A dry sponge is one that is always needing moisture, always needing something. I am like that sponge. There are times that I try to be other than I am but my nature is what it is. The good thing is that my obsessive nature is lost on most people and internal for the most part. The bad thing is that so much mental space is taken up trying to obsess over so many different things. It is actually quite exhausting.
My biggest obsession is...oh wait, this blog isn't about obsessions. There I go losing track. This is about being a sponge that always takes. I guess that would make me a very needy person. I can't be told, oh lets see, for example: "you're beautiful". If I'm told that once then I feel beautiful that once and then it goes away. To stick I would have to hear it all the time. Now I'm not saying that is what I have problems with (that would be too personal) actually I have been working on that one and have gotten a lot better, I no longer feel super ugly which is good.
This is no good because that puts pressure on anyone I spend time with to constantly be catering and putting their attention on me. Actually that kinda creeps me out too. So it's a lose / lose situation.
Someone I talked to said that if you don't get something as a kid that is necessary for sanity / survival, then you will be constantly be needing it as an adult. The sad thing is, I don't want to be needy. I want to be like everyone else in that aspect. To be able to live in society. To walk in the park and not worry about what I am doing wrong or what others are thinking or anything like that. To go to the store and only worry about what is needed at the store. You can wish for something but that doesn't make it true.
So in the end that creates me....a sponge. I know it must be exhausting for those of my friends who spend more than a few hours with me. They know. There are times that people need a break from me. Actually there are times I need a break from the world as well. I am working on it, on being more open, being more human. But that is what we are here on this earth to do. To work on our imperfections and be the best people we can be.
26 July 2009
22 July 2009
Of Bee's and Tissues
Thing's I learned over the past 5 days:
First - Bees like to collect water from swimming pools, at least LA bees do. They don't like going for the water puddles splashed over the side. Instead they go right into the middle and hover as close as they can. Maybe it's for the adventure or for the life and death experience. Whatever the reason, some of the bees do not make it out alive. Their wings get wet and then they are stuck in the water. I went to the hotel pool to swim, there was a bee struggling in the water. I used my sandal and the bee clung to the end, then carried the insect to the flowers out of the way of any running feet or children that may happen to come by. There was also a seemingly dead one that I scooped into the flowers as well. I must have saved 3 bees and possibly 5, if the others lived. No good deed goes unpunished. I went to swim during the heat of the day and a hornet flew by, dive bombing me. I was in the center of the pool and ducked underwater as fast as possible. The hornet would come, collect water and then leave but if it saw me it would zoom down as if it was trying to attack. Lucky for me I made it out unscathed but my peaceful relaxing alone time swim was ruined.
Second - My grandfather was a very frugal man. He could make anything last longer than it should while still being in good working order. He cared about recycling and reusing things. Then he had a stroke and now has a form of dementia. I recently learned from my father that when grandpa first came to live with us, he would reuse tissues. Yes, that's right, using the same tissue over and over again. After using a tissue he would lay it out to dry and then use it again when he needed to blow his nose. This is very unsanitary and at first my father would just throw away the tissue but has since taught my grandfather to simply toss the tissue away when done with it. I found this pretty funny, especially since he doesn't do it anymore.
The other minor things I learned were: I can survive without internet, I need to get my typing done, I guess some romance books aren't all that bad, It's ok to not have seen the movie that everyone else has already seen, Nobody likes it as cold as I do so I have to learn how to adapt, Sometimes a dream is better left forgotten, The blue mountain dew is the best flavor but does not stop a migraine as good as the original flavor, hand sanitizer is a must to prevent allergies, Crowd phobia is not good when being packed in the center of two others in a back seat, Sometimes it's ok to be a little vain when nobody knows and I need some alone time for a bit or just one or two others but no big group things, not right now.
It was a wonderful trip to LA. Got to see a number of places where my parents grew up and where my grandparent's spent much of their lives. I got to hear some great stories and take a few good pictures. The heat was unbearable, I am so glad I do not live there. The hotel was nice and offered a decent complimentary breakfast in the mornings and it was good to have a pool to swim in whenever I wanted. I did miss having my own computer and realized how much I need to focus on typing all my ideas and writings. I met some old friends of my grandfather's and even went to a fun bbq. I saw the coolest dragon timer for games, but someone bought it before I did and it was gone. I enjoyed hearing my grandpa's stories and telling me about the places he'd been too. No one else really understood him and so I either just talked with him or translated when he was trying to talk to others. I had a great time and I know he did too. We also bought a pineapple watermelon, it's really tasty. I never knew you could combine the two.
