers.  Not really hurting anything but doing things like this.  A truck that turns on it's left blinker so it can get over into the right lane, Across white solid lines as well.

And of course, I can't forget those really hungry individuals that just can't wait.  This car speeds up to get in front of me.  Weaves in and out of traffic, simply to make it to the Burger King drive thru 30 seconds faster than he would have.  Now that's what I call hungry.

In closing, I did find it interesting that in two days I saw both a Rhode Island liscence plate and a Florida.  (there were plenty of California, a few Oregon, some Utah and Arizona; but I see those all the time.)

It's Gavin!!!!!!!!

My sister, Crystal, just had her baby.  A healthy 8lb baby boy named Gavin Mark Vanzeveren.  He has a full head of blond hair.  Crystal is doing well and on the mend and will be returning home in a few days.  I can't wait to come and visit her.  I love her so much!!!!!!

I've forgotten how to fly

This is a post that I have been meaning to publish for (nearly two years? a year and a half? little over a year?) a really long time.  I have noticed that for me a really long time can be anywhere from a week to ten or more years back but it all feels like a really long time to me.  Go figure:

There are lots of things I have forgotten and not all of it is bad.  Actually the forgetting has made life a little different but because of the forgetting I can't remmeber how different.  Unless, I look at my journal entries.  Sometimes when I read my journal I wonder, "what was I thinking?" "How could I have believed that?" "Was I crazy?" "am I still crazy now?" "what is the truth and what is fiction?"

One of the things I had forgotten is how to fly.  I knew that feeling so well that I could feel the muscles on my back where wings could/should be.  I could close my eyes and feel the wind in my hair, feel my body floating, soaring, diving and flying.  I could feel the change in atmosphere as I tried to breath.  It was such a detailed vision I felt as if I had been able to fly in a previous life.  (of course the crazy part was that in that previous life I was a dragon but I'm not going to dwell too much on that part.)

Flying was second nature.  It was in my dreams.  It was in my daydreams.  It was one of my regular thoughts.  Then I gave all of that up for nearly two years.  I let it go.  I used my self control to stop the daydreams, stop the stories and stop the previous belief systems I held.  There are, I think, two times I faltered.  The first time I wrote down the ideas and story that came to my mind, sealed it up and locked it away.  I can't remember what I did the second time, but for the most part I did good. 

Coming home, I fell back into my dreams.  A part of me felt like I needed to let go but I didn't.  I couldn't.  This was my life, what would I be without my dreams?  Then a while ago (couple years? year?) I started seeking help.  I found people to talk to and they found different answers for me, that didn't really work.  I can't remember when it happend but I think it was pretty abrupt.  I think, one day, I simply woke up and had forgotten how to fly.  That was the first step.  I wrote many journal entries.  I tried to remember.  I tried to enter a world that I had created, but it didn't work.  I couldn't find the stories any more.

In reality, the stories were still there.  I still know the mechanics, the characters etc...but the reality is gone.  A part of me feels like I have fallen and shattered into a million pieces, the good thing is that the pieces are still all there.  Now I sit here and piece by piece, put the puzzle back together.  I'm glad I like puzzles so much.  So it all started with forgetting one thing, one very important part and that was 'how to fly'.  But that is the beginning of a new world and the chance to become a better person.

(now if I can just fulfill my goal and try to publish these darn stories lol)

New Year

So many people have made resolutions for the new year.  I have never done this, to my knowledge.  I have always lived in the moment and never really planned for the future.  Some of that can be blamed on a chemical imbalance, some can be blamed on laziness and some can be blamed on bad luck.

I have been unstable for too many years and I have hated myself for that time.  I have imperfections that affect others and when they point them out I hate myself even more.  This is a pattern I have followed and when someone hates who they are they don't have the willpower to change.  So I stayed in this cycle of self loathing until I broke, snapped right in two.  I left everything I had been holding on to behind and decided to leave and go a completely different direction.  This to would have been self destructive if I hadn't met someone who gave me a reason to change, who made me feel like maybe I had a small piece of worth that was worth saving.  I feel like this person has stabilized me to some extent but still I have trouble making up my mind and going all "skitzo".  One day it's ok and the next I'm opposite.

