Lately I have felt so selfish. It is a great conflict that I am not used to. I have always tried to put everyone else in my life first. I know that you can not please everyone all of the time, but it seemed to work for me. I did go through serious depression and such from time to time but I could always pick myself back up by doing something nice for someone else. I guess it's been eating me up inside, like a cancer, moving so slow that I didn't even know until I had a breakdown. I am better now, at least to some degree. The problem is that I am supposed to put myself first. I am supposed to focus on my life and where I want to be. I am supposed to create a future, which would be good so that I don't have to mooch off of all of my friends all of the time.
So I have stopped doing some things that were always second nature to me. I have let some things go that have appeared to be moving me forward but instead have been holding me back. Now I feel selfish to want to go to the store and buy good makeup and actually wear it. To dress more than nice to receive compliments. More than desiring those compliments but actively doing whatever I could to keep receiving those compliments. To be vain about my hair. To buy new clothes, and not just bargain Walmart or thrift store. To wake up a new person (still being me but just how I see myself and the world) and see each wonder in life, to find joy and newness and peace all around me. (Like Goku from Dragonball. He's always happy and his life is never complicated, unless he's saving the world)
So Kelley asked if I was going to church and I said sure. We went together, which was nice for some part and not so good for others. Sometimes I talk too much and give people too much power over me. It may be the masochism inside. I just put my foot in my mouth and share everything with out thoughts of consequences. (you know that is the problem with this blog too...lol, just thought of that)
So at church a few things came up that didn't quite make sense to me. First one of the leaders said that he could feel all of our strong Testimonies even if we didn't get up to share. Really? For some strange reason I thought that a testimony was dormant and only gained strength from sharing it. I don't understand how someone could feel the spirit of a testimony that hasn't been given. I do believe that he felt the spirit in the room though.
In one of the classes someone mentioned that we need to avoid the bad people in the world. I don't believe that there are bad people in the world. There are bad actions, bad intentions, bad results, bad ambitions and other such....BUT, I don't think there is a single bad person. Not even the most horrible people you can think of...I just don't feel it. Maybe it is naive to see good in every person I come in contact with but I wouldn't want it any other way.
I didn't even realize it was fast Sunday until it was announced that the time is given for everyone to share out Testimonies. I sat there listening to everyone and started wondering, What is my Testimony? What is my true testimony and not just what I say all the time? Not the rote missionary testimony or primary testimony or what I always say. Some of my friends have called or contacted me asking if I had lost my testimony or what-not. So I really thought about it and then started writing and this is what I came up with.
"I know that this church has the Spirit with in that testifies of the Truth. This church teaches good and right principles that encourage people to become better than they are. There is a great strength in the membership. The church is based on helping others - selfless service. It is guided not by men or by man's ideals but it is guided through study, prayer, revelation and through the spirit. I am grateful that this church is on the earth and for the light of Christ that shines with in and within the members. I pray that everyone can feel God's love and the blessings that are given each and every day. I love the Lord and all that He has done. I am grateful for my friends, family and life experiences, no regrets just learning lessons."
Hope this answers those who are worried about me. Don't be. The spirit is in my life and I am focusing on moving forward. I am focusing on doing the right thing and finding joy and happiness in my life. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and is guiding me and watching over me. The big relief is that I am finally finding out what I want and making my own decisions instead of just doing what I am told.