First - Bees like to collect water from swimming pools, at least LA bees do. They don't like going for the water puddles splashed over the side. Instead they go right into the middle and hover as close as they can. Maybe it's for the adventure or for the life and death experience. Whatever the reason, some of the bees do not make it out alive. Their wings get wet and then they are stuck in the water. I went to the hotel pool to swim, there was a bee struggling in the water. I used my sandal and the bee clung to the end, then carried the insect to the flowers out of the way of any running feet or children that may happen to come by. There was also a seemingly dead one that I scooped into the flowers as well. I must have saved 3 bees and possibly 5, if the others lived. No good deed goes unpunished. I went to swim during the heat of the day and a hornet flew by, dive bombing me. I was in the center of the pool and ducked underwater as fast as possible. The hornet would come, collect water and then leave but if it saw me it would zoom down as if it was trying to attack. Lucky for me I made it out unscathed but my peaceful relaxing alone time swim was ruined.
Second - My grandfather was a very frugal man. He could make anything last longer than it should while still being in good working order. He cared about recycling and reusing things. Then he had a stroke and now has a form of dementia. I recently learned from my father that when grandpa first came to live with us, he would reuse tissues. Yes, that's right, using the same tissue over and over again. After using a tissue he would lay it out to dry and then use it again when he needed to blow his nose. This is very unsanitary and at first my father would just throw away the tissue but has since taught my grandfather to simply toss the tissue away when done with it. I found this pretty funny, especially since he doesn't do it anymore.
The other minor things I learned were: I can survive without internet, I need to get my typing done, I guess some romance books aren't all that bad, It's ok to not have seen the movie that everyone else has already seen, Nobody likes it as cold as I do so I have to learn how to adapt, Sometimes a dream is better left forgotten, The blue mountain dew is the best flavor but does not stop a migraine as good as the original flavor, hand sanitizer is a must to prevent allergies, Crowd phobia is not good when being packed in the center of two others in a back seat, Sometimes it's ok to be a little vain when nobody knows and I need some alone time for a bit or just one or two others but no big group things, not right now.
It was a wonderful trip to LA. Got to see a number of places where my parents grew up and where my grandparent's spent much of their lives. I got to hear some great stories and take a few good pictures. The heat was unbearable, I am so glad I do not live there. The hotel was nice and offered a decent complimentary breakfast in the mornings and it was good to have a pool to swim in whenever I wanted. I did miss having my own computer and realized how much I need to focus on typing all my ideas and writings. I met some old friends of my grandfather's and even went to a fun bbq. I saw the coolest dragon timer for games, but someone bought it before I did and it was gone. I enjoyed hearing my grandpa's stories and telling me about the places he'd been too. No one else really understood him and so I either just talked with him or translated when he was trying to talk to others. I had a great time and I know he did too. We also bought a pineapple watermelon, it's really tasty. I never knew you could combine the two.
17 July 2009
Exhaustion, will I ever learn
This past couple weeks has been a time of exhaustion. I have cleaned house, trashed stuff and did whatever I could to help my Grandma's stay be an enjoyable one. I love her dearly but have been worn to the bone now. The killer was last weekend when I painted my grandpa's room by myself (I did have help from one of my greatest friends, Kelley, who stupidly came and helped even though she was recently out of surgery. She did a fantastic job painting the trim and the ceiling.) Then we went to visit my sister in crescent city and last night came back in. I unpacked and put away my stuff and my Grandma's, made sure she had her med's and such. Then I receive a phone call that some of my friends were meeting at Stephen Hare's house to swim. I was hot, tired and worn out. A good swim was just what I needed.
Yes, I went. At 10:45 at night I went over to a swim party expecting it to be relaxing. It was a little bit but not near as much as swimming alone in the pool. It was cold enough that everyone ended up in the hot tub. The problem was that every time I left for the solitary of the pool there was always someone who followed with the same idea. There goes relaxing.
Got home at 2:30am and checked facebook real quick. I haven't been online since last Thursday, other than to post a pic here or there, but I didn't really check much else or comment on much else, until last night and now today. I can still feel the exhaustion, and there's a dance that everyone wants me to go to. I don't know if I can make it (unless I drink some mountain dew lol, but then I'll be in the same boat tomorrow, just in time to leave to LA with my grandparent's and my parents for their vacation.)
The other think I've been thinking about is how much I need to get my writing done and how much time facebook and blogging take. I may decide to limit my blog to once a week or something like that. There is a quote that I heard from a writer at a convention that said something like, "If you wish to make writing a career then you do not write for free unless it is for experience on a resume."
I do wish to do more with my writing and the plans I had for my blog were more than just "this is what I did today" type stuff. Not anymore. I will write my blog just not every day. (not to mention, I will be with out access to a computer for 5 days when we leave for LA.....)