For the new year I would like:
*to have a part time job (to achieve this I have been applying to at least one job every day)
*to find out where I stand religiously (to achieve this I am going to church, praying and reading scriptures)
*to clear out my debts (I have already made a plan and a part time job would clear all my debts in a year)
*to enter all my handwritten stories into my computer.

So, even though resolutions are selfish and all about me, I know that nothing will change unless a plan is made, goals are set up and daily goals are followed.

Threes?

So a friend told me that things come in three's.  First my games and electronic items were stolen, on top of a number of expensive games that belong to a friend of mine.  That was an expensive and hard lesson to learn.  Then my car window was shot out, luckily nobody was injured and it was only one window.  I also have the help of a fabulous man, Sean, who has been comforting me and helping me through this.  Now its the misunderstandings and anger of two people close to me.  Both find their problems in their life to be MY fault and have decided to lay it all out on me.  I can't take this.  I don't understand why I have to find ways to make my life work on my own.  How come it's my own fault if I don't sign up for classes and miss deadlines and now it's my fault if you miss the deadlines yourself?  How come I have to go to counselors and use the help that the school offers but then I get yelled at when I don't help you at the drop of a hat.  You claim hardship to the collage so that you can receive financial aide and then expect everyone to hold your hand and walk you to your classes.  Wake up and take some responsibility.  It's not my fault and it's not your parents fault.  Even if your parents feel the same way and wish to lay the blame on me as well.  I don't have to take the blame.  I've taken the blame for so many things all of my life, I don't need to do it any more.  The problem is, it hurts my heart and still deep inside I feel like it's my fault.  Will that feeling ever go away?  Will a day come when I can wake up and realize that if the world exploded tomorrow, that it would not be my fault?  Can I ever find a way to stop taking everyone else's problems on as my own?  It is a whole lot of unnecessary stress that I don't need.  Living here is a lot of unnecessary stress that I don't need.  Am I capable of getting out or am I still too needy to be able to make it on my own.  Or, is this simply me running away from my problems.  It would be nice to move to Alaska and have a fresh start.  If only things were that easy.

Dinners

I'm trying to upload pictures with the new blogging format and it keeps failing.  If I can get it to work I will add pictures here.  So at the time I took these pictures I had started making dinners for my family on Sundays.

I made Stuffed Bell Peppers with fruit and cottage cheese and cinnimon rolls for desert on the first night.  It turned out really well.  I could use a little more practice on the cinnimon rolls though because they were a bit doughy and not quite right.

I then ventured to making a chicken pot pie from scratch and that turned out really delicious.  My presentation was lacking though, which is usually the case, but the food was great.  This is another dish I would like to practice more to get it right.

I then made a baked chicken salad with special cheese crumbles and olives.  It was a little too strong I think I need a lighter flavor of olives or a different dressing to go with it but I loved it.  The zing of flavors was just what my mouth wanted.

I have since made ginger beef stir-fry, chicken and rice and other delicious foods.  I love cooking but I'm not so fond of doing the dishes afterwords.  It has been a fun adventure.  I also made a strawberry pie with Sean and that was really good.  Strawberries are one of my most favorite fruits.

I gotta brand new boyfriend

Well, by the time I'm typing this up, not all that true, but at the time I wrote this, which was September 25th, this statement was very true. And so, the old entry newly typed:

