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Back online, though the quality can not be guaranteed yet, it may start out as random ramblings until I get a system up again.

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25 September 2009

I gotta brand new boyfriend

Well, by the time I'm typing this up, not all that true, but at the time I wrote this, which was September 25th, this statement was very true. And so, the old entry newly typed:

I am walking on air, I can't believe that he wants to be "official". I never expected it to happen. I went in with the understanding that we would comfort each other and give companionship and then something better would come along and he would be gone. Yea, that's my self-esteem talking and even now I'm not sure if this is going to last. I just don't see myself being his type. I know one day he will either get tired of me or find an amazingly beautiful woman that he will want to spend the rest of his life with and I will be an after thought. That doesn't matter to me, I'm happy now. I can't believe that there is a man out there who would even remotely be interested in me, even if it is simply physical / lustful urges. I hope though, that no matter what, we can stay friends even after he leaves. Not to sound pessimistic but in the end, everyone leaves. That's just the way of life. It is good to know that someone, somewhere out there actually thinks I'm pretty enough to be seen in public with me as my boyfriend. I expected to always be alone and I know that when this is over I will go back to being alone but I will ride this as far as it will go. I now know a small taste of what it is like to be happy and to feel like I may actually be worth something. There may be a reason for my existence. I know that's bad but I don't always feel positive when it comes to that. A lot of times I feel like somehow a mistake slipped through the cracks of God's floor, but it's a little different now. I just feel like that song, except for the fact that I wasn't dumped by a previous boyfriend but I was depressed and then, "I gotta brand new boyfriend..." and things seem to be looking up...

(So as of now, December, I don't feel the same. My view on life is not quite so depressing and that's good.)

18 September 2009

What brings joy?

How can the gospel be the thing that brings us the MOST joy?
I've had the gospel in my heart all of my life. I have done all that was asked, to the best of my abilities. I gave all I could, expecting nothing. It wasn't until recently that I have felt the MOST joy and sorry to say, I am not living the gospel as I should. I have felt joy while in the church. I do not discount the truthfulness or happiness that comes from the gospel of Jesus Christ. I can not imagine my life without my Heavenly Father included. At some point I do have a strong desire to reincorporate the gospel in my life but I am not ready yet.

At church one of the leaders said "Depression comes from not following the Lord." This I do not agree with. I am not following the Lord completely now and yet my depression is at a minimum. I have gone in and out of serious depression for much of my life and during those times I was following the Lord, sometimes to the extent of exactness. I do believe that aspects of the gospel can alleviate depression but I do not think it is a direct sign of not following the Lord. Listening to the Lord can give you greater blessings, but life is not black and white, cut and dry. Wicked have evil horrible lives and righteous have joyful good lives.

Another comment that actually had me pretty upset was this one. "You may not get second chances in the times that we live now." I wasn't the only one either. I will not ever believe that a loving Heavenly Father will have a time in which He chooses to leave us in sorrow. We make a bad choice and want to turn our lives around, there is always room for repentance.

Leaning on the Lord's Justice is a hindrance. The adversaries most valuable tool is in causing us to discount mercy and feel that we are worthless and unsaveable. Everyone is of worth and the laws of mercy apply to us all no matter how much worse we feel our lives or decisions are than others. We all willingly commit sin, to different degrees, and still the laws of mercy apply. There is always a way and that way is through our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Are you emotionally and socially in balance? How about spiritually? (this is a good question to ask yourself every once in a while.

We all make mistakes. It's what we do after the mistake that's important.

These are simply some thoughts that came into my mind from church last Sunday.

12 September 2009

Traveling with my brother

Traveling with my brother is always an adventure. We have so much fun. This week had a few interesting moments. First off, I was driving him to SF to talk to the judge about his DUI. On the way we stopped at the toll booth to pay our toll. It was an Indian guy about 5'9", I would guess, black hair and beard. (not the native american indian but the India indian). He asked if we were together and Steven laughs, "No! She's my sister!!!"

"Does she have a boyfriend?" (talking past me as if I didn't exist. By the way whenever anyone asks if I have a boyfriend my automatic response is yes. I don't need to have strange guys coming on to me as if I was available for them.)

I say, "yes." Steven says, "No." laughing and shaking his head in a way that is unique to my brother.

"So she's available to marry..."

I blurt out "No" but the guy acted as if I had said nothing.

"I could hook you up if you let me have her."

Steven smiled, "Really..." and before he could respond about what girl he would be getting the guy continued.

"I can get you a house. A nice paid for house."

Steven continued on his thought program, " can hook me up with a hot chick?"

"For you, I'll throw in a girl."

At this point I drove off, smiled and waved goodbye. My brother thought this was the greatest and is now taking bids from people he runs into, to see who has the best offer.

If that wasn't interesting enough, we have had a number of people either ask or act like Steven and I are dating. Ack!!! My brother?! Although at Travis we were messing around a bit and I quoted a line from Scrubs "Is that a roll or quarters or are you just happy to see me." As I quoted I put my arms around his waist and an army dude was walking by and smirking.

Steven didn't want the guy to get the wrong idea, "No dude! It's ok. She's my sister." Good thing he thought better of it and didn't actually say that to the dude.

06 September 2009

10 year reunion

I did not plan, expect, to have fun at my High School Reunion. I hear a lot of bad things about these types of events. I also don't really remember many of the people I wen to highschool with. Part of it is simply my own, Amy, memory problems. Even Tina was making fun of me about it by the end of the day, completely baffled about how much I had forgotten.

It started out the way I expected. Standing off to the side, smiling and watching everyone meeting up and chatting and reminiscing with each other. Tina grabbed a couple drinks, I had a couple lemonades and then some snacks. A few people came up to talk to us. Apparently nobody would've recognized us unless we were together. That's what they kept saying, "I recognized you and then I saw you two together and knew that must be Aurora and Amy..." and other such like that. We are one entity with two least that's how it sounded. Pretty funny.

Tina continued to hint about wanting to go out on the dance floor but not wanting to be the one in front, leading. I'm not so good with hints but I did eventually get it and told her that I would do anything for her, she just needed to ask. So I swallowed my introversy and uncomfortable feelings around crowds and walked out onto the dance floor as if I belonged.

I have no idea what came over me. I've been to many dances before. I've also been out clubbing a few times with Melanie or Tina. But this, this was different for some reason. I just relaxed and danced. It is the first time I ever remember (no, wait the second time. There was one church dance a few months ago), being comfortable and not worrying about what others were thinking. I simply had fun and danced.

After the first 30 minutes my side and legs were hurting. I was ready to walk off of the dance floor when a couple songs I really liked played back to back. Then I sort of forgot about the muscle cramps and stayed. Turns out we were dancing pretty much non-stop for at least 3 hours. We did take a 2 minute break when the music cut out and had technical difficulties,in which we stood outside and enjoyed the view of the golf course at night. We did also take a few second break to grab drinks but we were still dancing while getting the drinks and while drinking them, so I don't know if that counts as a break.

I can't believe I enjoyed myself so much. I know Tina had a lot of fun as well. I also can't believe how many people remembered me or how many people came up to me to tell me how beautiful I was. Talk about a self-esteem boost. I felt like the most gorgeous girl in the room with all of that attention.

It took so long for the adrenalin rush to wear down but I think I can sleep now. I know I'll be sore in the morning but the good kind that means you worked out and had fun.