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Back online, though the quality can not be guaranteed yet, it may start out as random ramblings until I get a system up again.

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11 January 2010

I've forgotten how to fly

This is a post that I have been meaning to publish for (nearly two years? a year and a half? little over a year?) a really long time.  I have noticed that for me a really long time can be anywhere from a week to ten or more years back but it all feels like a really long time to me.  Go figure:

There are lots of things I have forgotten and not all of it is bad.  Actually the forgetting has made life a little different but because of the forgetting I can't remmeber how different.  Unless, I look at my journal entries.  Sometimes when I read my journal I wonder, "what was I thinking?" "How could I have believed that?" "Was I crazy?" "am I still crazy now?" "what is the truth and what is fiction?"

One of the things I had forgotten is how to fly.  I knew that feeling so well that I could feel the muscles on my back where wings could/should be.  I could close my eyes and feel the wind in my hair, feel my body floating, soaring, diving and flying.  I could feel the change in atmosphere as I tried to breath.  It was such a detailed vision I felt as if I had been able to fly in a previous life.  (of course the crazy part was that in that previous life I was a dragon but I'm not going to dwell too much on that part.)

Flying was second nature.  It was in my dreams.  It was in my daydreams.  It was one of my regular thoughts.  Then I gave all of that up for nearly two years.  I let it go.  I used my self control to stop the daydreams, stop the stories and stop the previous belief systems I held.  There are, I think, two times I faltered.  The first time I wrote down the ideas and story that came to my mind, sealed it up and locked it away.  I can't remember what I did the second time, but for the most part I did good. 

Coming home, I fell back into my dreams.  A part of me felt like I needed to let go but I didn't.  I couldn't.  This was my life, what would I be without my dreams?  Then a while ago (couple years? year?) I started seeking help.  I found people to talk to and they found different answers for me, that didn't really work.  I can't remember when it happend but I think it was pretty abrupt.  I think, one day, I simply woke up and had forgotten how to fly.  That was the first step.  I wrote many journal entries.  I tried to remember.  I tried to enter a world that I had created, but it didn't work.  I couldn't find the stories any more.

In reality, the stories were still there.  I still know the mechanics, the characters etc...but the reality is gone.  A part of me feels like I have fallen and shattered into a million pieces, the good thing is that the pieces are still all there.  Now I sit here and piece by piece, put the puzzle back together.  I'm glad I like puzzles so much.  So it all started with forgetting one thing, one very important part and that was 'how to fly'.  But that is the beginning of a new world and the chance to become a better person.

(now if I can just fulfill my goal and try to publish these darn stories lol)

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