I am walking on air, I can't believe that he wants to be "official". I never expected it to happen. I went in with the understanding that we would comfort each other and give companionship and then something better would come along and he would be gone. Yea, that's my self-esteem talking and even now I'm not sure if this is going to last. I just don't see myself being his type. I know one day he will either get tired of me or find an amazingly beautiful woman that he will want to spend the rest of his life with and I will be an after thought. That doesn't matter to me, I'm happy now. I can't believe that there is a man out there who would even remotely be interested in me, even if it is simply physical / lustful urges. I hope though, that no matter what, we can stay friends even after he leaves. Not to sound pessimistic but in the end, everyone leaves. That's just the way of life. It is good to know that someone, somewhere out there actually thinks I'm pretty enough to be seen in public with me as my boyfriend. I expected to always be alone and I know that when this is over I will go back to being alone but I will ride this as far as it will go. I now know a small taste of what it is like to be happy and to feel like I may actually be worth something. There may be a reason for my existence. I know that's bad but I don't always feel positive when it comes to that. A lot of times I feel like somehow a mistake slipped through the cracks of God's floor, but it's a little different now. I just feel like that song, except for the fact that I wasn't dumped by a previous boyfriend but I was depressed and then, "I gotta brand new boyfriend..." and things seem to be looking up...

(So as of now, December, I don't feel the same. My view on life is not quite so depressing and that's good.)

Traveling with my brother

Traveling with my brother is always an adventure. We have so much fun. This week had a few interesting moments. First off, I was driving him to SF to talk to the judge about his DUI. On the way we stopped at the toll booth to pay our toll. It was an Indian guy about 5'9", I would guess, black hair and beard. (not the native american indian but the India indian). He asked if we were together and Steven laughs, "No! She's my sister!!!"

"Does she have a boyfriend?" (talking past me as if I didn't exist. By the way whenever anyone asks if I have a boyfriend my automatic response is yes. I don't need to have strange guys coming on to me as if I was available for them.)

I say, "yes." Steven says, "No." laughing and shaking his head in a way that is unique to my brother.

"So she's available to marry..."

I blurt out "No" but the guy acted as if I had said nothing.

"I could hook you up if you let me have her."

Steven smiled, "Really..." and before he could respond about what girl he would be getting the guy continued.

"I can get you a house. A nice paid for house."

Steven continued on his thought program, "...you can hook me up with a hot chick?"

"For you, I'll throw in a girl."

At this point I drove off, smiled and waved goodbye. My brother thought this was the greatest and is now taking bids from people he runs into, to see who has the best offer.

If that wasn't interesting enough, we have had a number of people either ask or act like Steven and I are dating. Ack!!! My brother?! Although at Travis we were messing around a bit and I quoted a line from Scrubs "Is that a roll or quarters or are you just happy to see me." As I quoted I put my arms around his waist and an army dude was walking by and smirking.

Steven didn't want the guy to get the wrong idea, "No dude! It's ok. She's my sister." Good thing he thought better of it and didn't actually say that to the dude.

10 year reunion

I did not plan, expect, to have fun at my High School Reunion. I hear a lot of bad things about these types of events. I also don't really remember many of the people I wen to highschool with. Part of it is simply my own, Amy, memory problems. Even Tina was making fun of me about it by the end of the day, completely baffled about how much I had forgotten.

It started out the way I expected. Standing off to the side, smiling and watching everyone meeting up and chatting and reminiscing with each other. Tina grabbed a couple drinks, I had a couple lemonades and then some snacks. A few people came up to talk to us. Apparently nobody would've recognized us unless we were together. That's what they kept saying, "I recognized you and then I saw you two together and knew that must be Aurora and Amy..." and other such like that. We are one entity with two bodies....at least that's how it sounded. Pretty funny.

Tina continued to hint about wanting to go out on the dance floor but not wanting to be the one in front, leading. I'm not so good with hints but I did eventually get it and told her that I would do anything for her, she just needed to ask. So I swallowed my introversy and uncomfortable feelings around crowds and walked out onto the dance floor as if I belonged.

I have no idea what came over me. I've been to many dances before. I've also been out clubbing a few times with Melanie or Tina. But this, this was different for some reason. I just relaxed and danced. It is the first time I ever remember (no, wait the second time. There was one church dance a few months ago), being comfortable and not worrying about what others were thinking. I simply had fun and danced.

After the first 30 minutes my side and legs were hurting. I was ready to walk off of the dance floor when a couple songs I really liked played back to back. Then I sort of forgot about the muscle cramps and stayed. Turns out we were dancing pretty much non-stop for at least 3 hours. We did take a 2 minute break when the music cut out and had technical difficulties,in which we stood outside and enjoyed the view of the golf course at night. We did also take a few second break to grab drinks but we were still dancing while getting the drinks and while drinking them, so I don't know if that counts as a break.