Yes, I went. At 10:45 at night I went over to a swim party expecting it to be relaxing. It was a little bit but not near as much as swimming alone in the pool. It was cold enough that everyone ended up in the hot tub. The problem was that every time I left for the solitary of the pool there was always someone who followed with the same idea. There goes relaxing.
Got home at 2:30am and checked facebook real quick. I haven't been online since last Thursday, other than to post a pic here or there, but I didn't really check much else or comment on much else, until last night and now today. I can still feel the exhaustion, and there's a dance that everyone wants me to go to. I don't know if I can make it (unless I drink some mountain dew lol, but then I'll be in the same boat tomorrow, just in time to leave to LA with my grandparent's and my parents for their vacation.)
The other think I've been thinking about is how much I need to get my writing done and how much time facebook and blogging take. I may decide to limit my blog to once a week or something like that. There is a quote that I heard from a writer at a convention that said something like, "If you wish to make writing a career then you do not write for free unless it is for experience on a resume."
I do wish to do more with my writing and the plans I had for my blog were more than just "this is what I did today" type stuff. Not anymore. I will write my blog just not every day. (not to mention, I will be with out access to a computer for 5 days when we leave for LA.....)
09 July 2009
For want of adventure
So I have to take a step back from the posts I have already planned out because today was just too amazing to miss.
Sometimes Kelley, Tina and I get tired of the same old, same old. We get this idea in our heads to just go for a drive. This was one of those days.
Kelley's camera is amazing. It takes shots from a moving car going across the bridge on the freeway. Crazy. I took this picture and was pretty proud of myself for being able to catch it, even if it isn't the greatest focus. I think it looks pretty good.
Driving on freeways until we saw an exit we liked, which then led to taking turns and such. We didn't use a map, there was no need too. It was fun to talk, relax and take pictures.
08 July 2009
Pebble Beach
Well I finally posted the Pebble Beach pictures. It's from some, what is it? 15 mile drive? I don't remember, Kelley knows and if she corrects me I will edit this part. Many of these pictures are just breathtaking. I love it.
07 July 2009
The Joys and Adventures of Walking
Since being without a car I have done a lot more walking. I used to walk everywhere until that fateful day when I acquired a license to drive. That was when I realized how much I enjoyed driving. I would speed like crazy, over 100 everywhere I went, except on residential roads. To this day I can't figure out how it took 10 months before my first speeding ticket.
Now that my car has been gone I have decided to get back in shape. I do DDR sometimes but walking is a way to get out of the house and feel the wind in my hair (although that gives me the afro look that I dislike.
I have found that walking to:
Jeremy's house is 2 hours and 15 minutes.
Stephen Hare's house from Jeremy's is 30 minutes.
Washington Mutual from my house is 4 hours round trip.
Walgreen's is 45 minutes.
Napa Valley College is 4 hours one way.
Raleys is 30 minutes.
Baskin Robbins is 15 minutes.
JJ's, the Asian Store, is 5 minutes.
Safeway and Starbucks are 20 minutes round trip.
Tina's is 40 minutes.
Kelley's is 2 minutes.
Walmart is 40 minutes.
I have yet to try:
The Library
Fairfield
Target/Sally's Beauty Shop/Costco/The Social Security Office
Taco Bell
Maritime Academy
It's been fun and interesting. I am getting better, the first walk I did I was already worn out after 30 minutes and don't know how I made the full 2 hour trip. It was hard and that was how I found out that I was really out of shape.
On these walks I meet interesting people. Some say hi, some wave, some will even chat a little and then there are those that ignore me completely. I enjoy some of the sites and it is nice to be alone with my thoughts for a change. I can really work through some problems with my stories and my life. That is also where I came up with so many different blog ideas. Ideas are not my problem. Buckling down and writing or mostly editing and polishing my work is the problem. I also have trouble with marketing.
Although, sometimes it is a curse to be alone with my thoughts for so long. I have made some decisions that I probably shouldn't have made. I have also let go of a lot of things. The good thing is that I no longer allow myself to be driven with the wind / go with the flow. The downside is that I may lose some friends and the approval of some people that I admire. That is a hard thing for me to accept. Hopefully I can begin to move forward instead of staying stagnant.
Now that my car has been gone I have decided to get back in shape. I do DDR sometimes but walking is a way to get out of the house and feel the wind in my hair (although that gives me the afro look that I dislike.
I have found that walking to:
Jeremy's house is 2 hours and 15 minutes.
Stephen Hare's house from Jeremy's is 30 minutes.
Washington Mutual from my house is 4 hours round trip.
Walgreen's is 45 minutes.
Napa Valley College is 4 hours one way.
Raleys is 30 minutes.
Baskin Robbins is 15 minutes.
