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03 January 2010

New Year

So many people have made resolutions for the new year.  I have never done this, to my knowledge.  I have always lived in the moment and never really planned for the future.  Some of that can be blamed on a chemical imbalance, some can be blamed on laziness and some can be blamed on bad luck.

I have been unstable for too many years and I have hated myself for that time.  I have imperfections that affect others and when they point them out I hate myself even more.  This is a pattern I have followed and when someone hates who they are they don't have the willpower to change.  So I stayed in this cycle of self loathing until I broke, snapped right in two.  I left everything I had been holding on to behind and decided to leave and go a completely different direction.  This to would have been self destructive if I hadn't met someone who gave me a reason to change, who made me feel like maybe I had a small piece of worth that was worth saving.  I feel like this person has stabilized me to some extent but still I have trouble making up my mind and going all "skitzo".  One day it's ok and the next I'm opposite.

For the new year I would like:
*to have a part time job (to achieve this I have been applying to at least one job every day)
*to find out where I stand religiously (to achieve this I am going to church, praying and reading scriptures)
*to clear out my debts (I have already made a plan and a part time job would clear all my debts in a year)
*to enter all my handwritten stories into my computer.

So, even though resolutions are selfish and all about me, I know that nothing will change unless a plan is made, goals are set up and daily goals are followed.

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