I can't believe I enjoyed myself so much. I know Tina had a lot of fun as well. I also can't believe how many people remembered me or how many people came up to me to tell me how beautiful I was. Talk about a self-esteem boost. I felt like the most gorgeous girl in the room with all of that attention.

It took so long for the adrenalin rush to wear down but I think I can sleep now. I know I'll be sore in the morning but the good kind that means you worked out and had fun.

Depression vs a Broken Heart and Movies

After careful consideration, and the fact that I have lost all but one sticky note, this is the winner for my next blog post. This is a subject that I have been mulling over in my mind for some time now, months actually. What is the difference between serious depression and a broken heart.

At first I didn't find there to be much of a difference between the two. Observing people, watching movies, reading books and such. It just hit a button, my curiosity button.

Now I know what depression feels like. I used to go through serious roller-coasters of emotions, though I happen to be more stable now. I do still go through bouts of depression. I know what that feels like. It's similar to ripping out your soul, tearing it to shreds, stomping on it a few times and then throwing it back in your body.

It was then that I decided that I needed to experience what a broken heart felt like. I became determined to "fall in love" to trust someone completely, to open my heart, mind and soul. It turns out that love isn't something that you just decide to do one day, go figure.

Well that fell through, as it has for years. Yes, I have made this decision before and yes each time I expect a different result.

As time has passed, I have found the answer, or at least some semblance of one.

Depression throws a person deep into a never ending abyss. A person is unable to function, refuses to eat usually or eats too much, is attracted to sweets, either watches too much TV, plays too many video games or is online for hours on end doing absolutely nothing. This also leads to random bouts of crying or pain. Many times this leads to "why me" or suicidal thoughts. There is no desire to do anything and the person will lay in bed for long periods of time.

Many of these symptoms are true for the broken heart. The biggest difference that I can find is that with a broken heart there is an object/person that is the main focus. There is a sharp pain to the heart or stomach when a memory is triggered.

I don't know what I decided to write this. It was something I think about off and on, I guess you could say it's one of my obsessions. Experience life, the good and the bad. I don't know if it's some sick, sadistic way of satisfying curiosity or if it's because it really doesn't matter.

Well, I can't just end on that note. I'd like to find that I still have friends, and living friends too, by the time I come back from the YSA Conference. I saw the movie "Funny People" and I found it to be hilarious. I don't know if I'd recommend it to certain of my friends but I loved it. It wasn't just random jokes to get a laugh either, there was a pretty good storyline.

Although the movie I am most stoked to see is "2012" I love action, disaster movies and I don't know why. In order of favorite types of movies I'd have to put:
1) Comedy
2) Disaster/Action
3) Anime

Least favorite types:
1) Horror
2) Drama
3) Same story that's been told the same way before with no new interesting factor.

Catching up and a story

Wow, there are many things I have thought about in the past while to post in this next blog. I have been insanely going about and doing things for everybody, cleaning, cooking, running around, picking up stuff etc...before I realized it time was passing. I have thought about my IHop experience, my experience at church the sunday before last, My recent experiences in reading the book of mormon, my workout goals and Monk. That is too much for one blog and I don't know if I have the energy or time for that many blogs so I will summarize most and then set up another blog for the spiritual part.

So from last to first...Monk starts on friday and I'm going to a YSA conference, I will have to record it and not watch it when it is first aired. oh well, as long as I get to see it, I'm not that big of a fanatic I just like the show.

I have gotten back into DDR. After two mornings in a row doing DDR my legs felt like they would fall off. I then decided to alternate. Wii fit and ddr. I did my strength exercise day the day before helping someone move. haha, my arms and shoulder were already overworked when I did the exercises. That means it has been a while since I've worked out, I shouldn't have been that sore. Well now I feel great, I just need a job so I can afford to go and get a massage but I always need one so that is really nothing different. Doing the alternating thing has really been a benefit and not as harsh on my system, although I still can feel how out of shape and such that I am. I don't mind being out of shape, I just want to be capable of doing things with out running out of breath and with out only watching tv all day. I want to alternate. sometimes zone out on movies and marathons and video games and sometimes go for long walks, hikes, swimming and who knows what else. I'm not all that big on dances but I love ddr in the privacy of my own home.