JJ's, the Asian Store, is 5 minutes.
Safeway and Starbucks are 20 minutes round trip.
Tina's is 40 minutes.
Kelley's is 2 minutes.
Walmart is 40 minutes.
I have yet to try:
The Library
Fairfield
Target/Sally's Beauty Shop/Costco/The Social Security Office
Taco Bell
Maritime Academy
It's been fun and interesting. I am getting better, the first walk I did I was already worn out after 30 minutes and don't know how I made the full 2 hour trip. It was hard and that was how I found out that I was really out of shape.
On these walks I meet interesting people. Some say hi, some wave, some will even chat a little and then there are those that ignore me completely. I enjoy some of the sites and it is nice to be alone with my thoughts for a change. I can really work through some problems with my stories and my life. That is also where I came up with so many different blog ideas. Ideas are not my problem. Buckling down and writing or mostly editing and polishing my work is the problem. I also have trouble with marketing.
Although, sometimes it is a curse to be alone with my thoughts for so long. I have made some decisions that I probably shouldn't have made. I have also let go of a lot of things. The good thing is that I no longer allow myself to be driven with the wind / go with the flow. The downside is that I may lose some friends and the approval of some people that I admire. That is a hard thing for me to accept. Hopefully I can begin to move forward instead of staying stagnant.
06 July 2009
My Fourth of July (finally!!!)
It all started with being invited to be in the American Canyon 4th of July Parade. I have volunteered with the ACTS program that sends packages to troops overseas and my brother is in the service. He would have been invited too but he is in Virginia for training.
Getting up early (8am after staying up till 6am) I headed out. I am not very good with new people or with crowds, although it wasn't really crowded or anything. Everyone was with their vehicles. I stood by the one I would be riding with, admiring the Harley Davidson motorcycles that would be riding directly behind us. Oh, I love the bikes and these were nice ones. A number of them had decorations, flags, sparklies and such. A few of the guys had American flag hats or bandanna's. One had an Uncle Sam type American flag hat. One of them also had a Harley teddy bear on the back of his bike.
After a time I decided to get in the back of the truck (I can't remember what type of refurbished military vehicle I was in =( I sat there alone for a bit, watching everyone else socialize and get things ready for the parade. I finally decided to get off my little corner and get out there. I did and I met Shorty, Hal, Denise, Al and Dave. One girl and the rest guys. One thing I have noticed is that a Harley makes unattractive guys attractive and attractive guys downright sizzling. They did almost get kicked out of the parade because one of the guys in the back thought it would be a great idea to break formation and drive back and in a circle before coming back. I'm so glad that they weren't kicked out.
As we were getting ready to head out this cute guy walking by looks and me and smiles, "Hey, you're cute." He headed towards me when the truck started moving and he had to get out of the way. I just smiled and gave a small wave. He shook his head and smiled back. That has never happened to me before (except by guys 60yrs or older) and it was a big compliment and boost to my day. I was walking on clouds all day.
I have also decided that the way Denise goes camping/hiking is not a bad way to go. She stays at Hotels and then goes hiking around in different places. I like camping but it doesn't have to be in a tent to be fun.
Getting up early (8am after staying up till 6am) I headed out. I am not very good with new people or with crowds, although it wasn't really crowded or anything. Everyone was with their vehicles. I stood by the one I would be riding with, admiring the Harley Davidson motorcycles that would be riding directly behind us. Oh, I love the bikes and these were nice ones. A number of them had decorations, flags, sparklies and such. A few of the guys had American flag hats or bandanna's. One had an Uncle Sam type American flag hat. One of them also had a Harley teddy bear on the back of his bike.
After a time I decided to get in the back of the truck (I can't remember what type of refurbished military vehicle I was in =( I sat there alone for a bit, watching everyone else socialize and get things ready for the parade. I finally decided to get off my little corner and get out there. I did and I met Shorty, Hal, Denise, Al and Dave. One girl and the rest guys. One thing I have noticed is that a Harley makes unattractive guys attractive and attractive guys downright sizzling. They did almost get kicked out of the parade because one of the guys in the back thought it would be a great idea to break formation and drive back and in a circle before coming back. I'm so glad that they weren't kicked out.
As we were getting ready to head out this cute guy walking by looks and me and smiles, "Hey, you're cute." He headed towards me when the truck started moving and he had to get out of the way. I just smiled and gave a small wave. He shook his head and smiled back. That has never happened to me before (except by guys 60yrs or older) and it was a big compliment and boost to my day. I was walking on clouds all day.
I have also decided that the way Denise goes camping/hiking is not a bad way to go. She stays at Hotels and then goes hiking around in different places. I like camping but it doesn't have to be in a tent to be fun.
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