Ihop is just something I'm posting because someone I talked to was interested in the story so I figured I'd post the shortened version. Grandma, Kelley and I were going somewhere and decided to stop for breakfast first. We went to Ihop and yes we did go to the one by costco in vallejo so I guess it is our fault as well knowing they already have a bad reputation and also that most times when I go there something goes wrong. This time there were 3 waitresses, a hostess and a party of 22. We walked in the hostess yelled out to one waitress to see if she could take us and she yelled back that she couldn't. Then another waitress yelled that she could and we were seated. We were promptly ignored for nearly 10 min before Kelley went to hunt down a waitress to bring my grandma some decaff coffee. The hostess comes 5 min later hastily pouring a cup when I ask that it's decaff she glares at me and says it isn't and then walks off. another 10 min pass before we get the coffee. Then our order is taken. We are brought waters and then promptly ignored for the next 45 minutes. Then the waitress stops by and says it will be a bit longer and is gone before I could even ask for more water. Our food comes and mine is covered in the sweet syrup that I asked to not have because of my sugar problem. She takes it away. We finish our food and then ask about my pancakes which then come in 3min. We get the bill and grandma complains to the manager. He tells her his sob story about why things are the way they are and about the economy and everything and doesn't even give her a senior discount let alone the cup of coffee free to smooth it over. He demands full price. Suffice to say, we will not be going there again.

A dry Sponge

A dry sponge is one that is always needing moisture, always needing something. I am like that sponge. There are times that I try to be other than I am but my nature is what it is. The good thing is that my obsessive nature is lost on most people and internal for the most part. The bad thing is that so much mental space is taken up trying to obsess over so many different things. It is actually quite exhausting.

My biggest obsession is...oh wait, this blog isn't about obsessions. There I go losing track. This is about being a sponge that always takes. I guess that would make me a very needy person. I can't be told, oh lets see, for example: "you're beautiful". If I'm told that once then I feel beautiful that once and then it goes away. To stick I would have to hear it all the time. Now I'm not saying that is what I have problems with (that would be too personal) actually I have been working on that one and have gotten a lot better, I no longer feel super ugly which is good.

This is no good because that puts pressure on anyone I spend time with to constantly be catering and putting their attention on me. Actually that kinda creeps me out too. So it's a lose / lose situation.

Someone I talked to said that if you don't get something as a kid that is necessary for sanity / survival, then you will be constantly be needing it as an adult. The sad thing is, I don't want to be needy. I want to be like everyone else in that aspect. To be able to live in society. To walk in the park and not worry about what I am doing wrong or what others are thinking or anything like that. To go to the store and only worry about what is needed at the store. You can wish for something but that doesn't make it true.

So in the end that creates me....a sponge. I know it must be exhausting for those of my friends who spend more than a few hours with me. They know. There are times that people need a break from me. Actually there are times I need a break from the world as well. I am working on it, on being more open, being more human. But that is what we are here on this earth to do. To work on our imperfections and be the best people we can be.

Of Bee's and Tissues

Thing's I learned over the past 5 days:

First - Bees like to collect water from swimming pools, at least LA bees do. They don't like going for the water puddles splashed over the side. Instead they go right into the middle and hover as close as they can. Maybe it's for the adventure or for the life and death experience. Whatever the reason, some of the bees do not make it out alive. Their wings get wet and then they are stuck in the water. I went to the hotel pool to swim, there was a bee struggling in the water. I used my sandal and the bee clung to the end, then carried the insect to the flowers out of the way of any running feet or children that may happen to come by. There was also a seemingly dead one that I scooped into the flowers as well. I must have saved 3 bees and possibly 5, if the others lived. No good deed goes unpunished. I went to swim during the heat of the day and a hornet flew by, dive bombing me. I was in the center of the pool and ducked underwater as fast as possible. The hornet would come, collect water and then leave but if it saw me it would zoom down as if it was trying to attack. Lucky for me I made it out unscathed but my peaceful relaxing alone time swim was ruined.

Second - My grandfather was a very frugal man. He could make anything last longer than it should while still being in good working order. He cared about recycling and reusing things. Then he had a stroke and now has a form of dementia. I recently learned from my father that when grandpa first came to live with us, he would reuse tissues. Yes, that's right, using the same tissue over and over again. After using a tissue he would lay it out to dry and then use it again when he needed to blow his nose. This is very unsanitary and at first my father would just throw away the tissue but has since taught my grandfather to simply toss the tissue away when done with it. I found this pretty funny, especially since he doesn't do it anymore.

The other minor things I learned were: I can survive without internet, I need to get my typing done, I guess some romance books aren't all that bad, It's ok to not have seen the movie that everyone else has already seen, Nobody likes it as cold as I do so I have to learn how to adapt, Sometimes a dream is better left forgotten, The blue mountain dew is the best flavor but does not stop a migraine as good as the original flavor, hand sanitizer is a must to prevent allergies, Crowd phobia is not good when being packed in the center of two others in a back seat, Sometimes it's ok to be a little vain when nobody knows and I need some alone time for a bit or just one or two others but no big group things, not right now.

It was a wonderful trip to LA. Got to see a number of places where my parents grew up and where my grandparent's spent much of their lives. I got to hear some great stories and take a few good pictures. The heat was unbearable, I am so glad I do not live there. The hotel was nice and offered a decent complimentary breakfast in the mornings and it was good to have a pool to swim in whenever I wanted. I did miss having my own computer and realized how much I need to focus on typing all my ideas and writings. I met some old friends of my grandfather's and even went to a fun bbq. I saw the coolest dragon timer for games, but someone bought it before I did and it was gone. I enjoyed hearing my grandpa's stories and telling me about the places he'd been too. No one else really understood him and so I either just talked with him or translated when he was trying to talk to others. I had a great time and I know he did too. We also bought a pineapple watermelon, it's really tasty. I never knew you could combine the two.

Exhaustion, will I ever learn

This past couple weeks has been a time of exhaustion. I have cleaned house, trashed stuff and did whatever I could to help my Grandma's stay be an enjoyable one. I love her dearly but have been worn to the bone now. The killer was last weekend when I painted my grandpa's room by myself (I did have help from one of my greatest friends, Kelley, who stupidly came and helped even though she was recently out of surgery. She did a fantastic job painting the trim and the ceiling.) Then we went to visit my sister in crescent city and last night came back in. I unpacked and put away my stuff and my Grandma's, made sure she had her med's and such. Then I receive a phone call that some of my friends were meeting at Stephen Hare's house to swim. I was hot, tired and worn out. A good swim was just what I needed.

Yes, I went. At 10:45 at night I went over to a swim party expecting it to be relaxing. It was a little bit but not near as much as swimming alone in the pool. It was cold enough that everyone ended up in the hot tub. The problem was that every time I left for the solitary of the pool there was always someone who followed with the same idea. There goes relaxing.

Got home at 2:30am and checked facebook real quick. I haven't been online since last Thursday, other than to post a pic here or there, but I didn't really check much else or comment on much else, until last night and now today. I can still feel the exhaustion, and there's a dance that everyone wants me to go to. I don't know if I can make it (unless I drink some mountain dew lol, but then I'll be in the same boat tomorrow, just in time to leave to LA with my grandparent's and my parents for their vacation.)

The other think I've been thinking about is how much I need to get my writing done and how much time facebook and blogging take. I may decide to limit my blog to once a week or something like that. There is a quote that I heard from a writer at a convention that said something like, "If you wish to make writing a career then you do not write for free unless it is for experience on a resume."

I do wish to do more with my writing and the plans I had for my blog were more than just "this is what I did today" type stuff. Not anymore. I will write my blog just not every day. (not to mention, I will be with out access to a computer for 5 days when we leave for LA.....)